Raging Calm

6 posts
User avatar
nekros
Gender Male
Points 740
Reviews 23
Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:37 pm
nekros says... · Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:37 pm
This one is intentionally short, it says what I see in my head. So here we are:

A blazing star so liquid and blue,
It left a footprint in the emptiness.
As if the heavens were snow!
That enchanted inferno outshone,
Outshone the galaxies.

Let every ocean pour out.
Let mountains rise and see.
May they all be entwined in this cool spiral.
I see your eyes open,
And smile.
"He laid emeralds in our eyes. Oh, but I'd already tried a bracelet made of gold and scarlet thread around her wrist. And everything was wrong, so we sang sentimental songs. Oh how seldom we belong, but how elegant our kiss." -Norma Jean "Memphis Will Be Laid To Waste"
Quote




User avatar
tinkembell
Gender Female
Points 1573
Reviews 96
Mon Feb 07, 2011 4:42 pm
tinkembell says... · Mon Feb 07, 2011 4:42 pm
Impressive :) I really liked this and I can't find any faults - except the capitals! If you put a comma then you shouldn't put a capital on the next line. Other than that I thought it was very good :D

Keep up the writing

~Tinken :)

*likes*
"The rabbit always squeals in the jaws of the fox, but when has another rabbit ever rushed up to save it?" Damon Salvatore
;'( please, my lump, he just needs HUGS <3
Need a review? Just ask :)
Just keep writing, just keep writing, do-do-do-do-do
Quote




User avatar
Sierra
Gender Female
Points 1903
Reviews 61
Mon Feb 07, 2011 4:50 pm
Sierra says... · Mon Feb 07, 2011 4:50 pm
Nice :)
It sounds very beautiful, and I can see what you are describing very vividly. My only problem would be the caps after commas, and the ending line is a little random sounding. It sounds good, but it seems disconnected from the rest of the poem.

Keep Writing!
Sierra.
What a shame,
We used to be such fragile broken things.
Quote




User avatar
ehte92
Gender Male
Points 67823
Reviews 254
Mon Feb 07, 2011 4:57 pm
ehte92 says... · Mon Feb 07, 2011 4:57 pm
This is a good one... I really loved it a lot.
I like your keen of such marvelous words. It makes the poem look beautiful and original.
As it is said above do not capitalize the words after you have given a comma.
As if the heavens were snow!
That enchanted inferno outshone,
Outshone the galaxies. I liked these lines the most


Keep up the great work. :D
PM me for anything. :)
Are you living for the things you are praying for?
Quote




User avatar
emmaline49
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 17
Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:25 pm
emmaline49 says... · Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:25 pm
That's a brilliant poem, nekros. It really is. I have absolutely no criticism. Just brilliant.
In the midst of winter/I found there lay within me/an eternal summer
Quote




User avatar
nekros
Gender Male
Points 740
Reviews 23
Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:36 pm
nekros says... · Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:36 pm
Thank you very much! Yeah, I know the capitalizing is "wrong" , but it looks better that way to me. I guess I get my drawing and writing mixed up a bit.
"He laid emeralds in our eyes. Oh, but I'd already tried a bracelet made of gold and scarlet thread around her wrist. And everything was wrong, so we sang sentimental songs. Oh how seldom we belong, but how elegant our kiss." -Norma Jean "Memphis Will Be Laid To Waste"
Quote

6 posts


Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle