savage

city lights averting your gaze from the moon,
sorting these diamonds with a plastic spoon,
turning to face what may come back around
in a relative world where no right can be found;
desperation in keeping a single voice silent,
engulfed by the ocean, the roar of a tyrant,
just an old Savage-smile in a downward direction--
I expect nothing less from a tainted perfection.

Spoiler

Really short and sort of random five minute poem I thought of while reading Brave New World. "Savage-smile" refers to John (the Savage), who claims the right to be unhappy after refusing to conform to the ways of city life (society that depends on drugs for happiness, follows a strict set of rules, no morals/religion, "everyone's happy" thoughts drilled into the minds of all citizens etc. sort of thing).

Hi!

This was an... interesting poem. It wasn't exactly uplifting, but it caught and held my attention. I've never read Brave New World, so I can't really see it from that particular perspective, but from the view of an "outsider", I have a few of my own suggestions:

The rhyme scheme is the first thing that struck me. I don't know, it doesn't seem savage, if that makes sense. I get a real image of organisation and civilisation from rhyme, and it seems that blank verse would be more appropriate, and less restrictive. The rhyming felt a little forced, too.

If there was a way you could do this with more minimal punctuation, it seems to me that that would be far more fitting to the theme. Looking over the poem, the punctuation does hold it together, but with some editing I think you could display a more savage feel to it. I love your use of capitalisation, though; used scarcely but very effectively.

Maybe, if the poem were a little longer, you could demonstrate the deterioration from civilisation to savagery through punctuation, rhyme, etc. As it is, what you've written is more of a glimpse at the end result, and that's great, but it would just be another option available that could be equally, or possibly even more effective.

Beyond that, this really is an excellent poem. I was really drawn in by the fluid style, and the metaphors you used really caught my interest. And now you've made me really want to read that book!

I hope I helped - please let me know if there's something more I can do, or if anything I've said doesn't make sense.
~Grin

Interesting. This is quite different from your normal poetry style. I'm not sure if I like it better or not, but I'll see what I can make of it.

city lights averting your gaze from the moon,
sorting these diamonds with a plastic spoon,

So the first line I am interpreting as embellishments distracting the subject from what is truly important. The second line is similar in meaning, in comparing the cheap with the value, though in a slightly different context. Overall, I think the first line could be a little better. My main problem is with the verb "averting." I'm so used to it being used in a different way (avert your gaze, averting his gaze, etc.) that I keep having to reread it. That could just be me, of course.

turning to face what may come back around
in a relative world where no right can be found;

This is the part of the poem where I found most of my critiques lay. Neither line possesses any particularly powerful imagery, or compelling word choice. A bit bland compared to the rest of the poem. For the first line, you could instead say: "turning to face the iron pendulum (I really just like the word "pendulum" right now, so you don't have to listen to me, of course)," although I have no idea what rhymes with pendulum. Oh! What about "tentaculum?" Shoot, I'd better stop rambling before I forget that I'm writing a review. So anyway, work on these lines. And I'm just curious, what exactly do you mean by "relative world?" It's an interesting phrase.

desperation in keeping a single voice silent,
engulfed by the ocean, the roar of a tyrant,

I love the second line (splendid imagery), but the first one could use some work. The wording is a bit odd. It makes sense, of course, but it definitely could be a bit more lucid, in my opinion.

just an old Savage-smile in a downward direction--
I expect nothing less from a tainted perfection.

Major change in tone here. This transition is kind of abrupt. You go from a tone of distress to one of...well, I'm not quite sure how to describe the emotion I'm experiencing after reading this. I suppose one could say that it is a bit more casual than the rest of the poem. The words that contribute to this feeling are in bold. "Perfection" is not quite "casual," I suppose, but your use of it slightly contradicts the feeling established in earlier lines. "Tainted" does somewhat lessen this, but understand that you could put all the adjectives in the world in front of a noun, and yet the noun would still maintain a small fraction of its meaning. That is what happens here. Use adjectives in poetry only to reinforce nouns that already somewhat suggest the adjective, or in a thought-provoking way. When adjectives are contradictory, the phrase tends to not be as effective.

(Since you are obviously an incredible poet, you don't have to listen to any of that. I'm just stating my opinion.)

Well! This was a great poem. I hope my review was helpful.

-Kafka

I love this! The only thing I didn't like very much was the first four lines, they felt very familiar and cliche. They were intruiging, but something about them didn't make me especially want to keep reading. I think the rhyming sounded a bit forced, maybe.
I'm so glad I kept reading, the feeling I got at the end of the read was very fresh! You did great!

desperation in keeping a single voice silent,
engulfed by the ocean, the roar of a tyrant,
just an old Savage-smile in a downward direction--
I expect nothing less from a tainted perfection.

This part is my favorite!I absolutely love this poem!
Pm me if you write anything else you want reviewed