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UNDER CONSTRUCTION. (You can still leave a comment if you want to.)

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I'll tell you about a place that I have known
Where the wind blows all night.
Where you hear the moaning, high and low,
Where there's no such thing as light

I always sit at the same spot
Where was once a bleeding tree.
When I go there, I think a lot;
And see what it does to me:

I laugh, then cry, then scream, then shout
Yet they still don't believe the lie.
If you don't know what I am talking about,
Then take a look at the sky:

Whether its color is black or white
Is unknown; Because it's blocked
By a "large/huge/none" cloud that wants to imprison me in the night
A room that is forever locked.
"Stop," I cry."Go away!
Please don't rain in here!"
The cloud laughs, a sound so gay,
He asks," Why are you living in fear?"

I feel astonished; Wasn't it he
Who made it rain? And so,
He sighs and says," You made me,
If you don't fight, you'll never know."

Never again will I tell lies,
I know I can't go on with feigning.
I shake my head, I wipe my eyes,
Then suddenly, it stopped raining.
----

This poem makes sense to me, so if anything is unclear...
Anyway, it's partly inspired by what's happening in Egypt, and also by things that are happening to me in my life.
Tell me what you think of it, and what needs improving.
Oh, and in this line:

By a "large/huge/other/none" cloud that wants to imprison me in the night

help me decide which of these words fit the best.

Thanks a lot!
Alpha

*sigh*. Still no comments.

Alpha wrote:I'll tell you about a place that I have known Nice start. Don't think you need the "that."
Where the wind blows all night.
Where you hear the moaning, high and low, "High and low" is heavily cliched.
Where there's no such thing as light. Not sure I really like this line.

I always sit at the same spot
Where was once a bleeding tree.
When I go there, I think a lot; "Think a lot" could be reworded in a more original way.
And see what it does to me:

I laugh, then cry, then scream, then shout Think of another word for "shout." How about "whisper" or "murmur?"
Yet they still don't believe the lie.
If you don't know what I am talking about, Don't use two "don't"'s so close to each other.
Then take a look at the sky:

Whether its color is black or white
Is unknown; because it's blocked
By a "large/huge/none" cloud that wants to imprison me in the night Think of another word for "wants."
A room that is forever locked.
"Stop," I cry. "Go away!
Please don't rain in here!" Beautiful three lines.
The cloud laughs, a sound so gay, This latter part of the line could be replaced by a single adverb.
He asks, "Why are you living in fear?"

I feel astonished; wasn't it he
Who made it rain? And so,
He sighs and says, "You made me, Kind of cliched.
If you don't fight, you'll never know."

Never again will I tell lies,
I know I can't go on with feigning.
I shake my head, I wipe my eyes,
Then suddenly, it stopped raining.

Nice! I like this poem. It's full of both imagery and emotion. It makes one think after reading it.

-Kafka

Ello,

I found this awesome! And, I agree with Kafka, it does indeed make you think after reading it.

In the line:

By a "large/huge/none" cloud that wants to imprison me in the night

I think that "large" would fit best.

As for a title I think one word would work and that that word would be (Drum roll please haha) "Unknown." Ooh, or maybe two words and call it "The Unknown." Because not only do you use the word inthe poem, the poem itself speaks of lies. And with a lie you never know what you are going to get. No one does. Not the lier, or the person being lied to... Just an idea.. In anycase I enjoyed reading this and thanks for sharing it!

Great job!