I never thought it would happen. Never. I thought I would forever be stuck with my mistake and forever be doomed to remember it was my fault. My fault...no one else's. People have told me, time and time again, that I am the kind of person to put the blame on another person, and I suppose they are right. But I couldn't this time, I couldn't find another person to blame. It was all my fault, and I knew it. But finally, the day of judgment came and went, and I was given another chance; the thing I wanted most.
I have always had commitment issues, in and out of my love life. The only thing I could commit to was my work. My pain staking, fantasy like work. I'm a well known painter, known all over the world but as "Reta High" instead of Taylor Delms. I did that on purpose, painting under a false name. I wanted my solitude, my privacy and for people to care about me for me, not for what I did or how much I made. But, I suppose, that is another flaw of mine. To be given something and not to expect to do anything in return. He knew that, and still he seemed to love me anyways.
His name is Jeff Wilder. He is my agent and my only true friend. We had an on and off, but never official relationship. He knew me the best, he was the one I usually cheated on my other partners with. He seemed to be the only one who could fulfill me; he was the one I wanted to spend the most time with.
But I didn't know this until it was almost too late. Jeff told me he didn't want to do this anymore.
"Do what?" I asked him, genuinely confused. I should have guess it at the time. We had just finished; I was lying in his bed, his sheet barely covering me while he was sitting on the edge of his bed, looking at his knees. I remember admiring his back, which had imprints of crescents set into his skin, where my nails made their mark. He still didn't look at me when he replied.
"I don't want to just be your toy anymore." I was shocked. No matter how I acted, I had never, never thought of him as my toy. This I tried to explain but he cut me off. "You're with Adam," he said, his voice sour. "You should be doing this with him...not me. I don't just want to be your toy."
Adam Fillis, it leaves a sour taste in my mouth just thinking about him. I'm sure saying his name would make me sick. He was a cowboy I met while I was at the art supply store. He was a gentleman and, at the time, that was a breath of fresh air. Tall, handsome, the man was the model of a woman's dream of a cowboy. He even owned horses and farm animals. He...wooed me, like any southern gentleman. We were together for almost two years. And we only did it twice, both times at my request. He was all for it but he never seemed to enjoy it and when I asked him about it, he would just smile and kiss me sweetly. No matter how much I dislike him now, I have to admit, he was a good kisser.
Jeff's words shocked me. When I had nothing to say, he sighed, picked up my clothes and tossed them too me. He then picked up his own clothes and began to dress.
"Jeff-" I began but he quickly cut me off.
"You should go," he said softly, but his voice has hard and commanding. I didn't argue, but I wanted to tell him that it wasn't true, he wasn't my toy, but he was something much more.
He left for a few years after that. Adam left me during that time, for some rodeo girl he competed with. I have to say, it was a relief to see him go. Sweet he was, but there is such a thing as too sweet. I dated and screwed with several others during that time, but I wasn't happy. I became abstinent for almost five months before I met Jeff again.
Jeff came back into my life in the most usual way. I was at an art expo to see how my painting was going at the auction. It was my most resent one. It was of a woman, sitting curled up in an open field, crying and it was raining. I almost didn't see him if I didn't spill my wine on him. He seemed happy to see me. We hugged and smiled (after I apologized a million times) and we were in each other's arms within the next few hours.
It was like old times, only, I was not using him to cheat on anyone. It was only us but we weren't together. And what happened next broke my heart more than I thought it would. It happened like the last time. We had just finished and we were lying in his bed together when he suddenly stood up and began to pace around the room.
"What's wrong?" I was generally concerned He had never acted like this. He turned to face me, his eyes met mine, and I knew he was about to say something I wasn't going to like.
"We can't do this anymore..." His words were soft, like before and I felt my heart sink.
"Why?"
He did not answer for a moment, seemingly fascinated with his feet. "I met someone," he finally said and my heart disappeared as it sank somewhere past my stomach. I didn't even wait for him to say anything to me. I gathered up my clothes, dressed and walked out, telling him to hold all my calls for the next week. I drank that night, in a bar and I cried my eyes out. It was then, in that moment or passive rejection, that I realized that I loved him.
For almost two months, we barely spoke. We said hello, asked how our days were and we interacted like anyone in a professional relationship. Then, he invited me to a party and, as I craved more time with him, I agreed.
At least, I thought it was a party.
When I arrived, no one was there but Jeff. He smiled at me, offered me some drinks and food and suddenly asked what I wanted to do. I was stumped, still confused about why he had invited me. When I asked him, the reply came out so fast, I believe now he was planing it.
"Truth or dare". I went first. He chose Truth and I asked him what I always asked when someone said truth first.
"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, at this very moment, what would it be?" I further explained that it didn't have to be sexual, it could be he wanted a burrito for all I cared. I hoped, prayed, it wasn't something sexual. When he finally answered, he said he wanted a hug. I reached into my purse and pulled out a Hershey's Hug chocolate. I handed it to him and he laughed. Then it was his turn and I chose dare. He told me to hold still, so I did. He walked over to me and pulled off my sweater. I blushed, hard. He smiled warmly at me and sat back down in his seat.
And thus the game went on. While I tried everything to keep the game innocent, he was determined otherwise. Soon he had stripped down to his boxers and I was sure my face was permanently red. Jeff continued to make advantages at me. He would wrap his arms around me, breath gently down my neck, causing shivers to run up and down my spine. He would press himself against me and I was sure I was going to break soon.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I thought I had said it in my head but by the way he stiffened then sighed, I had said it aloud.
"I want you," was what he said. "I want you so bad." He then sighed. "But its obvious you don't want me."
I turned my head slightly, so I could see him out of the corner of my eyes. "Who said I didn't want you?"
"I can just tell, by the way you are acting," he explained, beginning to unwrap his arms. My hands gently took hold of his wrist holding him there.
"I want you," I whispered. "But I thought...you were dating someone."
"I don't want to anymore."
"Why?"
"She's too damn violent." That wasn't as romantic as I thought it would be. I was expecting him to say "Because I love you" or "She isn't the one I want". But it was a good reason. I turned to face him and kissed his cheek. He turned his head so instead of kissing his cheek, I kissed his lips. It was heaven kissing him. It always had been but in my lust filled youth, I barely had noticed. But I noticed then and I pressed myself against him. One thing led to another and next thing i knew, we were rolling around, kissing each other, my clothes being pulled at, Jeff desperately wanting them off. I broke the kiss and lead him to his bedroom where our love making continued.
Jeff did break up with his girlfriend, almost losing an eye in the process. She came after me but I had the sense of calling the police. She is in jail now and I'm glad she is. She had obvious issues. But I could see why Jeff had gone out with her; she was quite good looking.
We had been together almost two years when it happened. I got pregnant. I was afraid to tell Jeff, afraid that he may accuse me of being a cheat and leave me. But he found out on his own. Why he was going through my bathroom garbage I will never know. But he didn't leave me. In fact, he did quite the opposite. He got down on his knee and pulled out a ring box. It was then and there, in my little bedroom, wearing nothing more then a pair of boxers, did he ask me to marry him. I flung my arms around him, shrieking my answer over and over again.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
We were married three months later and our daughter was born six months after that. It has been two years since that glorious day. We live in a small house in the country now with another little one on the way. I still paint under my false name and he still is my agent. I still wonder what would have happened if I never got my second chance with Jeff, if i had never seen him at that art convention and if I had never spilled my wine on him. (I will never tell him it wasn't an accident.) But as soon as I start to think about it I stop. What happened happened, and I'm glad it did. I am happier now then I ever have been and I know, deep in my heart and soul, it will only get better.
