Recoil

My famous last words were in the witching hour,
too scared too speak I sat back.
With tenuous strains over my cracked lips,
I ached to get free.
I knew the words would hurt me more,
if I loved him he must feel what I will feel.
If I reaked havoc on a tangible soul,
I could kill it.

But when the time came I opened my cracked lips,
the words came out in a breath of fire.
He stepped back,
I stepped forward.
I saw his face fall,
his eyes were burning in the Seventh Circle of Hell.

I saw what I had done,
all the feirce joy I felt was diminished in three words.
My lips bled,
and my heart burned.
The fire that burned his heart,
burned mine also.

My last sight was of him,
and I closed my eyes forever.

WOW! I loved this. It was beautifully written and flowed gracefully. I'm a pretty good writer myself, and even I couldn't have written something as beautiful as this. Keep writing and I will DEFINATELY keep reading.
ShadowPrincess16

Hi this is thestorygirl. Okay if you dont know what those three words are here is a spoiler.Just to let you know its in the poem so if you get it wrong your sort of stupid

Spoiler

I love you.

And if you just want to figure it out you shouldnt click it.

Hello Storygirl I'm Truth and I shall review your poem!

thestorygirl wrote:My famous last words were in the witching hour,
too scared too speak, comma I sat back.
With tenuous strains over my cracked lips,
I ached to get free.
I knew the words would hurt me more,
if I loved him, comma he must be feeling what I will feel.
If I reaked havoc on a tangible soul,
I could kill it.

But when the time came and I opened my cracked lips,
the words came out in a breath of fire.
He stepped back,
I stepped forward.
I saw his face fall,
his eyes were burning in the Seventh Circle of Hell.

I saw what I had done,
all the feirce joy I felt was diminished in three words.
My lips bled,
and my heart burned.
The fire that burned his heart,
burned mine also.

My last sight was of him,
and I closed my eyes forever.

Alright, this was pretty good. The story is not something I haven't seen before but you tell it in a different way, which is what kept me interrested. Not many mistakes and I don't have much critism Nice job!
Keep on writing!

-Truth-

Hey! This is pretty descriptive, you used both description and emotion pretty well with this piece. However you say cracked lips a couple of times and I think you only really need to say it once. Reaked should be wreaked, as well. I guessed what the three words were, and I think you took an original way of writing about that topic, so good job.

Hey Story Girl! Nice poem.

I agree with Matt Bellamy; you use description and emotion well in this. For me there was a good balance of both. Some of your wording and phrases (like "the witching hour" and "Seventh Circle of Hell") give me really vivid images of dim lighting and, oddly enough, New Orleans. I don't know if this was intentional or not, but either way it had a good effect on me.

The only thing I think you could work on, really, is developing more of a beat or rhythm to this. Right now it's fairly good, but I think if you limited the amount of syllables you used in each line to a smaller number (at least in the longer lines) and made the stanzas as a whole more coherent, you'd have a great poem on your hands. Let me know if you need any help with this!

-Knightley

P.S. Fahrvergnügen

Hey thestorygirl,

This is pretty great, you know? haha. It has such great and rich imagery and emotion, definitely worth reading. It flowed gracefully but with strong feeling. And you described everything so well so it was easy to understand. Well done! Absolutely great!

And I did get what the three words were, lol. Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf