Golden Wings Chapter 2

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10997
Reviews 229
Tara and I went to our science class and arrived just seconds before the bell. I hated being early. People stared at me and whispered in my back, making me uncomfortable. I took my seat in the back of the class, where no one could stare at me.

We worked individually on an assignment until the bell rang, an hour later. I went to my locker, alone, because Tara had to go to the main office to take care of an attendance problem. I wandered through the hallways; head bowed under the weight of the stares. Someone laughed loudly at the end of the hallway. That laugh, it made me shiver. I lifted my eyes from my shoes carefully, afraid to make any eye contact. Jake and his friends were hanging around my locker, waiting for the French teacher to open the class door. I made my way through the little crowd, my face burning bright red from rage and embarrassment. Someone pushed me from behind and I stumbled, spilling my books on the floor. Everyone burst out laughing and I bent down to pick up my things, doing my best to ignore them. I was getting up when a heavy book fell on my head. Slowly, I looked up. Jake, standing over me, was looking down at me like I was the most repulsive thing he ever saw. I jumped to my feet, my stomach lurching, and I picked up my things again, quickly. I spun around, pulling my hood over my head and stalked away as rapidly as I could. I didn’t have time to get my gym clothes but one thing was for sure, I wasn’t going back there. I would borrow Tara’s. I went to her locker and did the combination. I knew it by heart now; I had to open it when she couldn’t remember it. It happened a lot actually. I ran to the gym and changed as fast as I could.

The bell rang exactly when I entered the gym. Everyone was already there, gossiping in little groups. I went to sit aloof, away from everyone else. Our teacher announced that we were going to start the basketball unit. I smiled to myself. Basketball was my best sport, my talent, my passion. We started practicing our passes and then we separated in small teams to play. Of course, I was left alone, again, and the teacher placed me with a team of sour-looking girls. Everyone knew I was the best in the class but no one ever wanted to be with me. No one commented when I went to sit on the bench beside them but I caught a glimpse of Julia rolling her eyes.

When we played, I did all the points, one after the other. No one bothered to try to stop me. We were winning when Lillian, one of Jake’s numerous girlfriends, and her team, opposed us. She was pushing and hitting me to keep me from scoring. Usually, it would have been an infraction but the teacher didn’t say a thing. I wasn’t going to let her bring me down. Finally Lillian tripped me but I grabbed her shirt and we sprawled on the floor. The teacher whistled. Finally!

“What!? No, it’s not me”, Lillian exclaimed when she saw that the foul was against her team. “She made me fall!”

“You are going to run for 15 minutes before the end of the class for debating with the referee”, the teacher said sharply.

“It wasn’t even me! I swear!”

He sighed. “Then Kaylee will do it too. Go! Start now”.

Lillian turned to me an evil smile on her lips. I sighed and started running. It didn’t really bother me to run. Actually, I quite enjoyed it. It made me think, and after, my whole body felt oxygenated. Besides, fifteen minutes weren’t very long. I only stopped when the teacher whistled again, indicating us that our time was over, while Lillian stopped at every five minutes to catch her breath. I rolled my eyes. It’s not that hard to run for fifteen minutes straight. She was obviously exaggerating it.

At the end of the class, I changed back in my clothes and went to meet Tara at her locker to give her back her clothes.

“Sorry, I borrowed your gym uniform”, I told her apologetically.

“Don’t worry about it. I heard something happened. It’s Jake again?” She asked, concerned.

I only nodded. I didn’t want to tell her the whole story. We walked to the cafeteria, where Ian had saved us a table. We ate in silence. It’s Ian who first broke it, when we were all finished eating.

“Remember the big white house on the corner of the street? I heard that it’s finally sold.”

“Really?!” Tara and I exclaimed in unison.

This fabulous house didn’t really fit in the rest of the shabby street. It was huge and majestic… and really expansive. A lot of people came to visit it since it was put on the market but no one really could afford it. The previous owner, a really rich man, bought the house because of the proximity from the schools and the Ottawa River, just a street away. But apparently it wasn’t big enough for him because he remodeled the entire house, adding a good 500 square feet, an in-ground pool, a lovely new paint job and new landscape, totally changing the front of the house. And the interior… it must be gorgeous.

“Do you know who bought it?” I asked curious.

“They say that it’s a really rich family who just moved in the city.”

They had to be really rich to afford such a mansion.

“Do they have kids?” Tara asked, all excited at the idea that there would be new guys at school.

“Uh… I have no idea”, he admitted.

She started blabbing and I zoned out. She was probably trying to make out a plan to catch the attention of the newcomers. I rolled my eyes. Even if they had kids, they would probably go to the private school, with all their money. Besides, I didn’t want anything to do with those plans. I already had enough attention as it is. I turned to Ian, who wasn’t listening either.

“Where do you want to go?” He asked me. I smiled. Apparently we were thinking the same thing.

“Anywhere she’s going to shut up.”

He laughed and we got up. Seeing that she was now alone, Tara jumped to her feet and ran after us.

“Uh, Guys?! Where are you going?”

Ian led the way to the out of the cafeteria and sat down on the floor, just outside the double doors. I slid down beside him, my back to the wall. People were rushing before us, getting out of the cafeteria to sit down outside on this beautiful day or just in the hallways. No one liked the cafeteria. It was loud and cold.

Some guys pushed through inside from the door that lead outside, talking loudly. They shouted after Ian and he motioned them forward. They sat down beside him, one of them squeezing in the small space between Ian's body and mine. I slid to the right, putting more distance between us. The guy shot me a look, flipping a football in his hands and I shrank back, pulling my knees tight against my chest. He turned back to the conversation and I relaxed. My head flopped down on my knees and I closed my eyes, waiting for time to pass. Always waiting. Soon, I told myself. Soon, it’d be all over.

The bell rang and I jumped, surprised. Ian was standing over me, hand extended. I took it and he lifted me up to my feet. The guys were gone, for some time I think, since I it had been quiet for a while. I fallowed Ian to his locker, we had maths together. The rest of my day passed normally. I was relieved when the bell rang, announcing the end of another long day of classes.
Last edited by TheTruthLiesWithin on Sun Sep 19, 2010 4:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.
.- <3 -.




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 300
Reviews 0
Generally, i like your plot, it is very attractive.I think you should watch your grammar in the first paragraph, some paragraphs seem to be part of other paragraphs, you should not have seprated them.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14895
Reviews 202
Hey there. :)
I really like your story, your writing flows very well. The plot is good, but maybe add a few twists to it or something? Just to make it a little more exciting.

No one commented when I went to sit on the bench beside them but I saw form the corner of my eye Julia rolling her eyes.


I believe you meant "from".

Now. Just a heads up, I'm going to tell you what I didn't like about this story.

The plot is kind of predicable. Rich guy, friend guy. Yes it's only the second chapter, so I can't really complain yet can I? But nothing unexpected has happened yet, and you know how readers love a little surprise now and then.

Your character is almost coming off as a "woe is me" character. All she does is complain, kind of like me, huh?

Okay, that's it for the negative section. Overall, I enjoyed reading this, really. I'm interested to see how this all turns out. And I do feel sympathy for her. Though you should go back and trim this up a bit (grammar, spelling, etc.), it's still very interesting. :)
Looking forward to more,
~Crazy :P
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10997
Reviews 229
Haha yeah, okay, I know it's pretty basic but don't worry, things are coming up soon ;) This is just the intro to situate you guys to were she is right now in life. There's a lot to improve, I'll work on it... right now, actually.

Thanks for the review! :D
.- <3 -.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 22451
Reviews 498
Hi Truth!

First, the nitpicks, and then the overall impression... Okay? :)

He sighed. “Then Kaylee will do it to. Go! Start now”.

To here, should be too.

Some guys pushed trough inside from the door that lead outside, talking loudly.

Through, you missed an H.

Okay, that's all I noticed. The plot is good, like I said last time. And I'm excited to see what's going to happen... We don't know much of the characters and what's the deal with them, but I assume your going to tell us that soon. :)

Hope it helped.

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6431
Reviews 155
TheTrutchLiesWithin wrote:Tara and I went to our science class and arrived just seconds before the belladd rang so its before the bell rang. I hated being early. People stared at me and whispered in my back, making me uncomfortable. I took my seat in the back of the class, where no one could stare at me.

We worked individually on an assignment until the bell rang, an hour later. I went to my locker, alone, because Tara had to go to the main office comma to take care of an attendance problem. I wandered through the hallways; head bowed under the weight of the stares. Someone laughed loudly at the end of the hallway. That laugh, it made me shiver. I lifted my eyes from my shoes carefully, afraid to make any eye contact. Jake and his friends were hanging around my locker, waiting for the French teacher to open the class door. I made my way through the little crowd, my face burning bright red from rage and embarrassment. Someone pushed me from behind and I stumbled, spilling my books on the floor. Everyone burst out laughing comma and I bent down to pick up my things, doing my best to ignore them. I was getting up when a heavy book fell on my head. Slowly, I looked up. Jake, standing over me, was looking down at me like I was the most repulsive thing he ever saw. I jumped to my feet, my stomach lurching, and I picked up my things again, quickly. I spun around, pulling my hood over my headcomma and stalked away as rapidly as I could. I didn’t have time to get my gym clothes but one thing was for sure, I wasn’t going back there. I would borrow Tara’s. I went to her locker and did the combination. I knew it by heart now; I had to open it when she couldn’t remember it. It happened a lot actually. I ran to the gym and changed as fast as I could.

The bell rang commaexactly when I entered the gym. Everyone was already there, gossiping in little groups. I went to sit aloof, away from everyone else. Our teacher announced that we were going to start the basketball unit. I smiled to myself. Basketball was my best sport, my talent, my passion. We started practicing our passes and then we separated in small teams to play. Of course, I was left alone, again, and the teacher placed me with a team of sour-looking girls. Everyone knew I was the best in the class commabut no one ever wanted to be with me. No one commented when I went to sit on the bench beside them but I caught a glimpse of Julia rolling her eyes.

When we played, I did all the points, one after the other. No one bothered to try to stop me. We were winning when Lillian, one of Jake’s numerous girlfriends, and her team, opposed us. She was pushing and hitting me to keep me from scoring. Usually, it would have been an infraction commabut the teacher didn’t say a thing. I wasn’t going to let her bring me down. Finallycomma Lillian tripped mecomma but I grabbed her shirt and we sprawled on the floor. The teacher whistled. Finally!

“What!? No, it’s not me”, comma before " not afterLillian exclaimedcomma when she saw that the foul was against her team. comma not period“She made me fall!”

“You are going to run for 15 minutes before the end of the class for debating with the referee”,comma before " not after the teacher said sharply.

“It wasn’t even me! I swear!”

He sighed.comma not period “Then Kaylee will do it too. Go! Start now”period before " not after.

Lillian turned to me an evil smile on her lips. I sighedcomma and started running. It didn’t really bother me to run. Actually, I quite enjoyed it. It made me think, and after, my whole body felt oxygenated. Besides, fifteen minutes weren’t very long. I only stopped when the teacher whistled again, indicating us that our time was over, while Lillian stopped at every five minutes to catch her breath. I rolled my eyes. It’s not that hard to run for fifteen minutes straight. She was obviously exaggerating it.

At the end of the class, I changed back in my clothes and went to meet Tara at her locker to give her back her clothes.

“Sorry, I borrowed your gym uniform”, comma before " not afterI told her apologetically.

“Don’t worry about it. I heard something happened. It’s Jake again?” She asked, concerned.

I only nodded. I didn’t want to tell her the whole story. We walked to the cafeteria, where Ian had saved us a table. We ate in silence. It’s Ian who first broke it, when we were all finished eating.

“Remember the big white house on the corner of the street? I heard that it’s finally sold.”

“Really?!” Tara and I exclaimed in unison.

This fabulous house didn’t really fit in the rest of the shabby street. It was huge and majestic… and really expansive. A lot of people came to visit it since it was put on the market but no one really could afford it. The previous owner, a really rich man, bought the house because of the proximity from the schools and the Ottawa River, just a street away. But apparently it wasn’t big enough for him because he remodeled the entire house, adding a good 500 square feet, an in-ground pool, a lovely new paint job and new landscape, totally changing the front of the house. And the interior… it must be gorgeous.

“Do you know who bought it?” I asked curious.

“They say that it’s a really rich family who just moved in the city.”

They had to be really rich to afford such a mansion.

“Do they have kids?” Tara asked, all excited at the idea that there would be new guys at school.

“Uh… I have no idea”, he admitted.

She started blabbing and I zoned out. She was probably trying to make out a plan to catch the attention of the newcomers. I rolled my eyes. Even if they had kids, they would probably go to the private school, with all their money. Besides, I didn’t want anything to do with those plans. I already had enough attention as it is. I turned to Ian, who wasn’t listening either.

“Where do you want to go?” He asked me. I smiled. Apparently [color=#FF0040]comma[/color]we were thinking the same thing.

“Anywhere she’s going to shut up.”

He laughed and we got up. Seeing that she was now alone, Tara jumped to her feet and ran after us.

“Uh, Guys?! Where are you going?”

Ian led the way to the out of the cafeteria and sat down on the floor, just outside the double doors. I slid down beside him, my back to the wall. People were rushing before us, getting out of the cafeteria to sit down outside on this beautiful day or just in the hallways. No one liked the cafeteria. It was loud and cold.

Some guys pushed through inside from the door that lead outside, talking loudly. They shouted after Ian and he motioned them forward. They sat down beside him, one of them squeezing in the small space between Ian's body and mine. I slid to the right, putting more distance between us. The guy shot me a look, flipping a football in his hands and I shrank back, pulling my knees tight against my chest. He turned back to the conversation and I relaxed. My head flopped down on my knees and I closed my eyes, waiting for time to pass. Always waiting. Soon, I told myself. Soon, it’d be all over.

The bell rang and I jumped, surprised. Ian was standing over me, hand extended. I took it and he lifted me up to my feet. The guys were gone, for some time I think, since I it had been quiet for a while. I fallowed Ian to his locker, we had maths together. The rest of my day passed normally. I was relieved when the bell rang, announcing the end of another long day of classes.
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 30338
Reviews 560
Review Part Two

Again, I like this. Something about the way it is written is really interesting to read, though this chapter didn't have as much of a hook as the last.

I think you need to slow down on these characters, though. You're bringing them in quite fast, but not spending enough time on them to really bring them to life. You did a great job of describing the white house simply by stating how unusual it seemed in a run-down neighbourhood. If you can capture youre characters in equally as short a time, you might be able to pull it off.

Again I will mention the sentence beginnings. I did this. We did that. Someone did this, then he did that. As far as I can tell at this point it's the only thing that brings your writing down.
We were born to be amazing.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1112
Reviews 45
Ok I really like your story. I am going insane wanting to know what happened to your MC. You might want to develop your characters some more though. This chapter does not have as uch hook as the first one but its still good. Just keep in mind some of the critics. Keep up the good work and keep writing. :)
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead :o <3



Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
— Captain James T. Kirk