Blazing

Really rough. Lots of editing to be done, but here it is.


Hearts cold and faces frozen in anger, we threw ice at one another with our mouths.
They were icicles of previously silent retributions and precious
truths we had not dared to mention before, melting down in the
humid, heavy air. The words bit at our tongues,
nipping and scratching like splintered ice, malice on their minds.
It almost seems like we had saved them up for a rainy day,
one where the sun shone and neither of us could see it.
It was only human, I guess.

You were on the verge of gone, just barely on the safety side
of still here. It was vague, that in-between, but it had become familiar, almost
expected. The day had darkened to the gloom of winter, and the world
seemed numb again. Muted silver skies curled
in through the front door, unexpected, uninvited spectators.
They smoke-screen smiled and pondered the words we spoke,
delicate tendrils supporting pensive chins. Such philosophers.

The wind perished upon our doorstep, died buffeting the door. You stood
there a long while, looking at the home that had so recently turned into a house,
and you sighed. You tried to avoid me with your eyes, but
they fell on me just a moment later, and they fell back down, disappointed. Was that
shame?

Our screams had died down a long
time ago, finished with a whisper, delicate on the lips I used
to cling to with a smile:
"I think we've both known for a while."
It was the last thing said, and they melted down all the extra words
and all the turbulent storms I had nestled into my throat
in one, solid blaze of acknowledgement.

Awesome job answering the prompt. Well done. (See, people? You can write about a disconnection without using "broken-hearted" or "sad" or "hurt" or "anguish" or any of that!)

~Blue

P.S. Forgot to mention that I LOVED "smoke-screen smile."

Hi Persephonic.

I really like this. You have a great skill with flow and words, even though this is fiction, it reads like poetry becauce it is very well put together.

There are some things you could improve.

Firstly, although it reads like poetry I feel that a lot of the descriptions were unneccary, and in some places in makes the prose saggy instead of sharp. For instance the lines "nipping and scratching like splintered ice, malice on their minds." was unnecarry becauce the line "The words bit our tounges" was so good it brought across what you were tring to say.

Secondaly, the characters are not very strong in this peice, often over taken by this very beautiful prose. I feel it would be better to bring them out more.

Other than that, it's very good.

Hearts cold and faces frozen in anger, we threw ice at one another with our mouths.
They were icicles of previously silent retributions and precious
truths we had not dared to mention before, melting down in the
humid, heavy air.I Like the concept but it doesn't make sense in my mind The words bit at our tongues,
nipping and scratching like splintered ice, malice on their minds.I like how the words are alive and not just inanimate. Words to me always are animate.
It almost seems like we had saved them up for a rainy day,
one where the sun shone and neither of us could see it.The sun shone on a rainy day?
It was only human, I guess. What was only human?

You were on the verge of gone, just barely on the safety side
of still here.No offense but that confuses me. It was vague, that in-between, but it had become familiar, almost
expected. The day had darkened to the gloom of winter, and the world
seemed numb again. Muted silver skies curled
in through the front door, unexpected, uninvited spectators.
They smoke-screen smiled and pondered the words we spoke,
delicate tendrils supporting pensive chins. Such philosophers. I Like how the clouds are like people. It adds a bit of lightness to an otherwise heavy poem.

The wind perished upon our doorstep, died buffeting the door. You stood
there a long while, looking at the house that had so recently turned into a house, The "Looking at the house you so recently turned into a house" doesn't fit. Say it out loud. It won't seem right.
and you sighed. You tried to avoid me with your eyes, but
they fell on me just a moment later, and they fell back down, disappointed. Was that
shame?

Our screams had died down a long
time ago, finished with a whisper, delicate on the lips I used
to cling to with a smile:
"I think we've both known for a while."
It was the last thing said, and they melted down all the extra words
and all the turbulent storms I had nestled into my throat
in one, solid blaze of acknowledgement.This seems like a final and definite ending. I like it like that.

It was a great and rich poem. You have a way with words. Good job and I will be following you (not literally)!

-thestorygirl

I really, really loved this. The first time I read it I didn't entirely understand it, but that's because you have this huge block of figurative language right away. The second and third time I read it, I loved the imagery of throwing ice-word-daggers, but at first it was a little intimidating. Maybe something to keep in mind? I don't know. Maybe just breaking it up, because such a large block of language is, yeah, intimidating.

I loved the little wry refrain you had at each of your stanzas. I think it added a dryness to the poem that really worked well, with such a dramatic subject. It added depth to your narrator, which can be hard to do with poetry. Lovely. Jeez...the more I read this the more I love your language. However, just something to keep in mind: it's taken me a few times to read through this and get to the root of this poem, what it's actually about and the language you're using to describe it. It's gorgeous, it really is, but maybe you want to be selective with your imagery? (I have this problem too, believe me, but I find it's always easier to see it in someone else's work! ) There's so much of it, and it's all so good, that I almost wonder if it might have more of an effect if it was used sparingly, to brighten the edges of this bleak drama. But that's just an opinion.

The wind perished upon our doorstep, died buffeting the door. You stood
there a long while, looking at the home that had so recently turned into a house,
and you sighed. You tried to avoid me with your eyes, but
they fell on me just a moment later, and they fell back down, disappointed. Was that
shame?

This is such a strong stanza, and part of it might be because figurative language is used very sparingly, but I did have one problem, and that's with "You tried to avoid me with your eyes, but they fell on me just a moment later, and they fell back down, disappointed." Maybe the repeated use of 'fell' is an artistic/stylistic choice, in which case keep it, but I don't think there's any excuse for 'you tried to avoid me with your eyes.' Perhaps 'Your eyes tried to avoid me.' And I understand why you put it in, so they could fall on and fall off, but what else is he going to avoid you with? His hands? His ears? Perhaps you could say:

You tried to avoid me, but your eyes
fell on me just a moment later, and then
fell back down, disappointed.

Obviously that line breakage isn't consistent with your poem, and God knows I'm not a poet, but just something to consider. Eye avoiding is probably the weakest link in this incredibly strong and gorgeously written poem.

Also, I was wondering if you wanted to change "in one, solid blaze of acknowledgement" to "into one, solid blaze of acknowledgment." (There's no 'e' in between the g and m of acknowledgment. Just a small typo!)

Anyway. I loved this. This actually may be one of my favorite pieces of yours to date. Thanks for sharing!