Redemption Value #2

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Warm blankets on a soft bed.
Tonight on this pillow, I will lay my head,
Contemplating upon your cruel deeds.

Forced to remember those fearful times.
You have taken away our childhood,
Ruining little slivers of our lives.

Try fearing everything in your path,

Remember the time, you recruited me into your malicious game?

Imagine having a memory repeat, again and again.

Every. Single. Day.

Five more times you completed the task,
Until one day I was done.

I told you no as I ran away,
Wondering what you thought I would say?

For 4 years you had your break,
Until I had to finally speak.

Not long after I had to tell,
In detailed words about my hell.

The hell that you fabricated for us,
In all your genius and amazing luck.

Many girls you affected in your life,
You should be ashamed for causing such grief, and strife.

It would be lovely to forgive your wicked actions,
Nevertheless I cannot.

Redemption value is approaching,
Sooner or later you will be vanquished.

What you deserve will be served,
Without sympathy,
No soul will feel an ounce of empathy.

Because we have been mistreated by you,
I hope you feel the sadness too.

Without your sick hands or your warped mind,
We will stand up,

Leaving you and this sorrow behind.
Last edited by snickerdooly on Mon Feb 28, 2011 3:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Characters cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller




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Well I'm glad to be your first reviewer! It is a bit depressing, but it sounds like in the end there is more hope to be chased after. I love the story line and rhyming that makes it flow and gets the reader into it. I would suggest maybe shorting it a bit and focusing in on the more concrete sensory details so that we're right there with you in those vivid moments. Although, I do like how each line has something to say, another part to add to it. Keep writing!

-Butterfinger!
If you want to be a great writer, don't think about what you're going to write, just write it.

I'm a huge fan of writers block! When your brain halts, with no direction for where you should go, it gives you threads. All you have to do is pull and unravel the story you're meant to write.




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This was a really great poem! I really enjoyed the way the poem rythmed but how it did not rythme the whole time but still went smoothly and flowed really nice. The idea or concept of this poem is very sad and meaningul and that is why O like it so much. Keep writing poetry and watch out for picking words that don't mean what you are trying to say.
Love,
SoulSaver
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no



I don't care what the miserable excuse is for showing the death of books, live, on screen. Men, I could understand; but books! -
— Edwin Morgan, From the Video Box 2