City Of Love | Chapter 2

Chapter 2! Last part is dialogue Oh well!
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I wake up the next morning with my clothes in my closet and my bag in the corner.

“Kenny!” My mom yells from downstairs.

She calls me that when she’s in a good mood.

'How did she get in a good mood?' I think.

I walk down the auburn steps and hold onto the railing like I’m holding onto a rope for my life.

I stop.

No.

Yes.

NO!

It can’t be!

“Hey Kendra!” He remarks.

Oh God. My face turns pale.

“Kenny?” My mom says sharply.

“Uhh.”

I run up to my room and shut my door.

So they can hear.

I blast my music from my MP3 so ‘One Republic’ fills my ears.

“Kendra?”

I turn down my music.

“COME IN!” I yell.

“Kendra. What was that all about?”

“Mom! You know me and my EX Harry don’t talk!” I try and prove my point.

She gives me the ‘Get down there NOW’ stare, so I proceed once again down the auburn steps.

“Hey Harry.” I say dully.

“Kendra!” He yelps with excitement.

What does he want? I think.

Then, somebody rings the doorbell.

A short, blonde female.

She's wearing a yellow sundress and some DNKY sunglasses with white flipflops.

“Uhh?” I let out.

“Ohh! This is Trixie. My new girlfriend. We came to say goodbye before you left.”

Trixie?

Wow.

“Oh. Hey Trixie.” I say more deepened into the conversation.

NEW GIRLFRIEND?

Yes, New. I argue with myself in my head.

Like I’m OLD news?

His ‘trash’ ? Now I'm pissed.

“We got to run. Have fun Kendra!” Trixie says with a high pitched voice.

“Well she seems nice!” My mom says.

“Yeah. Nice.”

My mom just doesn’t get it.

He brought his new girlfriend over to my house?

Even though I dumped him, he doesn’t have the right!

Or does he?

I pick up my phone and text my friend Nicolle. I know I can trust her.

‘Get over here now!! (: ’ I write.

Five minutes later she texts back ‘Alright! Cool your Jets Kenny!!!’

Nicolle lives about a block away so it’s no surprise she shows up three minutes later.

“Hey Nicolle!” I hear my mom say.

Nicolle is always so pretty so it’s no surprise she is wearing her makeup and her hair in an updo.

She’s a cheerleader and is wearing the school logo on her bubble jacket.

“So Kenny what’s up?” she says.

“I have some news.” I quickly say. Is it really that obvious that something amazing happened?

Wait. I called her over.

“Okay?” She says with no enthusiasm whatsoever.

“Niki.” I call her by her nickname.

“Yes?” She says, eyes on her phone.

“Chad…” I say, before she cuts me off.

“My best friend Chad? Chad Drummond?” She snaps.

“You’re friends with him!?” I say, stunned.

“Yeah what about it?” She says more interested.

“That’s not the point. He kissed me last night.”

She just sits there. Staring into space.

Hey cheeks fall letting her smile dissapear.

“I have to go.” She suddenly says.

“Bye?” I say quietly.
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How do you like it!?

PM me if you need any 'spoilers!'

My second review of your stories... hope I won't be as harsh this time.

Michelle wrote:
I wake up the next morning with my room cleaned.

Okay, show us the clean room. For example: My clothes that were laying all over the floor are now stacked up neatly in my wardrobe. Show and Tell.

Michelle wrote:“Kenny!” My mom yells from downstairs.

She calls me that when she’s happy.

How can she be happy?

You do not have to make that bold whatsoever. Also, show us, no rather, tell us why she calls her Kenny when she's happy, like an example of what happened.

Michelle wrote:I walk down the auburn steps and hold onto the railing like I’m holding onto a rope for my life.

THIS IS GOOD!

Michelle wrote:I stop.

No.

Yes.

NO!

It can’t be!

We see that she's shocked, now show us what she sees, feels inside. That kind of important crap to make a great story.

Michelle wrote:“Hey Kendra!” He remarks.

Oh God.

I would like it is you would say: When I heard his voice, I cringed. It just looks like she doesn't like this person, oh and show us the person!

Michelle wrote:“Kenny?” My mom says sharply.

“Uhh.”

I run up to my room and shut my door.

LOUDLY.

So they can hear.

Show us this part! And don't ever write like you just did here, ever. It just makes no sense, well, it does but at the same time doesn't. It just that you gotta put this differently, like maybe: I run up to my door and shut my door, loudly, just so they can hear my anger. Something like that.

Michelle wrote:I blast my music from my MP3 so ‘One Republic’ fills my ears.

“Kendra?”

I turn down my music.

“Come in!” I yell.

“Kendra. What was that all about?”

“Mom! You know me and my EX Harry don’t talk!” I try and prove my point.

She gives me the ‘Get down there NOW’ stare, so I proceed once again down the auburn steps.

Mhm, you don't have to capitalize 'Come in' when you yell, if you write 'I Yell' then we get it. Show us what she feels, sees, and does. Give us step by step motions, but don't over do it. We don't wanna have to imagine it on our own, like we don't want to fill in the blanks --YOU HAVE TO DO THAT FOR US.

Michelle wrote:“Hey Harry.” I say dully.

“Kendra!” He yelps with excitement.

How did she get here!? Tell us how she gets there, I hate it when you do that.

Michelle wrote:What does he want? I think. HARD.

*laughs like a hyena* Sorry, really, but read this to yourself, just do it "I think. HARD.", well? Do you see what I mean? You do not write 'I Think. HARD.' Write like this: "What does he want?" I think.

Michelle wrote:Then, somebody appears through the door.

A short, blonde female.

Does she ring the doorbell or is the door open the whole time? If it's open say something about the weather. And explain more than just, a short blonde female. You see, I don't really know how she looks at all, some special feature would be nice.

Michelle wrote:“Huh?” I let out.

“Ohh! This is Trixie, my new girlfriend. We came to say goodbye before you left.”

Trixie? Wow.

“Oh. Hey Trixie.” I say more deepened into the conversation.

NEW GIRLFRIEND?

Yes, New. I argue with myself in my head.

Sometimes when your character has a bold thought, you mark it by: "What is this?" I thought. If it's not that important you do not say 'I argue with myself in my head' right after the thought unless you mark it like a dialouge, like this: "".

Michelle wrote:Like I’m OLD news?

His ‘trash’ ?

So, here we see that she doesn't like the idea of him moving on, like she liked the control over him. Show us this, emotions, feelings, doing... that stuff. What do they do, or look like? Do the smile, cringe, laugh? This is important stuff.

Michelle wrote:“We got to run; have fun Kendra!” Trixie says with her high pitched voice.

I don't like it when you wrote 'with her high pitched voice', your MC just met her, just simply say: In a high pitched voice. You just met her!

Michelle wrote:“Well she seems nice!” My mom says.

“Yeah. Nice.”

Where did she go now? She jumps to places too much too fast.

Michelle wrote:My mom just doesn’t get it. He brought his new girlfriend over to my house? Even though I dumped him, he doesn’t have the right! Or does he?

Great thoughts here, but we do not know what's going on, a flashback would be nice, or maybe if you want that for later that'd be good too, it keeps your readers hooked. But we need to SEE the emotion!

Michelle wrote:I pick up my phone and text my friend Nicolle. I know I can trust her.

‘Get over here now!! (: ’ I write.

Five minutes later she texts back ‘Alright! Cool your Jets Kenny!!!’

Nicolle lives (one too many spaces) about a block away so it’s no surprise she shows up three minutes later.

“Hey Nicolle!” I hear my mom say.

“Up here!” I yell down.

When did she get upstairs!!!???

Michelle wrote:Nicolle is always so pretty so it’s no surprise she is wearing her makeup and her hair in an updo.

She’s a cheerleader and is wearing the school logo on her bubble jacket.

Good start, I can imagine her! Great great great. But, you need more of this! Did you feel happy when you saw her (MC point of you) Be your MC. Just be her.

Michelle wrote:“So Kenny what’s up?” she says.

“Nothing.” I quickly say. Is it really that obvious that something amazing happened?

Okay, she calls her to come, then she says 'Nothing'?! Fix that.

Michelle wrote:“Okay?” She says with no enthusiasm whatsoever.

“Niki.” I call her by her nickname.

“Yes?” She says, eyes on her phone.

“Chad…” I say, before she cuts me off.

“My best friend Chad, Chad Drummond?” She snaps.

“You’re friends with him!?” I say, stunned.

“Yeah what about it?” She says more interested.

“That’s not the point. He kissed me last night.”

She just sits there. Staring into space.

“I have to go.” She suddenly says.

“Bye?” I say quietly.

OVERALL: Great plot, can't wait for more! But, you gotta really edit. I told you what to do in chapter one. READ, TRY TRY AND TRY AGAIN. That helps you write better, like it helped me. So we see that Nicolle (awkward coincedence ha-ha, you know what I mean, thanks for putting me in there! ) likes Chad. So when she found out that they kissed, you should've said: Her face got pale. Or something like that.

I love it!

Nike

Keep Writing!

Alright, so, I only read about a quarter of this to learn it was the exact same as the first chapter. There was minimal details, no emotion, and way too much dialogue-nothing to tie your MC to your reader. You need to expand on details, and make it clear what your MC is feeling.

Your MC's reaction to the whole new girlfriend thing seems random and very fake to me. Granted, I have never been in a relationship, so I wouldn't know, but, it seems like she's just having some type of over-the-top freak out for nothing really.

I'd advise you to edit and figure out why your MC freaks out like that, then go back and show it in your writing.

Overall-
You just need to expand your details so that it's clear for the reader.

~WIckedWonder