Speedometer

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Needless to say, this poem was written in the car.


A silver vehicle outside the
car window, an infinite freeway,
dictated by white lines and
speed limits. Exit lanes passed,
the untold stories of dead ends,
and a semi’s caution: content unknown,
wide right turns. But there are no turns,
except perhaps for that one
up ahead, defined by trees and a
passing cloud; it is One Way, and
we cannot turn back; no,
we cannot go back that way.

Life streaking by outside
a car window, the back
license plate of a silver car,
flaunting the white letters,
illuminated by brake lights,
and a sun hidden behind trees;
does construction slow us down,
or does it only make us stronger?
We must pump this gas ourselves,
or be thrown out thirsty, until
we question whether this truly is
the Wrong Way, for we have not crashed yet.
#TNT

WRFF




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Awesome poem! I love how the depth develops in the second stanza, where it becomes more than just a car ride, but a question about man and his creations. I love the bit about 'drink or be thrown out thirsty,' and how that links with the question about constrcution. I'm not sure if this is what you intended but what i took from it is about how we have become so reliant on structures and construction that, even though it is detrimental to us and our world we must continue it or become 'thirsty.' I especially like the use of the rhetoric in the second stanza.

Notes - I don't think you should end a line with 'and.' I know when you read your not really supposed to use enjambment as an indicator of when to take pauses but i think 'and' should always have something after it. Also at the end, i think 'We have not yet crashed,' would be more poetic than, 'we have not crashed yet.'

All in all, awesome and relatively deep (though depicting a mere car-ride), especially for a 13 year old. It reminds me of 'Ambulances,' by Philip Larken which is actually about death x_x




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This was cool! I liked how it was like life, but at the same time, a car ride. (At least to me it seemed to portray a picture of life.)
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.




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Poetry written on the spot is the best kind. The fact that you wrote this in a car (rather than the content) reminds me of a song called "Drive," by Funeral For A Friend. Not one of my favorite songs, but they did record it in a speeding car. :P

With that rambling out of the way, let's move on to the review, shall we?

Kafkaescence wrote:A silver vehicle outside the
car window, an infinite freeway,
dictated by white lines and Having the words "infinite" and "dictated" in such close proximity sounds a bit odd - almost like you're contradicting yourself. I'm assuming they both refer to two different ideas, but you may want to make that more intelligible.
speed limits. Exit lanes passed,
the untold stories of dead ends, Love. :)
and a semi’s caution: content unknown, Undecided on this one. It adds wonder, but serves as a bridge to the weaker half of the stanza (I'll get to that next).
wide right turns. But there are no turns,
except perhaps for that one
up ahead, defined by trees and a
passing cloud
; it is One Way, and
we cannot turn back; no,
we cannot go back that way. Okay. The bolded portion, I like. But as for the rest of this (lines 7-12)... it's quite dull compared to the first half of the stanza. You're switching from setting the actual scene to introducing the main idea of the poem, but in doing so you lack the... for lack of a better word, quality, shown in the beginning of the piece. The impact of the piece, rather than building up, crumbled down. I suggest reworking the area that needs some tweaking so that it's more fluid in following your great imagery.




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AAGGGHHH. I accidently pressed "submit" instead of "preview." Since I wasn't able to quote the second stanza of your poem just by editing the comment, I'm going to write another one. (Sorry, sorry, sorry).

Kafkaescence wrote:Life streaking by outside
a car window, the back
license plate of a silver car, Repetition of "silver" - may want to fix that.
flaunting the white letters,
illuminated by brake lights
,
and a sun hidden behind trees; Love the bold, though I'm not too fond of the abundance of commas. Each line ends the same (with a comma) for about three lines. A little much, methinks. It makes your enjambments sound pretty choppy. But that's just my personal opinion. Also, the line about the sun is a bit bland.
does construction slow us down,
or does it only make us stronger? What? Now there's construction? You never mentioned this before, so it sounds like it was just thrown in there. :P
We must pump this gas ourselves,
or be thrown out thirsty, until Really like this line.
we question whether this truly is
the Wrong Way, for we have not crashed yet. Last four lines sound out of place. While it fits the overall atmosphere of the poem (cars, highways, land passing by, life, etc.), the sudden shift from the car's surroundings to the car itself (and on a much deeper level than everything else) really threw me off. Try to ease into it a little more. This is a great poem, so it doesn't have to be rushed.


Overall, you know I always love your work, and it never fails to impress. Keep it up, mate.



Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
— Henry David Thoreau