Too Many Secrets

Spoiler

This is a story I worked on a while ago. I went back and edited the first chapter. I'd like to get honest opinions. Rip it apart please

Summer had ended, and with it all the freedom that I had. The first day of my junior year in high school had began. I was the most queer girl in class, therefore subjected to the most ridicule. It was something I did not look forward to.

'Eva, we're here.' My mother looked at me worriedly. We could never really fit in, she knew. We would always be odd. I could sense she worried about me with every fibre of her being. I smiled reassuringly as I got out of the old station wagon and made my way to Old Quilt High School. It was the only highschool in the town of Old Quilt where me and my mother had lived, and our ancestors before that. This is where I had spent my whole life being mocked and bullied because I appeared odd.

I walked in, clutching my black school bag for protection. Protection from what? Them. Amy walked towards me. She walked tall, her deep blue eyes slicing me.

'Creep. I thought I told you to go find a new town .' She said, raising one perfectly shaped eyebrow. Becca and Christine, her evil sidekicks were by her side soon enough.

I didn't answer.

'What is she wearing?' Becca whispered to Christine who fingered a crucifix as she looked at me. Christine was the only one actually truly scared of me.

'Her grandmother's skirt.' Christine said just loudly enough for me to hear, and yet, with fear trembling in her voice.

I felt anger boiling in me. My face turned red, so defined because of the mass of wild red curls on my head.

'Please go' I said, as I glared at them.

'Why?' Amy snarled. 'You don't like us, Evangeline?' I walked away. It was best to do so in these occasions. I did not want to hang around for their sake. They could get seriously injured even if I didn’t mean for them to be. It was to do with that strange part of me that I had no control over and did not like talking about.

I was completely lost in my thoughts as I made my way to class. I’d spaced out the way I often do. This world bores me greatly, when there is no one around to make me feel unwelcome. I suppose being bored is better than feeling unwelcome, but sometimes I crave the negative attention. I don’t know what’s worse. Being ignored and feeling like you’re invisible, or being bullied.

I looked up to see an unfamiliar face across the school yard . A boy. He was tall, more a man than a boy, with dark hair, neatly cropped and impossibly beautiful grey eyes. His skin looked sun kissed, like he had spent the summer on the beach. It wouldn’t be surprising if he did. I hear that a lot of people tend to do just that every summer. He was definitely new, as I hadn’t seen him before, not even around town.

I’m not sure if he noticed me staring at him, but all of a sudden he started walking towards me and walking towards me with purpose at that. I cringed and looked behind me to see if he was maybe walking towards someone else, but there was no one there. I looked back at him. He was coming closer. I clutched my bag and bit my lip, feeling nervous.

'I''m very sorry.' He said, as he approached me. 'I’m new here, and I have no idea how to get to my first class. I was wondering if you could help me.’ I looked at him dumbfounded. ‘My name is Caleb, by the way.’ He added as he reached out his hand to shake mine.

I offered my trembling hand as I introduced myself.

'Evangeline.' I almost whispered. He took my hand and shook it heartily

'I'm very pleased to meet you, Eva.’ He said, a grin on his face. I tried to ignore the fact that he immediately used my nickname, even though it struck me as slightly odd.

'Where do you come from?' I asked.

'Far away.' That was cryptic, but before I could confront him about it, the bell rang.

'I have to get to my first class.' I said, awkwardly.

'All right, but could you tell me how to get to English with Ms. Peters first?' He asked. Right. That’s why he had come over to speak to me.

I looked down at my schedule. I had English with Ms.Peters first period. How utterly predictable, I thought.


'Looks like I have that first period, too. Let's go together.'

As we walked down the hallway, I realized that the moment we actually walk in, Caleb would never look at me again. All the popular girls would immediately grab his attention and soon everyone would tell him what a freak I was. I sighed, saddened by the thought.

'What is it?' Caleb asked. 'You look upset.'

'Oh, you know, just the first day of school.'

We walked into the classroom and all chatting immediately seized. First, because this absolutely gorgeous boy had walked in, and second because he had walked in with me.

Ms.Peters looked at me.

'Who is that, Eva?' She asked curiously.

'This is Caleb. He's a new student.' I explained.

'Take your seat.' She said as she nodded. I found a seat at the back away from everyone else. I didn't want to get in trouble's way.

The whole time Ms.Peters made him stand in front of the class and tell us about him, he never took his eyes off me. The popular girls were twirling strands of hair on their fingers, secretly applying lipgloss, batting their eyelashes. But he did not even look at them. My heart fluttered in my chest. My cheeks burned. He flashed me one of those beautiful, intellectual smiles that few guys had. Then he took his seat at the front of the class. I was kind of dissapointed that he had not sat next to me, but I didn't let it show.

The bell rang. We didn't have class together next period. I had French. Once again, I sat all by myself, pretty far from any one else. I could still hear their remarks, though.

I heard Amy and Becca laugh over how crazy my hair had gotten and did I ever cut it. Christine made fun of my clothes, as always. My skirt. I heard them talk about how I never left my house. Sure. The topic of the queer little girl with the creepy heritage never got old.

The bell rang again. Lunch. I sat in the most secluded part of the cafeteria away from anyone, in the corner. Then Caleb walked in. He was followed by a bunch of popular girls, Amy, Becca and Christine among them. Some guys had crowded around him too. I didn't expect anything else, yet as I saw him with them, my heart felt heavy. Like I'd hoped. In vain.

Suddenly though, something strange happened. He excused himself from the group and slowly walked towards me. Everyone watched, jaws hung. He smiled, as he sat by me and took out a packed lunch that he began unwrapping.

'So, how do you like your first day at Old Quilt High?’ I smiled, as I bit into my apple.

Awesome... it is perfect

Far from it

Wow, I liked it! Awesome!

Guys, honestly, I want it to be ripped apart. I know it's not awesome! I'd prefer longer reviews that tell me what's wrong.

Hello there, stelagineva! I do hope you're having a nice day! You asked for some longer reviews and some ripping apart, so maybe this will fill that void for you.

Alright; to begin, let me just say: this is my first review in quite awhile, so I might be a tad rusty (don't kick me for it!). So, to begin with, I'd like to say that your character, and just your writing in general, has a very unique touch to it, and it took some getting used to (however, this may be due to the fact that I was just reading what I call a "guilty pleasure" novel -- those Sarah Dessen books and the Clique ones). It was very regal, and as this girl as a high school junior, I don't see her having such a refined voice, unless you have some reason why she's like that.

Next:

stelagineva wrote: I was the most queer girl in class, therefore subjected to the most ridicule. It was something I did not look forward to.

So, I was bullied once, when I was much younger -- around fourth grade. Looking back, I realize maybe I was a bit odd, with my huge glasses, knotty hair, and nail-biting problems -- not to mention the overall "geek factor" I had. However, at the time of being bullied, I never realized just why I was being singled out. I thought I was normal, just like the popular and pretty girls. Which leads me to think that it's not just me, sure, you can see yourself as a nerd, but calling yourself odd and queer so acceptingly like this girl is, well, I just don't see that being realistic.

Now, another thing I noticed was a lack of motivation in Caleb's ways. He's good-looking, obviously, and he probably knows that, especially if he's ever looked in a mirror. So why doesn't he notice the prettier girls batting their lashes at him? Now, I know boys at my school that are like Caleb; but they do notice the pretty "airhead" girls, they just choose not to talk with them. However, if it's just a pretty girl, not one of the popular airheads, they give her undivided attention. So it's unlikely he (Caleb) would completely ignore all the girls. I understand him sitting by the main character, but ignoring the other girls, definitely not.

Next, I'd like to point out how you are doing your dialogue slightly wrong. Of course, continue that way if you must, but instead of something like the following segment of your story, try my example.

stelagineva wrote:Creep. I thought I told you to go find a new town .' She said, raising one perfectly shaped eyebrow. Becca and Christine, her evil sidekicks were by her side soon enough.

"Creep! I thought I had told you to find a new town," she said haughtily, raising one perfectly-shaped eyebrow. Becca and Christine, her evil sidekicks, were by her side soon enough.

If you need some more help with dialogue, you can always feel free to message me. Overall, I think the beginning is a tad cliche; like, oh, there's a hot new guy, and wow, he's interested in me? It's been done before. However, I'm excited to see how you draw this out. I want to see an example of why they think your MC is so odd, so I can fully understand the situation. Keep writing!

Have a g'day!

xx Mizz

Hi! Sorry it took me so long to get to this. ^_^

Since this is part of a novel, I'm going to assume that you're not really interested in me nit-picking it in a sentence-by-sentence way, so I'm not going to do that--but I do recommend you comb through it carefully and fix little typos. They're not terrible mistakes, just things like leaving out spaces and such. I trust you can fix that your self, though, so I'm not going to waste either of our time by finding them for you.

Firstly, I have to (very politely!) disagree with Mizzle--I see nothing wrong with the main character knowing she's a misfit. In fact, I think that' might be my favorite part of the piece. She's not obsessed with fitting in, and I like that. She isn't necessarily happy about being an outcast, but she's sort of resigned to it, and she has grown to get by without friends. I like that. It makes me like her, rather than just pity her. I am also really, really intrigued by what makes her so 'queer.' Did you mention something about creepy heritage? I'm intrigued.

The reason why I like her, and am intrigued by her oddness, is because it's original. I'm sorry to say this, but the rest of it doesn't seem so original. I'm not saying that something has to be original in order to be good... it's just a lot harder to suck readers in with something that's been done before. I'm going to echo Mizzle in saying that the whole "mysterious, gorgeous guy falling for girl who thinks she's inadequate" idea has been done before. As a reader, I'm not all that interested to read your story about it because I can't imagine it'll be that different from anyone else's. Now, I think this can be remedied. You have a really unique idea in the main character, I think, so that shows that you have a knack for creating interesting characters--so why not make more of them?

Right now, I feel like everyone except for Eva is really shallow. All the mean girls are classic mean girls, snobby, cliquey, pretty, made-up... they feel like paper cut-outs. Even Caleb is cliché. He's perfect! He's beautiful, charming, friendly... nice to Eva even though nobody else is. Even Eva is bordering on shallow, with her excitement over the attention from Caleb. It all just feels very soap-opera-esque. I'm sorry if this sounds mean, but you said you wanted honest and brutal, so that's what I'm giving you.

In my opinion, this piece would be much better if you worked on putting something uniquely your own into it. I don't mean a clever word choice here, or an interesting character trait there--I'm talking about your main purpose for writing this. Are you writing it because you feel like there is something that you, individually, want to accomplish? Is there some message that you want to carry across to the reader? It doesn't have to be something you could sum up in one sentence, and it's definitely not something you have to tell me... but it has to be there. There must be something that's leading you to write this. Even if you're just thinking that you'd like to have some fun writing in a popular genre there must be something you, and only you, can bring to it--right? Well, I'm sure there is, but I can't see what it is.

Once again, I'm really sorry if this comes across as mean. I absolutely don't want to be mean. I'd just hate to see someone who obviously has so much potential ending up writing a cookie-cutter piece that could have been written by anyone.

Please let me know if you have any questions or would like to discuss/argue anything! And please don't hate me for writing such a mean review--I only want to help you, and I'm being as honest as I can.

I hope this helps!
a

Hey, stela. ^^

I'm finally here to review this. You seem to have already gotten an Azila review, so I fear I may not have much to add. I'm also not going to do any nit-picks because by not doing them, I seem to be able to give a better overall critique, which I think is more important than nit-picks. If you do want me to nit-pick this though, please ask! I'll just post another review full of nit-picks, if you want. Just ask.

As a whole, I liked this. I think you have a really nice writing style which I found easy to follow. I like the voice of your MC because it's unique, and overall, she seems to have an interesting voice. Admittedly, some aspects of her do edge on cliché, but there aren't any huge problems or anything. It's not her voice that's unoriginal, I don't think, but the character herself... It' shard to explain. I think the fact that she's a classic outsider is what I'm not overly keen on. Staying on the same subject, here's a critique.

My main critique is what Azila and Mizzle seem to have said already. Azila described it in more detail, but Mizzle did mention it as well. Basically, there are quite a few elements of this that seem a bit cliché. I think it's mainly the situation your characters seem to be in. Okay, so there's an outsider girl who gets bullied, she meets a hot guy and he's really nice to her. I've seen that so many times before, and I think it's the main issue in this story. Like Azila said, you don't necessarily need an original story for it to be a good one, but it can cause problems when it comes to keeping your readers interest. Basically, it's harder to keep someone interested in something that's been done before compared to something that hasn't.

The only other thing I really noticed was something to do with Caleb himself. I'm also not too sure about his reactions and behaviour towards both Eva and the mean girls. Like Mizzle said, I find it weird that Caleb completely ignored the popular girls. Okay, so maybe he hates them? If he does, show it. Have him comment on them to Eva or something, telling her that he thinks they're immature or whatever. You could argue that he's trying to be mysterious, especially taking what he said after Eva asked him where he'd came from into account, but I'm not sure if making him mysterious is the best idea. Once again, it falls into the cliché thing.

Parts of this, I have to admit, sounded a bit Twilightish. I think it's partly because of what I said above - that Caleb falls into the whole mysterious, hot character thing. That's exactly what Edward Cullen was like at the beginning of Twilight. The scenes of this chapter have a Twilight feel to them too. It's swapped around, but there's a new kid at school, there's a hot guy, and that hot guy doesn't pay much attention to others. The details don't match up as perfectly, but the general idea of the chapter does. Do you see what I mean?

Negatives aside, I do honestly like this. I think it could have buckets of potential. You clearly have some great writing skills, your writing flows smoothly and I think you have the potential to create some really great characters. With a bit of tweaking, I think this could be wonderful.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Thanks Mizzle, Aliza and Skins.
As soon as Skins pointed out the relation between twilight, I started thinking about my plot and realized it was a lot like twilight. Or it had too much to do with the book in one way or another. So I'm changing it all around and making him less perfect and human, but there still be a fantasy aspect to the book. Just not with Caleb. In fact, I'll have to rewrite the chapter again. But, it's all for the best. Still, thanks everyone for helping me out.

Hey stela. Sorry I have taken so long to get to this for you. Your link didn't work and you didn't give my the title so I was a little lost until you told my where to look. Anyhow. Firstly, thank you for picking something I like to review. So far I have review fantasy, fantasy fantasy-which I hate.
*Ahem*
I'll get back to the review now. -->

Grammar first.

Summer had ended, and with it all the freedom that I had. The first day of my junior year in high school had began. I was the most queerThe most queer, isn't grammatically correct, I would say something along the lines of-You didn't fit in or I was the weirdest in the class. Queer just interupptes the perfect beginning you wrote. girl in class, therefore subjected to the most ridicule. It was something I did not look forward to.

'Eva, we're here.' My mother looked at me worriedly. We could never really fit in, she knew. We would always be odd. I could sense she worried about me with every fibre of her being. I smiled reassuringly as I got out of the old station wagon and made my way to Old Quilt High School. It was the only highschool in the town of Old Quilt where me and my mother had lived, and our ancestors before that. This is where I had spent my whole life being mocked and bullied because I appeared odd.

I walked in, clutching my black school bag for protection. Protection from what? Them. Amy walked towards me. She walked tall, her deep blue eyes slicing me. Slicing through me sounds better and reads better too. Plus, she just came in. Why would she be waiting for her? I think you should explain in detail why she waits to leap out at her. Does she have a gang with her? Does she lie in wait for you every year? You opened up a whole new subject. Try and give us some more information about why Amy terrifies her so.

'Creep. I thought I told you to go find a new town .' She said, raising one perfectly shaped eyebrow. Becca and Christine, her evil sidekicks were by her side soon enough.

I didn't answer.

'What is she wearing?' Becca whispered to Christine who fingered a crucifix as she looked at me. Christine was the only one actually truly scared of me.

'Her grandmother's skirt.' Christine said just loudly enough for me to hear, and yet, with fear trembling in her voice.

I felt anger boiling in me. My face turned red, so defined because of the mass of wild red curls on my head.

'Please go' I said, as I glared at them.

'Why?' Amy snarled. 'You don't like us, Evangeline?' I walked away. It was best to do so in these occasions. I did not want to hang around for their sake. They could get seriously injured even if I didn’t mean for them to be. It was to do with that strange part of me that I had no control over and did not like talking about. Again, I think you left this to open and blunt. You should describe whatever it is that's bothering her in a tad more detail. I know you don't want to give away too much too soon but a little more description would help here.

I was completely lost in my thoughts as I made my way to class. I’d spaced out the way I often do. This world bores me greatly, when there is no one around to make me feel unwelcome. I suppose being bored is better than feeling unwelcome, but sometimes I crave the negative attention. I don’t know what’s worse. Being ignored and feeling like you’re invisible, or being bullied.

I looked up to see an unfamiliar face across the school yard . A boy. He was tall, more a man than a boy, with dark hair, neatly cropped and impossibly beautiful grey eyes. His skin looked sun kissed, like he had spent the summer on the beach. It wouldn’t be surprising if he did. I hear that a lot of people tend to do just that every summer. He was definitely new, as I hadn’t seen him before, not even around town.

I’m not sure if he noticed me staring at him, but all of a sudden he started walking towards me and walking towards me with purpose at that. I cringed and looked behind me to see if he was maybe walking towards someone else, but there was no one there. I looked back at him. He was coming closer. I clutched my bag and bit my lip, feeling nervous.

'I''m very sorry.' He said, as he approached me. 'I’m new here, and I have no idea how to get to my first class. I was wondering if you could help me.’ I looked at him dumbfounded. ‘My name is Caleb, by the way.’ He added as he reached out his hand to shake mine.

I offered my trembling hand as I introduced myself.

'Evangeline.' I almost whispered. He took my hand and shook it heartily

'I'm very pleased to meet you, Eva.’ He said, a grin on his face. I tried to ignore the fact that he immediately used my nickname, even though it struck me as slightly odd.

'Where do you come from?' I asked.

'Far away.' That was cryptic, but before I could confront him about it, the bell rang.

'I have to get to my first class.' I said, awkwardly.

'All right, but could you tell me how to get to English with Ms. Peters first?' He asked. Right. That’s why he had come over to speak to me.

I looked down at my schedule. I had English with Ms.Peters first period. How utterly predictable, I thought.


'Looks like I have that first period, too. Let's go together.'

As we walked down the hallway, I realized that the moment we actually walk in, Caleb would never look at me again. All the popular girls would immediately grab his attention and soon everyone would tell him what a freak I was. I sighed, saddened by the thought.

'What is it?' Caleb asked. 'You look upset.'

'Oh, you know, just the first day of school.'

We walked into the classroom and all chatting immediately seized. First, because this absolutely gorgeous boy had walked in, Get rid of this commaand second because he had walked in with me.

Ms.Peters looked at me.

'Who is that, Eva?' She asked curiously.

'This is Caleb. He's a new student.' I explained.

'Take your seat.' She said as she nodded. I found a seat at the back away from everyone else. I didn't want to get in trouble's way.

The whole time Ms.Peters made him stand in front of the class and tell us about him, he never took his eyes off me. The popular girls were twirling strands of hair on their fingers, secretly applying lipgloss, batting their eyelashes. But he did not even look at them. My heart fluttered in my chest. My cheeks burned. He flashed me one of those beautiful, intellectual smiles that few guys had. Then he took his seat at the front of the class. I was kind of dissapointed that he had not sat next to me, but I didn't let it show.

The bell rang. We didn't have class together next period. I had French. Once again, I sat all by myself, pretty far from any one else. I could still hear their remarks, though.

I heard Amy and Becca laugh over how crazy my hair had gotten and did I ever cut it. Christine made fun of my clothes, as always. My skirt. I heard them talk about how I never left my house. Sure. The topic of the queer little girl with the creepy heritage never got old.

The bell rang again.This is a bit repeititive. I would change it to, The bell sounded marking lunchtime or something like that. Lunch. I sat in the most secluded part of the cafeteria away from anyone, in the corner.I think you should either tell us at least if she likes sitting alone or express some feelings or emotions. Tell us if she's sad or depressed. Help us see what's going on inside her brain. Then Caleb walked in. He was followed by a bunch of popular girls, Amy, Becca and Christine among them. Some guys had crowded around him too. I didn't expect anything else, yet as I saw him with them, my heart felt heavy. Like I'd hoped. In vain.

Suddenly though, something strange happened. He excused himself from the group and slowly walked towards me. Everyone watched, jaws hung. He smiled, as he sat by me and took out a packed lunch that he began unwrapping.

'So, how do you like your first day at Old Quilt High?’ I smiled, as I bit into my apple.

Ok all in all you didn't have really any grammar or editing problems.
It was nice for a change. It shows you take pride in your work and you put a lot of effort into it. Its important that your work refelcts the reviewers work. If your work is sloopy and a mess, the reviews will be the same. I thoroughly enjoyed not having to nit-pick my way through each sentence. Well done.

Your description was ish. *If that makes sense* It lacked in a lot of places. For one, I have know idea what is wrong with the MC. You never clarifeid her problem if she even had one. The only reason her friends picked on her that we know of is because of her skirt and I doubt her mother would look at her worriedly as you mentioned at the start because of her skirt. Is she a homo? Is her face deformed? We know absolutly nothing on her backround. We get the opinion that her ancestors were bullied too. Why? See what I mean. You described some things well but then the most important parts you left blunt and un-clear. These are the little things that needs attention. I think a general run over and edit would help this immensly. When you're talking about Caleb you didn't describe her feelings either. Why did she like him? Did he have a nice personality? Was it the way he looks at her? All these little things would make the story so much better, right now I think its rather plain. Grey. Do I make sense or am I blabbering?

On to imagery. Again I think a lot more imagery could have been interpreted into this story. I know it's hard to think of graceful words that describe everything how you would them to be but here's a tip. I always, when writing a story, have a dictionary open on a tab with a thesauras. It really helps especially when you have these foreign looking words in your story-It makes you look ultra clever.

The charachters you choose where quite sterotypical but I'm not really going to comment on that because that's mainly quite opinionated.

The flow was a bit too choppy for my liking. You started off beautifully and caused me to think I was really on to something. There were pot holes *Woah, I'm so metaphroic.* all over the place causing the pace in general to slow. I think by fixing your description problem, your pace will smoothen out.

Overall
I think this has great potential but just needs that extra bit of TLC that will help it to have a bit of body.
Edit for a day or two, that will help a lot.
Thanks a lot for requesting this review.
Keep writing,

Kaka xo

Hey there!

I haven't read any of the previous reviews but hopefully I'll not repeat too much and if I do, at least you know there's a consensus!

Okay so this isn't really my cup of tea but I'll try to be fair in pointing out what was done well and what wasn't. First, some good stuff. I think you've got a nice command on your character's personality. It's a little early to say for sure but she seems pretty steady and consistent. She has a good idea of who she is and she's a strong and independent girl. I rather like her so that's good. I didn't like any of your side characters though, nor dislike them. They were too flat or cliche for me to feel anything for them. You've got a few nice descriptions but not enough atmosphere. To really build that atmosphere up, you need to concentrate on more than just one scent. At the moment you've told us only what can be seen and that doesn't draw the reader in enough. Think about smell, sound, touch and taste as well! If you need some help there, here's a handy article: topic33840.html.

Alright, let's move on to specific comments:

'Eva, we're here.' My mother looked at me worriedly. We could never really fit in, she knew. We would always be odd. I could sense she worried about me with every fibre of her being. I smiled reassuringly as I got out of the old station wagon and made my way to Old Quilt High School. It was the only highschool in the town of Old Quilt where me and my mother had lived, and our ancestors before that. This is where I had spent my whole life being mocked and bullied because I appeared odd.

Your sentences here are all a similar length which gives the novel a flat, awkward feel. You need to vary them more! Long, descriptive sentences will add those key details, medium sentences keep the ballance and short ones should be used for dramatic effect.

'Creep. I thought I told you to go find a new town .' She said, raising one perfectly shaped eyebrow. Becca and Christine, her evil sidekicks were by her side soon enough.

Grammar lesson time! You should end dialogue with a comma if you're going to follow with a tag such as 'she said' or 'he called' and then, it's a small letter for the tag. If you end the dialogue with a full stop, you're not allowed to use a tag. That's for when you've already indicated who is speaking, or you don't need to.

I felt anger boiling in me. My face turned red, so defined because of the mass of wild red curls on my head.

This is phrased awkwardly and red hair actually makes it less obvious when someone is red in the face. Now if you said she had pale skin, then it would make sense for the red to be defined.

'Please go' I said, as I glared at them.

How does she say this? Sharply or softly? Quickly or slowly? Is she mustering her patience to appear calm and polite on the outside or is she snapping at them?

The whole time Ms.Peters made him stand in front of the class and tell us about him, he never took his eyes off me. The popular girls were twirling strands of hair on their fingers, secretly applying lipgloss, batting their eyelashes. But he did not even look at them. My heart fluttered in my chest. My cheeks burned. He flashed me one of those beautiful, intellectual smiles that few guys had. Then he took his seat at the front of the class. I was kind of dissapointed that he had not sat next to me, but I didn't let it show.

Let's pause a moment here and talk realism. Now. I know this is teenage romance and stuff like that does happen where you find all you want to do is look at one particular person. However, it's rare and even if he did find her the most beautiful girl ever, he'd still probably have a glance at some of his other class-mates first. Teenagers are very aware of being judged or watched and they'll generally not want to be caught crushing on someone until they know more about them or have decided that it's okay to crush on them. There's just... a whole number of reasons why this is cliche and wrong. It would be more realistic to say he looked at her for the most part but did glance at the other students and you could even have her jealousy/ disapointment flare up when he meets the eyes of the girl's twirling their hair.

Also, don't rush the parts that have no boy in them. You're making it too obvious that this is all about him when instead there should be side plots and other stuff. Describe the next class in full. Maybe have something else arise, like an incident with the other students or show what she's like at schooling: good, poor? Does she stick her hand up to ask questions? Just... don't make this all about the boy, okay?

Annnd I'm done reading. Hmmm. It was alright as far as high school dramas go but there wasn't much that I found original or amazingly perceptive. I think you're going to need to work on your settings, your characterization and your plot some more but don't worry, you've got the MC down and that's a good start.

If you have any questions or would like me to take a second look, feel free to get in touch! I hope this helps,

Heather xxx