this is not a poem about love

you were made for greater planes than those of my
stitched-up words and uncapitalized lines, and
for that i apologize.

your dreams take such space, and i know
that my lines are to them what jesses are to flight,
but if i don’t find some way to tether them down they’ll
never come back and i’ll still be here and then—

i’m sorry for taking the words and the shapes of your tongue,
for making them so tiny and small. it’s just

nothing else would work, not rolling them up in a papercrisp ball
or laying them down somewhere flat and quiescent and
i could not
let them go, so i did to them what i always do, when
behind my eyes the imprint of you lingers, so tall and so bright.

i’m not writing this for you, else this would be illumination
upon illumination, golden-leaved and blacklettered
over with gravity and consideration. here it’s just the clickclack of
plastic and the blink of a screen, and it’s
me with my
dotted little is and my dangling dashes and

well it’s nights spent thinking of places to use words like
nadir or arabesque and
mad hours dreaming your speeches tattooed on the lines of
my clumsy hands and thinking of ways to tell you

how when i’m writing like this all it means is that
i’m taking something too huge to be walked away from and
trying, trying to break it into little pieces to pick up
and make into a song.


Jag's ridiculously predictable imagery + style experimentation + 1am = this.

Jagged wrote:you were made for greater planes than those of my
uncapitalized lines and stitched-up words, and
for that i apologize.

your dreams take such space, and i know
that my lines are to them what jesses are to flight,
but if i don’t find some way to tether them down they’ll
never
come back and i’ll still be here and then—
what then?

i’m sorry for taking the words and the shapes of your tongue,
for making them so tiny and small. it’s just

nothing else would work, not rolling them up in a papercrisp ball
or laying them down somewhere flat and quiescent and
i could not
let them go, so i did to them what i always do, with
behind my eyes you still so awesome, still so bright.

i’m not writing this for you, else this would be illumination
upon illumination, golden-leaved and blacklettered
over with gravity and consideration. here it’s just the clickclack of
plastic and the blink of a screen, and it’s
me with my
dotted little is and my dangling dashes and

well it’s nights spent thinking of places to use words like
nadir or arabesque and
mad hours dreaming your speeches tattooed on the lines of
my clumsy hands and thinking of ways to tell you

how when i’m writing like this all it means is that
i’m taking something too huge to be walked away from and
trying, trying to break it into little pieces to pick up
and make into a song.


Jag's ridiculously predictable imagery + style experimentation + 1am = this.

now this is true art i don't know why but it really got to me and something made me read this twice i don't think there is any mistake and honestly this is one of the best pieces i have yet so far on here, you carefully molded your words to create a fantastic expression.a lot poetry have sudden or meaningless ends while yours made perfect sense to keep up the good work my friend and stay motivated.

Hope i helped

Yours truly
- Stephene

WOW. i really loved this. beautiful.

Really nice work. I read this through a few times out loud and it flows beautifully and is very rich in emotion. That said, there were some parts of it that I felt needed work.

you were made for greater planes than those of my
stitched-up words and uncapitalized lines, and
for that i apologize.

This is a nice opener, but the uncapitalized lines part threw me. It's never really developed. I understand that the entire poem is uncapitalized in reference to this line, but it's not clear why everything is uncapitalized. I got the impression that you were trying to say that your writing is so far inferior to "you" that it's not even comparable. If that's true, then the stitched-up words make sense, but the fact that the writer recognizes the lack of capitalization makes it deliberate and not a mistake, which doesn't fit with the meaning.

your dreams take such space, and i know
that my lines are to them what jesses are to flight,
but if i don’t find some way to tether them down they’ll
never come back and i’ll still be here and then—
what then?

This section was my favorite in the piece. The desperation was so clear, and you kept it right on the edge of being overly dramatic without actually tipping over.

i’m sorry for taking the words and the shapes of your tongue,
for making them so tiny and small. it’s just

nothing else would work, not rolling them up in a papercrisp ball
or laying them down somewhere flat and quiescent and
i could not
let them go, so i did to them what i always do, with
behind my eyes you still so awesome, still so bright.

The transition into this section seemed really abrupt to me. I would've really liked to have seen you spend the rest of the poem developing the focus on the subject's dreams and how the writer relates to them, but you quickly jumped to the subject's words instead without building up or completing the previous portion.
Also, the last two lines of this section seemed very awkwardly worded to me. "With behind my eyes you still so awesome" particularly stood out as an odd and almost incomprehensible wording.
The use of "awesome" broke my immersion in the poem a little. I know the way you meant it, but it has been so strongly associated with dude-speak in my mind that it seemed out of place in such a delicate, beautiful poem.

i’m not writing this for you, else this would be illumination
upon illumination, golden-leaved and blacklettered
over with gravity and consideration. here it’s just the clickclack of
plastic and the blink of a screen, and it’s
me with my
dotted little is and my dangling dashes and

well it’s nights spent thinking of places to use words like
nadir or arabesque and
mad hours dreaming your speeches tattooed on the lines of
my clumsy hands and thinking of ways to tell you

how when i’m writing like this all it means is that
i’m taking something too huge to be walked away from and
trying, trying to break it into little pieces to pick up
and make into a song.

The topic again seems to abruptly change again with this section, moving into the internal importance of the poem. The biggest problem I had with this piece is that you seemed to be trying to write a poem encompassing an entire person and an entire relationship. With your style, that just doesn't work. Your writing is so rich in description and insight that it lends itself beautifully to spending large amounts of time on a single trait. Here you spread yourself across too many ideas, so nothing is ever developed to its potential (which given your talent, is huge).
You do have some excellent imagery in this section though, and I loved the final four lines. They give a final understanding of the intention of the poem and do a great job of conveying the writer's mind to the reader.

I hope at least some of that was helpful. I enjoyed this piece tremendously. Definitely getting a "like"

Fantastic! Fantastics! Fantastic! xx

This poem should go down in history. Amazing, Astonishing, Awesome. Those are just the "A"s. I could go on through the whole alphabet and have nothing but the Best things to say. You are- dare I say - Crazy good.

Amazing! You will go far for sure. Good job:)

I really like the concept of this poem: trying to express in words something that really can't be expressed in such a way. I also like how it has no set form; I'm so sick of people obsessing over complete order in poetry. Yours really breaks the bounds, and I admire that. Great job!

This is absolutley a wonderful poem keep up the good work I loved the emotion beautiful .

Hi Jagged,

This is good. This is... very good.

You managed to avoid all of the pitfalls of using gimmicks - the lack of consistent punctuation and capitalization, for example, just made this even more succulent and raw. The word placement was fantastic, the imagery was well-suited to the theme and conjoured up wellsprings of late-night murmurings and candlelit parchment.

I will point out just a few things:

Jagged wrote:your dreams take such space, and i know
that my lines are to them what jesses are to flight,
but if i don’t find some way to tether them down they’ll
never come back and i’ll still be here and then—
what then?

You don't need the "what then?". It's unnecessary and clogs up the otherwise beauty of that stanza. If you just leave the stanza dangling off the hyphen there at the end, it works to the same goal and is just as satisfactory. Actually, I'd say that the removal of those last two words makes the quoted part even better because it brings to mind unanswered questions and hesitation.

let them go, so i did to them what i always do, with
behind my eyes you still so awesome, still so bright.

I'm all for grammatical experimentation but this syntax just makes no sense. I don't know what you were trying to say here, but clarify.

And that's pretty much all I've got. Well done, and keep it up.

Hell. I hate critiques like this, they make me feel useless.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Hey Jagged,

There's nothing really to criticize. other than this was truly one of the best poems I have ever read.

-lilgreendots <3

i thouht this was awesome. keep up the goodwork

Awesome!

love it!:D