Real Music

- is in a garage,
growing, evolving,
from a hastily mustered
orgy of instinct and sound.

- is the tugging, plucking,
of your "soul" strings.
And the volume raised!
Just enough to not distort.

- is an improvised solo
that makes you want to strip,
rip, tear, your clothes off,
dance in public - jive.

- is playing in the streets,
bursting from the cracked
windows - ready to introduce
itself, to strangers.

- is alive.

Hey, Inky! Let’s get crackin’.

Okay, so your biggest gimmick in this entire piece is the implied anaphora of “Real Music is…” and that’s fine. The only deal about this gimmick is that it makes the flow a tad sacrificial. But that can be fine, too, because you bring it all around in the final line/stanza, and that’s wonderful (I’ll get to that).

So. Stanza one.

The period at the end of line one sacrifices your grammar in making the second sentence a fragment. Making the entire stanza one sentence won’t hurt you in the least, so give it a try; of course, you don’t have to, since it’s just a nit-pick. While “orgy of instinct and sound” is a phenomenal turn of a phrase, it makes me wonder if this should be rated 12+ (that’s a hint to rate this 12+). Certainly, it’s just a word, but the implications behind it that make this image work provoke the deserving of a rating. By any means, leave this phrase as it is—I love it.

Stanza two is beautiful as well, but not quite memorable. It’s nice and quaint, but it just comes and leaves as if I didn’t read anything. Try to make it significant somehow. It deserves it.

In stanza three, I’m unsure how much I love your “devour souls” phrase. It’s nice, but it doesn’t seem to fit the remainder of the poem. See, it verges on pretentious, whereas the rest is so raw, so beautifully basic. It doesn’t fit your style, I suppose. And your style is beautiful. Consider changing that.

And then you have your final line that wraps it all up in a nice package.

Try giving me more—that’s my biggest request. I like what’s here, but it just…doesn’t seem complete. It’s like how a pastor will devote a sermon to ‘three points and a poem’ or some form of basic framework of a ‘good little poem that follows the rules’. Try making this more significant. I know you can.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

-Lumi

Your review bears the sign of a marvelous critique! (I agree with you. :p)

I'm gonna make this poem read like sweet sex, just for you. Rating coming up.

Goodness, I know there are many people who would agree and disagree to all or parts of this poem, I liked it though. In my opinion, real music can also so be raw emotion.. but then so can a poem.. anyways, good job

I agree, although real music can be many different things. Keep writing!