Love Story chapter 1: Just the Begining

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 648
Reviews 88
Hey, you guys! This is my first story! Eek, wish me luck! Go to this link to the story-------> page.php?id=905
I hope you enjoy, and don't forget to comment!

Zzzip! The pain was unbearable. I had lost everything. The torture machine gave me an electric shock once again.
I heard my pumping heart, trying to keep me alive, my harsh breathing and his evil voice. I heard a low growl escape my throat.
"James! I can only stop the pain if you give in!" he yelled. I slowly looked up, I saw his disgusting face. I felt the sweat drip off my forehead. I spat on his face, and he burrowed his eyebrows in anger. He pulled me out of the horrible machine. I punched his face as hard as I could muster with my tired out muscles. Blood began to drop out of his nose. He pushed me down on a table. He pulled off my torn shirt. He got on top of me, then I noticed a red object, with steam coming out, in his hand.
He plunged it in the middle of my chest, and I felt the scorching heat penetrating my skin,
leaving me forever with the revolting pattern.
"Surrender!" he shouted.
I thought that the heat would soon engulf my heart in flames.
"Never!"

Prologue:
Dreams do come true. I always worked for my dreams. Now that I was living my dream, what was next for me? Changing the course of my hopes was unthinkable. I never thought that my dreams could change with only one glance. Was it possible that...maybe, my dreams were really something mind blowing, so utterly amazing, something that you would give up your soul for...something called love.

Love Story
chapter 1: Just the Begining

dewy orange flower.jpeg
dewy orange flower.jpeg (24.67 KiB) Viewed 325 times


~Amber's POV~
I walked out into the balcony. Where the cool, fall wind whipped my hair, tickling my face. The chill gave me goosebumps through my silky pajamas. My body was still its sleepy state. But my mind was racing. In fourteen days, I would start my last year at UCLA. I was confident, but with all the drama of being an actress and paparazzi, I break under the pressure if you push me to my limit. Usually I try to sent a good message, but the one time I exploded my emotions in front of my peers and the cameras...well, lets just say that my angry face was in a lot of magazines.

"Hey, soul sister. Ain't that mister, mister on the radio, stereo..." my cell phone rang, interrupting my thoughts.
Who calls at 7 in the morning? I thought. Being an early-bird seemed to always be on my side.
I walked back into my toasty-warm bedroom. On my bedside table, my cell was vibrating wildly. I clicked the touch screen.
"Hello, Amber speaking" I said, cheerfully.
"Well, duh!" I could recognize that high pitched voice from a mile away.
"So do you wanna hang out today?" my best friend asked. Even though I knew it wasn't a question.
She would drag me out, even if I said that I was being attached by aliens.
"Sure, Becca." I grinned.
"Great! Meet you at two!" and she hung up. She loved talking on the phone for hours about her problems. But wouldn't even have small talk with me if I wanted to talk.

I put on jeans, a white shirt, and an orange scarf. I stumbled downstairs. In stories, they make the clumsy girl sound so cute. But really, clumsiness isn't adorable. It should be named a serious medical disease or something.
As I reached the bottom of the enormous staircase, I heard my step-mother say.
"Amber, darling! Good morning, would you like something to eat?"
"No thanks, Hellena." I muttered.
"Huh?" she said.
"No thanks!" I repeated louder.
Hellena was a chef on food network. Every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday she goes and makes baked Alaska or other sweets. Its not like I have anything against Hellena. She is very kind and a great cook, but shes really just a maid in this house. My father married her because he thought we should have a mother figure in out lives, after my mother died. I don't even think her and my father have a romantic relationship. They didn't even kiss in there wedding.

I heard the door of my fathers office slam shut. A clean-cut man came out, grumbling under his breath.
He had strikingly charming, European features. His dark black hair sat over his eyes. Nearly covering his mysterious teal, blue eyes. His muscles nearly bulged out of his black polo shirt. For a moment, I imagined his strong arms around my waist (it annoys me when the put their arm around your shoulder as if you were a dog they owned), and his perfect lips, tenderly kissing my cheek.

When he walked towards the door, he turned around and looked at me.
I felt my insides turn upside-down. His gaze took my breath away. I felt as if all my internal organs where failing. Like I was going to die. But I was happy. I gasped loudly. He grabbed the handle of the door and chuckled as he walked out of our mansion. Perfect Hallmark moment.

After he left, I stood there like an idiot. I heard Becca's voice in my head.
"What are you doing? Get out there and flirt till you drop! He is hot hot hot! Close your mouth and try not to drool!" Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little.
I mindlessly walked over to my fathers office.
"Daddy..." I said, poking my head through to door.
He had his glasses on viciously scribbling on a piece of paper. He looked up and smiled.
"Hello, angel. What are you up to?" he smiled. I stepped into his office. Hellena changed the furniture around, from the way my real mother arranged it, but Mom's soft orange chair still sits in the corner, next to the bookshelf. A few of her favorite books lay in a pile on the table beside it. I remember the mornings me and my brothers would wake up and find Dad working at his desk and Mom reading in that chair. It still smells like her wonderful Lavender perfume.
"I was wondering who is that man? The one that just left"

My father is Martin Fox. Daddy is a famous Hollywood director, so the house is usually full of
actors, producers, or crazy writers.
He looked up from behind his glasses. "His name is Derek James." Dad mumbled. I continued.
"Who is Derek? Why was he here? Is he single?" I giggled.
His forehead wrinkled. He took of his glasses.
"Amber, Derek James is a horrible crook! He is a liar and a thief! I never want you to associate with him!"
"Um, okay Dad. Sure." I nodded. "I'm going to breakfast with Becca right now, see you later." I said grabbing my
purse and rushing out the door. These italian men...

Los Angeles was alive with laughter. I saw children holding their mothers hands, while crossing the streets.
And a crazy cop chase. At fifteen minutes to two, I entered The Grove in my red Ferrari. I took a ticket and
parked my car on the fourth floor.
I walked down to the Italian restaurant, Maggiano's. I noticed Becca's vibrant red hair in the dim light.
She was sitting at a bar with a bowl of calamari in front of her. She was turned around, looking at a man, who was sitting with another woman. She waved her hand, (witch looked more like a twitch then anything)and he winked back.

In a second, the woman at his table looked behind her, noticing Becca.
"Ugh!" she shouted. She smacked his shoulder with her purse and walked out of the restaurant yelling.
"Really?" I smiled, taking a seat at the stool, to her right. She grinned back. "OMG! Its been so long!" she leaned over to hug me. "I had dinner with you last week!" I laughed. She let go of me. I was really busy this week, I had an important premiere to go to, I had to look for a new apartment and I had to plan my older brothers funeral. She could understand.
The bartender placed a white rag over his shoulder.
"Diet Coke." Becca smiled at him, tilted her head and fluttered her eyelashes.
Becca's flirting looked pathetic to me. But I guess not to the guys.
Rebbecca Clanewood was a fashion designer. She lived the Hollywood life. But didn't drink.
"I'll have a long island." I said. He nodded and left. I plopped a calamari in my mouth.
"Love those wedges." Becca said, pointing to my heels.
"Thanks, there from your store." I said.
"I know." she laughed in satisfaction. Becca never shopped in her store. But whenever was went to another store
she was always criticizing their clothes or the lay-out of the furniture and the paint on the walls.

The man came back with our drinks.
"We'll share a Caesar salad." she announced, dipping calamari in cocktail sauce. "Yum."
"We have to go shopping for tonight." she announced.
"Why? What are we doing?" I asked.
"Oh, my god! Your party! duh!" she said, with a shocked look on her face.
"Oh yeah." I smiled sheepishly. I was always forgetting these kinds of things.
"But we have so many dresses at home!" I said.
Becca raised her eyebrow. She had already won this one.

The bartender gave us the plate of salad.
We immediately started eating.
"So I was watching Regis and Kelly this morning. Oh, and Kelly's dress was sooooo cute.." she continued.
"Uh, Earth to Becca!" I waved my arms wildly in front of her face. She snapped out of it and gabbed my hands and pinned my arms on my hips.
"Amber..." she said rolling her eyes. "What have I taught you about being in public areas." We laughed together.
"Amber, if you acted more lady-like and learned how to control your balance outside a ball room you would have a boyfriend." Becca told me. For some reason with my bad case of clumzititis or what ever it is, I always have to be
super careful with my footwork. But whenever I dance I can actually not miss-step and not fall. I sighed.
"What where you previously saying?" I asked.
"Oh yeah," her face turned very serious. "They where talking about Ryan's death."
I dropped my fork and leaned closer to her. Oh no. Oh, god no. Why did this have to happen?
"What did they say?" I said, barely above a whisper.
"They said that he was in a car accident." she muttered.
I sighed in relief. In truth, my older brother, Ryan, was murdered. He was walking across the street,
to our neighbors house.
When a car ran him over. I watched as the drivers took his limp body and dragged him into the car.
Three days later, his dead body was laying on the porch. My father knows why he was murdered. But for some reason he won't tell me and my younger bother, Aaron, why he was murdered.

"Are you okay?" Becca asked.
"Yeah." my voice cracked.
"Maybe you shouldn't have planned the funeral."
"No," I said. "I'm fine."
When we finished eating in silence, I told her that I wanted to go home, she let me go this time.
On the way home, I stopped at a small bookstore.
I grabbed the first book of the Dan Brown series, Angels & Demons.
I snuggled up in a cushy chair.

In ten minutes, I heard a sweet voice.
"Will you sign my book?" I looked up from my book. I saw a little blond girl.
She held up her newly purchased book and a pen.
"Of course, sweetie." I signed her book. She looked behind her, a woman gave her the thumbs up.
"Thank you, ma'am." she hugged me and ran back to the woman, beeming.
"Mommy, mommy! She signed it!" she said to the woman.


So that's the end of Chapter 1! Sorry if it was to long!I know that in the beginning it was all action-y and the rest was really girly but I hope you enjoyed it anyways.
Oh, and I'm also sorry that the ending was kinda weird! XD
Last edited by lovethelifeulive on Sat Feb 05, 2011 3:16 am, edited 17 times in total.
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
The Merchants of Venice-Shakespear
Love the life u live,
and live the life u love




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 22451
Reviews 498
Hello there. :)

I heard my pumping heart, trying to keep me alive, my harsh breathing and his evil voice. I heard a low growl escape my throat.
Skip lines.
"James! I can only stop the pain if you give in!" he yelled. I slowly looked up, I saw his disgusting face. I spat on his face, and he burrowed his eyebrows in anger.


I wrote that you had to change lines when someone's talking since it a new idea. I only did it once, but since it's short, I figured that you could do it by yourself. :) This is pretty short. Normally, the first chapter has a little more information about your characters and their life before the plot begins. I don't know if this is just the first part of your first chapter... I hope so. I love the prologue... The first one. The second thing you wrote would probably be the synopsis?
Oh, and another thing is that you probably should make a cover for this, and write the synopsis.

Keep writing!

-Other One :)
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1446
Reviews 38
I found it really choppy, and i feel like you need to be clearer, like one minute Amber was talking and the next it was Becca and then for a moment I thought she was flirting with her dad. I just got confused! Lol But it looks like you have a good story, i dont really know what its about but it's interesting so keep writing.
Write with your heart first
then with your head




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4206
Reviews 362
Alright, so, I can't read this. I have sight troubles, and I had to zoom and squint to read.
What I could pick up, though, this was super choppy. FIll in the blacks with description and emotion. Try to get in depth ith your mc. I'll help with the emotion and description.
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 2
You might want to go over it with a fine tooth comb to check for spelling mistaskes.
And i love how you decided to spell Hellena, with two l's. (;




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1112
Reviews 45
I love thids! Keep writing its aweasome!
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead :o <3




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1274
Reviews 29
Chapter one is the start of a great story. it has a good plot, that has a good idea.

One nitpick though...

watch your grammar and spelling. I noticed a lot of mistakes...

but I'm to lazy to correct them!

So keep up the good work, and I''ll go review your other chapters just to make you happy!

CassidyRose
I have no idea what to put so I am writing random things. There. That should be enough.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9100
Reviews 319
I'm finally here deary. :)


COLOR CODE:
NITPICKS|ADDED|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION

Nitpick #1
FORMATTING


Bold and italics

Who calls at 7 in the morning? I thought. Being an early-bird seemed to always be on my side.


That should be instead italicized. :) Bold is kind of -- I don't know. We just don't use it much. :p In manuscript submission, italics usually should be underlined. I have theory about it though: Maybe it's because bold uses too much ink. :P awful theory, eh? :D

Enters

"Hey, soul sister. Ain't that mister, mister on the radio, stereo..." my cell phone rang, interrupting my thoughts.
Who calls at 7 in the morning? I thought. Being an early-bird seemed to always be on my side.

I walked back into my toasty-warm bedroom. On my bedside table, my cell was vibrating wildly. I clicked the touch screen.
"Hello, Amber speaking" I said, cheerfully.

"Well, duh!"(?) I could recognize that high pitched voice from a mile away.

"So do you wanna hang out today?" my best friend asked. Even though I knew it wasn't a question.
She would drag me out, even if I said that I was being attached by aliens.

"Sure, Becca." I grinned.

"Great! Meet you at two!" and she hung up. She loved talking on the phone for hours about her problems. But wouldn't even have small talk with me if I wanted to talk.


I put on jeans, a white shirt, and an orange scarf. I stumbled downstairs. In stories, they make the clumsy girl sound so cute. But really, clumsiness isn't adorable. It should be named a serious medical disease or something. <funny! :D>

As I reached the bottom of the enormous staircase, I heard my step-mother say. "Amber, darling! Good morning, would you like something to eat?"

"No thanks, Hellena." I muttered.

"Huh?" she said.

"No thanks!" I repeated louder.

Hellena was a chef on food network. Every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday she goes and makes baked Alaska or other sweets. Its not like I have anything against Hellena. She is very kind and a great cook, but shes really just a maid in this house. My father married her because he thought we should have a mother figure in out lives, after my mother died. I don't even think her and my father have a romantic relationship. They didn't even kiss in there wedding.


I heard the door of my fathers office slam shut. A clean-cut man came out, grumbling under his breath.
He had strikingly charming, European features. His dark black hair sat over his eyes. Nearly covering his mysterious teal, blue eyes. His muscles nearly bulged out of his black polo shirt. For a moment, I imagined his strong arms around my waist (it annoys me when the put their arm around your shoulder as if you were a dog they owned), and his perfect lips, tenderly kissing my cheek.

When he walked towards the door, he turned around and looked at me. I felt my insides turn upside-down. His gaze took my breath away. I felt as if all my internal organs where failing, like I was going to die. But I was happy. I gasped loudly. He grabbed the handle of the door and chuckled as he walked out of our mansion. Perfect Hallmark moment.


I stood there like an idiot. I heard Becca's voice in my head.
"What are you doing? Get out there and flirt till you drop! He is hot hot hot! Close your mouth and try not to drool!" Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little.

I mindlessly walked over to my fathers office. "Daddy..." I said, poking my head through to door.

He had his glasses on viciously scribbling on a piece of paper. He looked up and smiled. "Hello, angel. What are you up to?" he smiled.

I stepped into his office. Hellena changed the furniture around, from the way my real mother arranged it, but Mom's soft orange chair still sits in the corner, next to the bookshelf. A few of her favorite books lay in a pile on the table beside it. I remember the mornings me and my brothers would wake up and find Dad working at his desk and Mom reading in that chair. It still smells like her wonderful Lavender perfume.

"I was wondering who that man was?"


Nitpick #2
SENTENCES AND CLAUSES


I walked out into the balcony. Where the cool, fall wind whipped my hair, tickling my face.


That was a clause, girl. It should be attached to the sentence, separated by a comma -- as is:

I walked out into the balcony, where the cool, fall wind whipped my hair, tickling my face.


My father married her because he thought we should have a mother figure in our lives, <no comma>after my mother died.


Nitpick #3
MISSING PREPOSITIONS


My body was still inits sleepy state.


Nitpick #4
VERBS


Infinitives

Usually I try to sent a good message, but the one time I exploded my emotions in front of my peers and the cameras...


Tense

I was confident, but with all the drama of being an actress and paparazzi, I break under the pressure if you push me to my limit. Usually I try to sent a good message, but the one time I exploded my emotions in front of my peers and the cameras...


Hellena was a chef on food network. Every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday she went and made baked Alaska or other sweets.


It wasn't not like I have anything against Hellena.


She was very kind and a great cook, but she had been really just a maid in this house.


OK, why had been? -- because it had been in the past. The woman had been just a maid in the house.

Nitpick #5
MISSING APOSTROPHES


well, let's just say that my angry face was in a lot of magazines.


Let's is a contraction for let us, so yeah: There was a missing apostrophe there.

It's not like I have anything against Hellena.


I heard the door of my father's office slam shut.


possessive case, girl. :|

Nitpick #6
DIALOGUE TAGS


As I reached the bottom of the enormous staircase, I heard my step-mother say. "Amber, darling! Good morning, would you like something to eat?"


When you're attaching a dialogue to a tag, you put comma instead of period:

"No thanks, Hellena," I muttered.


Nitpick #7
PRONOUNS


I don't even think her and my father have a romantic relationship.


This should be in nominative: she.

Nitpick #8
SOME OTHER


(it annoys me when one puts his arm around your shoulder as if you were a dog they owned)


(which looked more like a twitch then anything)


"Thanks, they're from your store."


OVERALL

Um... yeah... the ending was a bit weird. And I can't really see where this is going. It's like, she's star, surrounded by stars; she has a crush on her dad? -- and her best friend is totally... yeah. How old is she? And why is she still living with her parents? If she's a teen, her life and her bestie's life don't seem -- probable. I think the events were a bit exaggerated at times. Like when the father had yelled about a person, who he had pointed out as a thief, and that person's, like, three to four feet away. Umm...

Your style -- the transitions were a bit, well, ok, you lack transitions. And by that, I mean, you have to flow the prose. Not just cut in a dialogue to tell people who the MC's father was. Instead, you have to have something to let your MC remember that, and flow to the description thingy.

I'm so sorry, dear; Jashie's being a bit harsh, but you still have to learn a lot. There were a lot of mistakes. I can't point out each mistake above, but if you carefully pay attention to these mistakes, you'll improve a lot. So read carefully and browse back; promise me you'll give out your best to learn, okay? Good. *huggles* If you have any questions, drop by my wall. :)

~ Jash ♥
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


My SPOTIFY page
Facebook
Got a life?



Most things happen for a reason. Though, usually, the forces that be are immature enough that the reason is comedy.
— WeepingWisteria