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To Hope (BondGirl007)
:
Spoiler
You don't have to review this

Spoiler
I'd like it if you would review this though. I mean you're already here.

Spoiler
Why are you reading this?



He's dead,
gone.
an eager little boy playing dress-up in Daddy's clothes
innocent, naive or maybe just unwilling to accept the world.

She's shaking now,
the most nauseuting, unbearable pain,
a scream of
PleaseGodnoanythingbuthtatpleasepleasepleasemakeitnottrue
caught in her throat

He had set his shoulders
and defeaned his ears
to her pleades and protests;
determined to prove his strength.

She can't even cry.
Her tears lost
in the same void where lost dreams go to die-
where he went to die

Life went on
but she died with him
a facade of bright smiles and a too loud laugh
fools everyone into thinking she's not empty

And she wakes up on time,
and goes to work
and showers then sleeps,
like any normal living person

But he's dead,
gone
and nothing she does will bring him back.


Spoiler
I dunno how I feel about this. I wrote it about ten minutes ago, had some pasta and decided to post it on YWS. Ehh, I don't think I like it much
Last edited by Jas on Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:58 pm, edited 3 times in total.
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




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Reviews 319
1. Yes, I know I don't have to.

2. Really? So you'd like me? :D

3. I have no idea. I saw you at my feed? LOL I should stop following you. HAHA...kidding.

Dear Jas, I'm Jash, and I'm not so sure if I've given you a review before. I'm obliged though to review at least once those who are following me. Here it goes:

4. Nah. You'll like it when you get to edit it.

LOL where's my review? HAHa...I couldn't understand it. O_o Sarreh. I feel like you should edit this a bit more before it's ready for review. Its tone was informal, yet its theme seems serious. So, I really don't know what to say. And it's untitled -- for now. Sarreh for the worthless review. HAHA... I'm weird.

~ A. Jash ♥
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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User avatar
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Points 7539
Reviews 374
To Jas:
Spoiler
I don't want to review this.


Spoiler
But I would really like it if I didn't have to review this. I'm already tired of you.


Spoiler



He set his shoulders
and defeaned his ears
to her cries, pleades and protests;
determined to prove his strength.
Who are you talking about here? Her father? Or the dead brother? I don't even know if it IS her brother this is about, I assume that it is though.

She can't even cry.
Her tears lost
in the same void where lost dreams go to die-
where he went to die
In the last stanza you said he ignored her cries? CONFUSION.

But overall I really couldn't feel the emotion in it, which is sad because this poem is all about emotion. It's just that I feel like I've read these descriptions over and over again. The inability to cry, the feeling of wanting to scream, it's just all overdone. Try telling it in a more original way, use metaphors, deeper description and symbolism.

Good luck.

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 805
Reviews 336
Thanks Jash and Hope!
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~



cron
History repeats itself. First as tragedy, second as farce.
— Karl Marx