Thanks for all the positive comments on this, they were appreciated.
Last edited by WaitingForLife on Thu Feb 10, 2011 1:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'. ------- The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon. ------- ◥▶◀◤
this was really good and descriptive! Maybe a little over the top for my taste, however if you like it like that then keep it. i like that you used 'each' at the beginning of three consecutive lines, it added a really good effect. I also like the third line of the first stanza, very creative. I recommend this!
Thanks niapitts! ^^ Yeah, that's what I meant by going over-board at times... But oh well, I quite like it this way. Any suggestions anyone on how to possibly improve it?
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'. ------- The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon. ------- ◥▶◀◤
I think that your poem was quiete good.I liked the dramatic phrases and the over all feel of the poem. However you could improve it by making the following lines flow better. Otherwise I thought this a very sentimental poem, that I'm sure she will love With you I can forget the oddities of the World and all its crazy population;
You are more than the choices that you've made, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create, You'v been remade.
Hi WaitingForLife! I thought that this poem was really beautiful; there was a lot packed into it but it worked well. I agree with niapitts about it being over-the-top in some respects but it is really good and I'm sure that any girl would be honoured to get that from a boy!
I found that the 3 consecutive lines starting with Each worked really well, along with using different time measures in order
I think that one part, the line:
You are my safe haven, my roosting nest.
I personally thought that calling this person a roosting nest was a strange way of putting something, but that's just my opinion and if you like it then keep it!
I thought that the line:
Pretty words put aside: I love you;
is sooo beautiful! It made me smile and I think it's my favourite line!
Hope this helps ~strawberrypop13
there's footprints on the moon... so don't tell me the sky's the limit
Thanks a lot all of you. ^^ I'll see what I can do about the things you suggested and thanks again. I'll most probably delete this on the morrow if people think it's good as it is; no sense in ruining the surprise. But yeah, I'll see what I can do.
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'. ------- The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon. ------- ◥▶◀◤
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'. ------- The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon. ------- ◥▶◀◤
