Harmony

Hello everyone! I'm a newbie here and this is my first post. I am looking for honest opinions on the story I am writing but more about how it is written. I can't find anyone to read my story because they have the attention span of gnats. This small section won't give away too much about the plot it's a small action sequence that just about introduces my main character. So please read it and let me know what you think. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. I'm happy to have joined the writers society.

It was a busy day in the lower quarter as it was the day of the market that was held weekly. Traders would come from all over the region to trade with the people of Bridgestone. Due to the large population it was an obvious choice to pedal wears. There would be traders of; cattle, jewels, antiques, fabrics and even rarer items. With the lower quarter teeming with people it was the perfect place for an opportunist to strike. Every so often there would be an upper quarter citizen strolling around, perhaps out of morbid curiosity or in the hope of finding a gem amongst the rubbish for a cheap price.
There was a sudden break in the bustling crowd and people were being knocked from side to side. There were low grumbles from the assaulted people as they scoffed at the source of their attack. There was a dainty figure running through the people. Covered with a green earthy coloured cloak and moving extremely quickly. Just as the groups of people stood back together they were knocked aside again. This time by guards flailing their arms in the air and viciously shoving people aside. People were being flung through stalls and knocked over one another by the guards. In a way they were causing more of a disruption then the escaping figure.
“Out of the way” Exclaimed the leader who was dressed in a red waist coat with the castle emblem stitched to left hand breast of the coat. He was obviously a royal guard and in pursuit of the cloaked heathen. He had two other guards following him in less fancy attire but still of obvious stature with the same emblem pressed upon their navy blue jackets.
“Thief” Yelled a rather portly man who was obviously, with his brown apron and chef hat, the local pastry maker. He waddled along the muddy streets trying to keep up with the guard. He had to rest. He placed his hand on the wall of peasant house and lent over clutching his pudgy chest. He was far too out of breath to follow the pursuit.
In the mean time the thief was gaining distance carrying in their hand a newly cooked loaf of bread and in the other hand a pouch of money which was sliced from the belt of the baker. It was heavy with gold and silver from the baker’s proceeds which made it a worthy endeavour. The thief split off the main street by skidding into an ally to try and loose the pursuers. There was a young child down this ally in scruffy clothes and no sign of her parents around. She had fiery red hair and bright blue eyes. Her age would be about 6 years. She was small and her eyes sunken as if she hadn’t eaten for a week. The thief knew the child and so stopped dead in front of her. The hood was covering most of the strangers face besides a satisfied smirk. However the child seemed to recognise the clothing.
“Don’t speak” said the thief in a calm voice. “Just take this and hide an’ I’ll see you later” the mysterious person took 5 pieces of gold from the pouch and handed it to the child and also handed over the loaf of bread. The child sensing the urgency scuttled away through a small gap behind a house. Clambering around the corner came the guards. The thief turned around and looked at them, all they could see were the emerald eyes of this stranger glaring back at them. With the cloak covering the body shape and all other features the guards just had to hope they caught this thief.
“Stop” Yelled the lead guard pulling a pistol out a holster on the right side of his hip. He took aim. The man was broad and not built for running, however he did seem strong. He had short hair and not even a hint of a beard. He seemed young, too young for the military position he was in, but was confident as he stood with the gun aimed squarely at the thief.
“Time for me to go” Sighed the thief ducking down slightly and taking off again. The cloak was flailing in the wind which made it hard to aim at any particular body part.
“Oh no you don’t” said the guard and he fired out of sheer desperation as his stamina was wavering. The shot penetrated a crate near the thief; it appears the guards aim was off due to fatigue. He grabbed at his forehead as if he had a migraine and let out a low growl. He saw the cloak flail behind it’s wearer around a corner and out of sight. “No matter” he scoffed to himself “The others are in pursuit, you will not escape” he laughed in full confidence an almost sinister smirk appearing upon his face. He turned upon his heel and strode back into the bustling market.
In the back alleys of Bridgestone it was dark as the sun never crept along the rear of the houses. There were no windows just large wooden walls. The mysterious character knew this maze like the back of their hand and was looking to find a way home. The money bag was dropped into a pouch in the cloak so both hands were free. The thief was clutching a rather unique pendant. It was clearly made from silver although it had dulled with age. There was a clear jewel hanging from the chain in the shape of a rain drop. The clasp that was holding it to the chain had a mark shaped like a feather embedded into the clasp. It seemed to comfort the stranger somehow. To make sure that the thief wasn’t to be heard the steps were light and quiet. However there were guards stalking all the alley ways and it was only a matter of time before they found the thief.
The thief saw a figure, at the end of the dark alley, it was a guard. The thief turned quickly to see that there were also guards behind. The thief thought it best to try and run past the loan guard. So building up speed the thief lowered their head and tried to run straight past. It was no good, the guard grabbed the end of the cloak the person was wearing and yanked them to the ground.
“End of the line” he smirked whilst holding the tip of the cape and standing over the miscreant like a predator upon its prey. “Now give up and we might go easy on you, however make it difficult and I might have to use this secluded spot to my advantage”
“Pervert” is all that was said in a rather childish and petulant voice. The hood had fallen down with the force of the pull from the guard. It revealed a young girl with long ebony hair and a soft complexion. Her emerald eyes were burning with frustration at the fact this incompetent guard had caught her. The cloak had fallen open revealing her large black hunters boots with black rough trousers tucked into them. The trousers were frayed and worn. She had a delicate frame but a womanly figure perhaps between the age of 18 and 22. She wore a blood red bodice which was practical for movement but perhaps a little revealing. She was curved at the waist and breast and had a firm body. The guard was quite taken back by this discovery.
“You...... you’re a girl?” He said his dopey eyes wandering and his face blushing.
She folded her arms and scoffed “yeah I am and what of it?”
Two guards were rushing over to aid the dopey guard who was still clutching the cloak and made no attempt to bind the girl.
“Well this has been fun” she joked “Hope you got an eye full there” She said as she reached for her right boot. From it she pulled a small dagger with serrated teeth.
“She has a weapon” Yelled the approaching guard getting ready to draw his sword.
The Girl rolled her eyes and raised the dagger towards her neck. The guard grasping the cloak gasped as he thought about what she might do. She sliced the string that tied the cloak around her neck and rolled to the left. Placing her left hand upon the cold dirt she was able to right herself. She stood firmly with her right fist clenched, and before her capture could think, she released an almighty hook upon the cheek of the guard. He fell back still with the cloak in hand. She knew she would have to abandon the cloak with her earnings in and that trying to pull it away would only waste time. Plus if they had the money there would be no need to pursue her straight away. She darted past the guard who was still on the floor and headed down the nearest exit. She shook her hand as she ran “damn that hurt” she thought to herself. The other guards stopped to help their colleague who was searching the cloak at this time for any evidence.
“At least she never got away with the money” he said proudly holding the bag in the air.
The other two guards laughed at this “Don’t be too proud you still got knocked over by a girl” one guard proclaimed.
“She was stronger then she looked” Defended the attacked guard with a hint of embarrassment creeping across his face. His face blushed as he remembered her womanly figure. “Also she was distracting” He proclaimed as he raised his eyebrows. The other guards just laughed.
“At least we got a look at her so we may be able to find her or at least post wanted posters about the city” The guard pointed out to try and justify their suspect escaping.
“Not to mention we have the baker’s money” Smirked the first guard holding the bag of gold up in triumph. “He will be pleased to have it back and we may be forgiven for the loss of the criminal”

Hey! First off, welcome to YWS! Hope you'll like it here
I'm Truth and I shall be your reviewer today --If you haven't yet noticed, I love smileys-- I'll be as honest as I can be, so sorry in advance if I'm being too harsh. All of my comments are only suggestions, of course you are always, as the writer, the Master! And, my criticism is always constructive, I concentrate on helping you improve your story and your style of writing for your benefit and that of the readers.
Now, shall we begin?

The suggested corrections will be in red, my comments in bold

TalesOfHailz wrote:Hello everyone! I'm a newbie here and this is my first post. I am looking for honest opinions on the story I am writing but more about how it is written. I can't find anyone to read my story because they have the attention span of gnats. This small section won't give away too much about the plot it's a small action sequence that just about introduces my main character. So please read it and let me know what you think. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. I'm happy to have joined the writers society.
I see you've already seperated some of your paragraphs, but I've added space so it's double spaced and it's easier for us to read
It was a busy day in the lower quarter as it was the day of The MarketThis sounds like a name... is it?, comma which was held weekly. Traders would come from all over the region to trade with the people of Bridgestone. Due to the large population, comma it was an obvious choice to pedal wears. There would be traders of; cattle, jewels, antiques, fabrics and even rarer items. With the lower quarter teeming with people, comma it was the perfect place for an opportunist to strike. Every so often, comma there would be an upper quarter citizen strolling around, perhaps out of morbid curiosity or in the hope of finding a gem amongst the rubbish, comma for a cheap price.
¶
There was a sudden break in the bustling crowd and people were being knocked from side to side. There were low grumbles from the assaulted people as they scoffed at the source of their attack. There was a dainty figure running through the people. Covered with a green earthy coloured cloak and moving extremely quickly. I would want to draw attention to this repetition in here... First, you wrote that he was running, then add that he was moving extremely quickly... those could be combined so you don't seem to repeat yourself so much. Then, there's a bit of repetition with the 'there' 'there' 'there' here... I would suggest you either combine these sentences in something like 'A sudden break in the bustling crowd sent people knocking over one another. Low grumbles emanated from the assaulted people as they scoffed at the source of their attack, a dainty figure, running through the crowd and covered with a green earthy coloured cloak.' Just as the groups of people stood back together, comma they were knocked aside again, comma but this time, comma by guards flailing their arms in the air and viciously shoving people aside. People were being flung through stalls and knocked over one another by the guards. In a way, comma the guards were causing more of a disruption then the escaping figure.
¶
“Out of the way, comma” exclaimed the leader, comma who was dressed in a red waist coat with the castle emblem stitched to the left hand breast of the coat. He was obviously a royal guard, comma and in pursuit of the cloaked heathen. He had two other guards following him in less fancy attire but still of obvious stature with the same emblem pressed upon their navy blue jackets.
¶
“Thief!” Yelled a rather portly man, comma who was obviously, with his brown apron and chef hat, the local pastry maker. He waddled along the muddy streets, comma trying to keep up with the guards, comma but he soon had to rest, comma resting his hand on the wall of a peasant house and bending over, comma clutching his pudgy chest. He was far too out of breath to follow the pursuit.
¶
In the mean time, comma the thief was gaining distance, comma carrying in his hand a newly cooked loaf of bread and in the other hand, comma a pouch of money, comma which was sliced from the belt of the baker. It was heavy with gold and silver from the baker’s proceeds, comma which made it a worthy endeavour. The thief split off the main street by skidding into an ally to try and loose the pursuers. Only, there was a young child down this ally, comma standing in scruffy clothes and no sign of her parents around. She had fiery red hair and bright blue eyes. Her age would be about 6 years. She was small and her eyes sunken as if she hadn’t eaten for a week. The thief knew the child and so stopped dead in front of her. The hood was covering most of the strangers face besides a satisfied smirk. However the child seemed to recognise the clothing.
¶
“Don’t speak, comma” said the thief in a calm voice, comma “Just take this and hide an’ I’ll see you later.”
¶
the mysterious person took 5 pieces of gold from the pouch and handed it to the child and also handed over with the loaf of bread. The child, comma sensing the urgency scuttled away through a small gap behind a house. Clambering around the corner, comma came the guards. The thief turned around and looked at them, all they could see were the emerald eyes of this stranger, comma glaring back at them. With the cloak covering the body shape and all other features the guards just had to hope they had caught this thief.
¶
“Stop, comma” telled the lead guard, comma pulling a pistol out a holster on the right side of his hip. He took aim. Hm, wait... A gun in the time there were castles and swords?? The man was broad and not built for running, however he did seem strong. He had short hair and not even a hint of a beard. He seemed young, too young for the military position he was in, but was confident as he stood with the gun aimed squarely at the thief.
“Time for me to go, comma” sighed the thief, comma ducking down slightly and taking off again. The cloak was flailing in the wind, comma which made it hard to aim at any particular body part.
¶
“Oh no you don’t, comma” said the guard, comma and he fired out of sheer desperation as his stamina was wavering. The shot penetrated a crate near the thief; it appeared the guard's aim was off, comma due to fatigue. Be sure to keep in past tense at all times He grabbed at his forehead, comma as if he had a migraine and let out a low growl. He saw the cloak flail behind its wearer, comma around a corner and out of sight.
¶
“No matter, comma” he scoffed to himself, comma “The others are in pursuit, you will not escape.” He laughed in full confidence, comma an almost sinister smirk appearing upon his face. He turned upon his heels and strode back into the bustling market.
¶
In the back alleys of Bridgestone, comma it was dark as the sun never crept along the rear of the houses. There were no windows, comma just large wooden walls. The mysterious character knew this maze like the back of their hand, comma and was looking to find a way home. The money bag was dropped into a pouch in the cloak to free both hands, and the thief was clutching a rather unique pendant. It was clearly made from silver, comma although the gleem had dulled with age. There was a clear jewel, comma hanging from the chain, comma in the shape of a rain drop. The clasp that was holding it to the chain had a mark shaped like a feather, comma embedded into the clasp. It seemed to comfort the stranger somehow. To make sure that the thief wasn’t to be heard, comma his steps were light and quiet. However there were guards stalking all the alleyways and it was only a matter of time before they found the thief.
The thief saw a figure, at the end of the dark alley, it was a guard. The thief turned quickly, comma to see that there were also guards behind. The thief thought it best to try and run past the loan guard. So building up speed, comme the thief lowered their head and tried to run straight past. It was no good, the guard grabbed the end of the cloak the person was wearing and yanked them to the ground. Alright, here, you use a lot 'their' the 'person's' and 'the theif'... it makes it quite repetitive but you could use 'he', since thief is a masculine word
¶
“End of the line, comma” he smirked, comma whilst holding the tip of the cape and standing over the miscreant like a predator upon its prey. “Now give up and we might go easy on you, however make it difficult and I might have to use this secluded spot to my advantage”
¶
“Pervert, comma” is all that was said, comma in a rather childish and petulant voice. The hood had fallen down with the force of the pull from the guard to reveal a young girl with long ebony hair and a soft complexion. Her emerald eyes were burning with frustration at the fact that this incompetent guard had caught her. The cloak had fallen open, comma revealing her large black hunters boots with black rough trousers tucked into them. The trousers were frayed and worn. She had a delicate frame but a womanly figure, comma perhaps between the age of 18 and 22. She wore a blood red bodice which was practical for movement but perhaps a little revealing. She was curved at the waist and breast and had a firm body. The guard was quite taken back by this discovery.
¶
“You...... you’re a girl?” He said, comma his dopey eyes wandering and his face blushing.
¶
She folded her arms and scoffed, comma “yeah I am. And what of it?”
¶
Two guards were rushing over to aid the dopey guard who was still clutching the cloak and made no attempt to bind the girl.
¶
“Well this has been fun, comma” she joked, comma “Hope you got an eye full there” She said as she reached for her right boot. From it, comma she pulled a small dagger with serrated teeth.
¶
“She has a weapon!” Yelled the approaching guard, comma getting ready to draw his sword.
¶
The Girl rolled her eyes and raised the dagger towards her neck. The guard grasping the cloak gasped, comma as he thought about what she might do. She sliced the string that tied the cloak around her neck and rolled to the left. Placing her left hand upon the cold dirt, comma she was able to right herself. She stood firmly with her right fist clenched, and before her capturers could think, she released an almighty hook upon the cheek of the guard. He fell back, comma still with the cloak in hand. She knew she would have to abandon the cloak with her earnings in and that trying to pull it away would only waste time. Plus, comma if they had the money there would be no need to pursue her straight away. She darted past the guard who was still on the floor, comma and headed down the nearest exit. She shook her hand as she ran “damn that hurt, comma” she thought to herself. The other guards stopped to help their colleague, comma who was searching the cloak at this time for any evidence.
¶
“At least she never got away with the money, comma” he said, comma proudly holding the bag in the air.
¶
The other two guards laughed at this.
¶
“Don’t be too proud you still got knocked over by a girl, comma” one guard proclaimed.
¶
“She was stronger then she looked, comma” defended the attacked guard, comma with a hint of embarrassment creeping across his face. His face blushed as he remembered her womanly figure, comma “Also, comma she was distracting, comma” He proclaimed as he raised his eyebrows. The other guards just laughed.
¶
“At least we got a look at her so we may be able to find her or at least post wanted posters about the city, comma” The guard pointed out to try and justify their suspect escaping.
¶
“Not to mention we have the baker’s money” Smirked the first guard holding the bag of gold up in triumph. “He will be pleased to have it back and we may be forgiven for the loss of the criminal”

Alright, first I want to point out the punctuation. You seem to go between choppy and long sentences... which is not so bad, because it helps balance the piece a bit, but with long flowy sentences through it all, it would be even better. Remember that there can never be too much commas, so don't be afraid to combine small sentences that are related and have the same subject into one.
ie: This...

She had fiery red hair and bright blue eyes. Her age would be about 6 years. She was small and her eyes sunken as if she hadn’t eaten for a week. The thief knew the child and so stopped dead in front of her. The hood was covering most of the strangers face besides a satisfied smirk. However the child seemed to recognise the clothing.
Can become this...
She was about 6 years of age, small with her fiery red hair with sunken eyes, as if she hadn't eaten for a week. The thief stopped dead in his tracks, for he knew her, but with his hood covering most of his face, beside the satisfied smirk, the child only seemed to recognise only the clothing.

The other thing I wanted to point out is the use of 'thief' in there. If you are using it as the name of your character until we find out the real name, then it should be capitalized. If it's more of an adjective, then it's alright too.

Other than that, overall, it was great It looks pretty promising. Good use of adjectives and imagery, your style of writing is pretty good. There's a lot of questions that come with reading this, so keep on writing!

Feel free to PM me with any concerns or comments about anything above

-Truth-

Thank you very much Truth for taking the time to review my work. I really appreciate the honesty and it's great to have someone else read my work for a change! I have taken everything on board and will use the comments to edit and taylor my story.

Oh and regarding the use of "person's" and "thief". I didn't want to use gender related words as I wanted to keep the gender a mystery until she was captured. I wanted to mislead my audience into thinking she was a male character. It seems to have worked ^_^ so I'm glad.