Him- A poem

this is just a poem I wrote, spur of the moment (I know its bad>)



Him

Who is the one they call Him?
The one who broke the Queen’s heart?
Why did he render her so broken, she took out her soul and created the frozen heart?
Now she feels nothing and has no pain.
If only we could do that.
Remove our souls when they are unwanted,
And replace them when they are.


He wore the scarlet cape,
That is all we remember.

He wore the mask studded with diamonds,
That is all we recall.

He sang like an angel,
Danced like the devil.

He smiled a sweet smile,
His eyes twinkled.

He charmed the Queen so well,
She fell in love.

Then he fell out of love.
With her.

What a sad tale.

Now he returns,
To find his one true love
Without a soul.

Not remembering the love, she had for him.

Poor Him.

Alright what do you mean this is bad? It's amazing! Alright, a bit awkward, but I love the subject.

Him

Who is the one they call Him? This doesn't seem grammatically correct, it probably is, but it just seems awkward.

Remove our souls when they are unwanted,
And replace them when they are. This also seems a little awkward.


He wore the scarlet cape,
That is all we remember.

He wore the mask studded with diamonds,
That is all we recall.
You remember two things yet you say that you only remember one?






Then he fell out of love, it's two sentences
With her.

I don't know what to say. There are some grammar errors, but every one has them, watch out for cutting off sentences and such like that. Punctuation can be a weakness. You have talent that's just waiting to soar. It was a beautiful poem and speaks of truth that happens now, in this time as well. You did good.

I am currently too busy to review, but I'll say this: The title made me think it was a poem that made it out to sound as though you're actually nice to your boyfriends.