Golden Wings- Matteo *short*

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Spoiler
AN: This is a short chapter on Matteo, kind of introducing his character. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to add another POV in the novel but.. you tell me.


I buried my hands deep in my pockets; it was getting pretty cold but with all the nice, warm colors hanging from the trees, my brain was telling me otherwise. Sure, it was colder than Detroit but I would have traded the gray city landscapes for this anytime.

I picked up a golden leaf from the ground, spinning it between my numb fingers and let it fall, watching it spiral down to land on the dark river water. The water smelt of chemicals and dead fish but there was something about the constant calm flow that made me want to plunge right in. It looked so cleansing.

My stomach grumbled and my thoughts snapped back to my new home, where my loving family was waiting for me. After the long ride from the city’s airport, we’d pulled up to this magnificent white house. In the neighborhood, there were schools, old couples sitting on their porches with hot drinks, teenagers walking and talking animatedly and kids, playing basketball in their driveway. There were colors and I knew right then I’d like it here. Inside was just as beautiful. Grand staircase, modern yet homey kitchen, perfect for my parents who loved cooking together, complete backyard oasis, you name it.
I had raced Ralf for the best bedroom, making sure to stay just at his heals; I didn’t need a huge room with a en-suite complete with a Jacuzzi, I wasn’t planning on wasting my time indoors anyways.

My parents had called up, the moving truck would only arrive tomorrow and we needed to get out to get supper. I quickly bowed out of it, saying I wanted to stretch my legs and see the neighborhood before dark.

Now, I turned my back from the sinking sun, filling my lungs with fresh air. It was quickly getting dark, as I climbed the slope back to the road.
Last edited by TheTruthLiesWithin on Mon Jul 04, 2011 9:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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It is short but your detail is nice. I would love to see more, all I really got was that your character just moved, I like the pov i think you should stick with it. Anyways I'd love to see more!
It's nice to see another Canadian on here =)
Steph
Write with your heart first
then with your head




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It was short, but very detailed, which makes up for it. I can't get over how well detailed it is! I didn't spot any errors, and it was very well written. Good job!
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TheTruthLiesWithin wrote:
Spoiler
AN: This is a short chapter on Matteo, kind of introducing his character. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to add a POV in this but.. you tell me.


I buried my hands deep in my pockets; it was getting pretty cold commabut with all the nice warm colors hanging from the trees, my brain was telling me otherwise. Sure, it was colder than Detroit commabut I would have traded the gray city landscapes for this anytime.

I picked up a golden leaf from the ground, spinning it between my numb fingers and let it fall, watching it spiral down to land on the dark river water. The water smelt of chemicals and dead fishcomma but there was something about the constant calm flow that made me want to plunge right in. It looked so cleansing.

My stomach grumbledcomma and my thoughts snapped back to my new home, where my loving family was waiting for me. After the long ride from the city’s airport, we’d pulled up to this magnificent commawhite house. In the neighborhood, there were schools, old couples sitting on their porches with hot drinks, teenagers walking and talking animatedly and kids, playing basketball in their driveway. There were colors and I knew right then I’d like it here. Inside was just as beautiful. Grand staircase, modern commayet homey kitchen, perfect for my parents who loved cooking together, complete backyard oasis, you name it.
I had raced Ralf for the best bedroom, making sure to stay just at his heals; I didn’t need a huge I'm sure you meant to have the word 'room' herewith a Jacuzzi, I wasn’t planning on wasting my time indoors anyways.

My parents had called up, the moving truck would only arrive tomorrow and we needed to get out to get supper. I quickly bowed out of it, saying I wanted to stretch my legs and see the neighborhood before dark.

Now, I turned my back from the sinking sun, filling my lungs with fresh air. It was quickly getting dark commaas I climbed the slope back to the road.

Overall? I liked it. Not many mistakes, which was nice. PM me or write on my wall when you post the next chapters.
Jenn
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn




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I like this :) I don't know who Matteo is yet, but I like his perspective. Even though it's short this is an interesting piece, and it tells a lot about his character even without purposely writing out a character bio.

I'm not really sure what else to comment on. As for a Point of View, always include one. The Pov is one of the most important things in writing, and anything without a point of view, even one of a narrator, keeps the writer at a distance from the story, and so keeps the reader at a distance too. This point of view I like, very much :)
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