Gifts

You speak to me,
and I speak back,
but do not
meet your eyes.

You think its odd
that when we speak
I tell you
nought but lies.

You ask of me
what I won't say:
the secret
'if's and 'why's.

And now you shout.
I look away.
You grab my chin,
So I must say...

I am a witch-child
Which child? Witch child.
I am a witch child.
look away

Fear me now, Man,
Fear the witch-child
Fear the gifts
of the wild

Run from me now,
before I'm riled.
I was once
'Angel Child'

Now I'm defined
as 'Devil's Child.'
Rows of souls
neatly filed.

And now you shout.
I look away.
You grab my chin,
So I must say...

I am a witch-child
Which child? Witch child.
I am a witch child.
Free and wild

FLyerS wrote:
And now you shout.
I look away.
You grab my chin,
So I must say...

I am a witch-child
Which child? Witch child.
I am a witch child.
Free and wild

I've got to say that I'm impressed with the poem, mostly because you're consistent with your syllable pattern. However, I hate when it's used anything with bold in any poem. You consider the reader as a fool with that. People will know, even without the parts in bold, what's happening in the poem or what is important. The last stanza is a tongue twister. Normally, I like this kind of stuff (this is called homoioteleuton, it was used in medieval literature quite often), but in this poem, it seems too odd and complicated and it ruins that syllable pattern I mentioned before. I also like the contrast you developed through the poem with all that good and all that evil.

Hi Flyer, here as requested, with a shredding.

Firstly,

And now you shout.
I look away.
You grab my chin,
So I must say...

Really what does this do for your poem? If it's for emphasis, you put it in the wrong place. I personally think the bolding of the words is useless and has no positive effect whatsoever, as a matter a fact it distracts the reader, making them think 'huh? Is there something I missed?'

Anyways.

I am a witch-child
Which child? Witch child.
I am a witch child.
look away.

I highly dislike your playing with the homophones 'which' and 'witch'. Too naive for such a poem. And homophones in general and a stumble to your poem that makes the reader pause in the middle of a train of thought. You keep chopping down on the rhythm that you create for the reader to just flow with in their train of thought. That ever-so precious link between your reader's attention and imagination and your poem. You keep cutting off that link.

Also, the repetition is hard to swallow. The reader has to slow down to be able to keep on track with it. Once again, severing that link even more.

Rhyming limits the language you can use and right now it sounds like the vocabulary of a seven year old. If you want a successful rhyme, expand your vocabulary a lot more.

Kamas

Actually, Flyer, I thought this poem was rather nice. It flowed particularly well, and told a good story. The rhymes do cripple it somewhat however. Most of the time you managed to find good smooth rhymes and made each stanza sound pretty nice. But check out these two.

Run from me now,
before I'm riled.
I was once
'Angel Child'

•So about this one, it's a really minor mistake, but really important to the whole flow of the poem. Add "the" in front of Angel Child to keep the syllable count the same. You'll find it really helps smooth out the stanza.

Now I'm defined
as 'Devil's Child,'
with your souls
neatly filed.

• This one has such a horribly forced rhyme in the last line. To remedy that somewhat, add another one syllable word in front of "neatly" to even out the syllables. That is if you don't want to try to redo this stanza so it's rhyme isn't so obviously stuffed in there.

I think that's it with that. I, personally liked that homophone word play. It added some playfulness to a grim poem, and I think it kept the reader more hooked on.

I am a witch-child
Which child? Witch child.
I am a witch child.
Free and wild

• This stanza is just not the best, and it does not fit with the rest of the poem.
- Free and wild? But he took her chin and made her stay...
- I actually think that's about it for this one, but I think you should end it more dramatically. Like "I am a witch child, Look away," which would end the poem with more dramatic-ness and keep it sounding more fluid and more on the same track with the rest of the poem.

You ask of me
what I won't say:
the secrets
'if's and 'why's.

• Wouldn't "secret" sound better. "The secret if's and why's." Making secret plural makes the whole two lines sound kind of awkward.

I think that's it. I liked the poem and the story it told. It would sound less "juvenile" as Kamas put it, if you brushed up some of those stanzas and made them read cleaner.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Hi Flyer! I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing

So, there's really just one thing I'd like to point out, since there has been many things mentioned already. It is for your start. As I went down reading, I could already sense what this would turn out like. It sounded like a normal poem, a far too common problem. As I came to the middle of the poem, it started to get interesting. Yes, this is good, partially. Because most readers, especially much as young as ourselves, if they start reading something that resembles something too much, they'll just close the page. I admit, I felt tempted to. So, my advice would be to try and spice up the beginning, making it more like "Show, don't tell". Try to join in some imagery, some more emotion wise lines. Basically, the beginning is a description of the scenery.

Second point! I really couldn't relate to this. Who is this witch-child? And who is the man? Why is she so emotional towards him knowing about her true self? I know a poem isn't supposed to tell the whole story, that is why there are fiction forums, but poem is all about emotion and relating to it. if I can't really know who the person is, what's happening, how it feels, then I can't relate to it.

I really liked your flow. It was very good, even, and made me dance through the stanzas

So, try to re-read and work on that. Hope I've helped! Thanks for posting this, and PM me if you need anything!
- Kat

I really like this poem! The rhythm is great and the subject immediately makes the reader imagine what a witch-child is and makes stories fly inside your head. I love that kind of poem that makes you think about it later and gives all kinds of inspiration.

You commented on the two only works I have published so far saying that you thought they were bad because they were love poems; I myself prefer reading fantastic and magical poems more than love poems but lately my brain is stuck on the whole love thing and I cant find anything else to write about that inspires me!!! But love poems are a matter of preference and opinion and some people like them alot.

FLyerS wrote:You speak to me,
and I speak back,
but do not
meet your eyes.

You think its odd
that when we speak
I tell you
nought but lies.

You ask of me
what I won't say:
the secret
'if's and 'why's.

And now you shout.
I look away.
You grab my chin,
So I must say...

Hey there! I really liked this start, I'm not sure about the ellipses though. I think you've well structured it and it's definately easy to read with fluency and pace. I enjoyed the small snippets of imagery and the line length kind of not only made it original but bag more affect too. What I would say, though, is that after these first handful of stanzas your writing becomes a little choppy like at the bit where you say:

Which child? Witch child

That didn't really work with the rest of the poem and infact was a bit of a tongue twister so the pace was kind of slashed a little too. I think you can improve the choppy fluency nearer the end by taking out a few lines and rearranging it, it'll be a little shorter but it doesn't really matter because it'll still pack that affect.

Anyway, keep it up, you're very talented.
~Ben

Great poem I have a little bit of a review for you though.

I was really involved in the poem up until this part:

"And now you shout.
I look away.You grab my chin,
So I must say...

I am a witch-child
Which child? Witch child.
I am a witch child.
look away

Fear me now, Man,
Fear the witch-child
Fear the gifts
of the wild"

It sort of threw me off, and I had trouble regaining the feeling I felt upon first reading it. The end parts are what threw me off...they stopped rhyming with the rest and it confused me. And it wasn't kept consistent...but if that was your intention, then that's ok

I feel like this was harsh. If it was, feel free to inform me.

Feel free to tear it apart in any way. I wrote this last year. Feel free to tear apart anything I write. I like it. It helps me improve.