Peace At Last

A little poem I wrote with my Boyfriend while relaxing, I know its not my best but we like it

Together we lie in bed for two,
our bodies dying from the day which was new.
Recall the church and the people who stayed,
said they were sorry for the day and who was laid.
Tragidy lay infront of our eyes,
before I burst into tears and put on a cry.
Then we retreated back to our whole,
for a twisted love story we told.
You look at me and whisper with glee,
"shes finally gone and you are free".
I laugh with a smile and relay the past,
my mother is dead and gone so fast.
A passion for torture made her day,
me and my lover were her prey.
Vile of poision in your hand,
A chance she did not stand.
Her tea laced with death,
then we watched her last breath.
Said she took her life through pain,
now we know everything is no longer the same.
I stare and wonder if trust is true,
as we are two killers through and through.

LilySoulMahon wrote:Together we lie in bed for two,
our bodies dying from the day which was new. Could be worded better.
Recall the church and the people who stayed, Great line.
said they were sorry for the day and who was laid. This is a tad too long.
Tragidy lay infront of our eyes, "In front" is two words.
before I burst into tears and put on a cry. "Put on a cry?" I've never heard that expression.
Then we retreated back to our whole, "Hole."
for a twisted love story we told.
You look at me and whisper with glee, "Glee" is a bit too strong a word. It doesn't really fit with the calm atmosphere.
"She's finally gone and you are free."
I laugh with a smile and relay the past, As opposed to laughing without a smile?
my mother is dead and gone so fast. "So fast" sounds too informal.
A passion for torture made her day,
me and my lover were her prey. This is pretty nit-picky, but it should be "my lover and I."
Vile of poision in your hand, "Vial." "Vile" means "mean" or "horrible."
A chance she did not stand. This phrasing doesn't make much sense to me.
Her tea laced with death, Nice.
then we watched her last breath. Don't need "then."
Said she took her life through pain, Try putting an "own" in front of "life."
now we know everything is no longer the same.
I stare and wonder if trust is true,
as we are two killers through and through. I like these last two lines.

This is a nice poem. The beginning is a bit shaky, but after that you and your boyfriend do a superb job with the imagery and general feeling of the poem. Superb job.

-Kafka

I agree with the first reviewer, the beginning was shaky but then it really took off, and the ending was cool. The further you got (and more morbid and twisted) the more I liked it. This definately needs improvement, but I think that Kafka did a good job helping you out with that.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hey Lily!

Ok, so, first off, I really like the idea you have here. It's a really cool story, and I like that you've put it into a poem format instead of, say, a short story. It's really different! So nice work in that aspect.

Howeveeer, I do think this could use some work in several key areas.

For one: This is it? There isn't any more? With a plot like this, you need more details, more emotion and not just bland descriptions of what's happening. Right now I think your poem is at the bare minimum of what it could achieve, and the first thing I think you can do to improve it is to just add onto it and make it more emotional.

Second: The rhyme. I say it over and over to everyone: DITCH. THE. RHYME. Really, it's doing no one any good, least of all you. It's forced and somewhat corny at parts, and whereas your words should have their own natural flow, since you decided to use a rhyme scheme without the proper execution, the flow is thrown off, and I'm forced to make my own rhythm and beat just to make the poem readable. There really is absolutely no use for a rhyme here.

I think that's really it for now. There's not much I can help you with until you revise this (if you do at all) hopefully with some of my advice in mind. If you do, though, I'll be glad to help you.

-Knightley

I personally disagree with Knightly. I say keep the rhymes, because the rhymes in this piece manage to hold the poem together nicely, as opposed to other poems which just sound like a complete load of random bull crap sentences which not only bore, but just don't make sense. The rhymes in your poem here stop this from happening and hold the poem together very nicely. So keep the rhymes, because that's what for me made it enjoyable.

The is poem is very intimate. I dunno if that's what you were intending, but that's the impression it gave me. And it adds a nice touch to the poem. Very nicely done. Not many people can talk much about a special intimacy without sounding soppy and cliche. This poem describes intimacy as a sort of personal relation, making intimacy seem more personal than stereotypical or cliche like, and the fact that it isn't cliche is indeed a refreshing work.

And one more thing: whether or not this poem is any good, it's a special work between you and your boyfriend, and that's all that matters. Back to what I was saying about the level of intimacy in the poem, it's something special between the two of you, and that's all that matters. That's why this poem is good - it's unique and it's written uniquely for you.

All in all, a special poem. Thankyou for posting it, and keep up the good writing work!

I like this, it has a very good idea and dark twisted side to it. Some of the rythme is a bit forced and so I think you should go through and pick your best rythming parts and then with the others it's okay to leave them unrythming. Also you should try and put more space between the poems lines so it's easier on the eyes and all. Thanks for posting I really thought this was a dark and powerful piece.

Hey! I really like this, and mainly because I didn't expect the twist that you had killed your mother. I like the rhyming because it makes the poem sound cheerful, like you are really pleased with yourself. Well, the narrator is really pleased with herself for what she's done. It makes me curious about why she killed her mother, though. All in all, good job!