Mystery Man [Ch. 2]

For those of you who haven't read Chapter 1 yet, here it is:

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post627513.html#p627513

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Cerinia looked toward the darkness of the trees, where the mystery man disappeared. I wonder if I should follow him... she thought to herself. After a few minutes of pondering, she gave in and began to approach the Forest of the Moon. As she wandered, lost, deeper into the forest, she began thinking of an old legend she'd heard when she was younger.

"The Forest of the Moon is said to hold some dark and mysterious secrets," her grandmother said as Cerinia curled closer into her. "It is said to have a large boulder protruding from the ground. Only, it's not really a boulder." Cerinia looked up at her grandmother with eyes full of curiosity."Then what is it, Grandma?" Her grandmother looked at her granddaughter seriously. "It is a very old stone. One that holds great power. There are stories going around about people who have amazing abilities that - " "Like Superman?" Cerinia asked with great enthusiasm. Her grandmother smiled, amused. "No, baby, not Superman." She grew serious once more. "They have many abilities; each one different from the next. Let's see..." she trailed off into thought, before continuing again. "There could be psychics, people with telepathic abilities, witches, and even Demons." At this, Cerinia let out a gasp and clutched her grandmother very tightly, squeezing her eyes shut tight.

Cerinia approached a clearing, and there, next to a large rock, stood the man. His back was turned toward her, but she knew it was him by the feeling she got in the deepest part of her stomach. She attempted to approach silently, but a branch snuck up underneath her bare feet, giving away her position. His head whipped to the side so fast, she stumbled. The look in his eyes was different. It was as though he was a lion feeding on his prey, and got interrupted. The fury in his eyes was like something she hadn't seen in the long time she had been alive. It slowly faded, though, giving away to a calm, deep blue. Seeing that the storm had passed, she slowly approached. Coming closer, she saw that his hand was placed on the rock, only, it was not a rock. No, not quite. It had a wonderful texture to it, smooth, yet kind of rough. Like a gem. Or a very old stone that held powerful magic. She remembered the memory of the old story her grandmother used to tell her, and looked from the stone to the man. Confusion etched on her face, she turned to him.
"May I ask what your name is?" she asked him.
"Nice to meet you too, Cerinia. My name is Christopher."
How did he know my name? The only time I have ever seen him was in my vision... she thought, squinting at him.
"How do you know me? Have we met before?" she questioned him, peering up at his wonderful eyes. She could drown in them, get lost in them forever. Remembering her goal, though, she shook her head slightly, and continued to stare at him.
"We have met before today. It was a long time ago, back when you were just a baby. I saw the amazing qualities in you, however, even at that young age. I could see that you were special," he told her, smiling.
He must be crazy. How could a stranger know this much about me? Special? I'm the most average person in my school.
"What were you doing with your hand on that stone?" she asked, getting back to business.
"Oh this?" he gestured to the stone on which his hand once was. "I was restoring my powers. Any person with a supernatural ability grows weak, and must restore their 'magic' you could call it. Otherwise, they would wither away into dust."
She stared at him and the stone, back and forth. She continued to wonder about how he could know about her, and the fact that she had an ability. She never knew what it was, she just figured it was a phase she was going through. After all, most of the stuff he'd told her was either in books she's read, or in stories that were told to her.

"So what does this have to do with me?" she asked him, wanting to get answers before her parents get home.
He peered at her, a smile at play on his lips. "Why, Cerinia, didn't you know? I'm your guardian."
Cerinia's jaw dropped. Guardian? Why would she need a guardian? Especially one as gorgeous as this one, as dreamy as him, and as mysterious as him.
As he saw the look on her face, he continued to explain, "You see, there's this group, The Silver Snakes, who hunt down ones with as powerful abilities as yours. They take their prey and torture them until they beg to die. At this request, The Silver Snakes take their victims and suck their ability right out of them. They put the essence of the power, and the person who had once held it, into a special box. With every person they capture, the stronger they grow. Once they capture enough, they could literally wipe both the supernatural and the human population. If they succeed, The Silver Snakes will own everything. That is why, Cerinia, I was assigned to take care of you. I am the only one left of us that is able to handle them, aside from you, once you harness you powers."
"Oh," is all she could say.
She waved bye to Christopher and walked out of the forest. Once she entered her house, she headed up to her room and shut the door. She turned and found, lying so innocently on her bed, a dark green cell phone. She opened it to find a note.

Cerinia,
Please use this phone to contact me if anything goes wrong. My number is the first one in the Contacts. I brought this here to your room immediatly after you left. Enjoy! You may use this for your own uses, but please, Cerinia, keep my number in here.
Your Protective Guardian,
Christopher Storme

I guess speed comes with supernatural abilities too Cerinia thought before laying down. She fell into a deep sleep. In her dreams, she had yet another vision, this one more horrible than the last.

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I will put the vision into the next chapter. Just thought I'd say that, before I get comments telling me I needed to put that in here. Thanks!

Hey there, great story! I loved the first chapter and thought this chapter was just as intruiging. The one thing I have to point out is that you changed tenses. Here is a quote from the beginning of the story:

Cerinia looked toward the darkness of the trees, where the mystery man disappeared. I wonder if I should follow him... she thought to herself. After a few minutes of pondering, she gave in and began to approach the Forest of the Moon. As she wandered, lost, deeper into the forest, she began thinking of an old legend she'd heard when she was younger.

Here you are using past tense, which I think is the easiest to write and also read. It just flows better.

Now here is a paragraph that I found very difficult to read.

The look in his eyes was different. It was as though he was a lion feeding on his prey, and got interrupted. The fury in his eyes was like something she hasn't seen in the long time she's been alive. It slowly faded, though, giving away to a calm, deep blue. Seeing that the storm has passed, she slowly approached. Coming closer, she sees that his hand is placed on the rock, only, its not a rock. No, not quite. It has a wonderful texture to it, smooth, yet kind of rough.

You'll notice that I underlined all of the words that changed your tense. Below you'll find the paragraph edited, with my corrections in red.

The look in his eyes was different. It was as though he was a lion feeding on his prey, and got interrupted. The fury in his eyes was like something she hadn't seen in the long time she had been alive. It slowly faded, though, giving away to a calm, deep blue. Seeing that the storm had passed, she slowly approached. Coming closer, she saw that his hand was placed on the rock, only, it was not a rock. No, not quite. It had a wonderful texture to it, smooth, yet kind of rough.

Which paragraph flows better? I think you should read through the rest of this chapter and fix these inconsitencies. Hopefully this has been helpful! If you need my help or have any questions feel free to PM me! Keep writing, I am excited to read more.

Hi twilight tiger,

I just read your two chapters back to back, so I’m going to do a joint review.

Overall, I found this story quite brief and confusing. The characterisation feels very shallow; we rarely learn what (if anything) the protagonist is thinking, and her emotional reactions (where she reacts at all) are quite simplistic. I feel like I’m not engaging with the protagonist and I’m struggling to follow the story when her reactions don’t make any sense.

For example, the protagonist has a vision. She has no reaction to this vision whatsoever. No thoughts, no feelings. She’s not shocked by it, so I assume having visions can’t be new to her, but she also doesn’t think about having had other visions in the past, so maybe I’m wrong there. She isn’t freaked out by this bizarre stuff that’s happening, and she doesn’t think again about anything that happened in her vision. Perhaps this is a mundane thing for her? Maybe she has the same vision every day and she’s bored by it? I can’t tell, because she has absolutely no reaction.

Consider these two possible paragraphs which could come after the vision:

1. She jolted back to reality. Jesus! What the hell just happened? The room stood silent around her, but she could still feel the wind against her face, the grass soft between her bare toes. Maybe she’d been dreaming. Maybe she was dreaming now. She poked the window; the glass dinged. That felt real.

2. She dragged herself out of the stupid vision with a growl. Every day the same nonsense. She couldn’t get rid of the visions no matter what she tried -- they came when she was asleep, when she was drunk, when she was trying to give a presentation in French class.

Both these examples establish the status quo regarding the protagonist’s vision: whether she’s had any before, if they’re always the same, how she feels about them. Your protagonist doesn’t react at all, so we know nothing.

After the vision, your protagonist walks outside and into a scene straight from her vision. Everything happens exactly as she viewed it -- the man is there, she’s wearing the same dress, etc. Once again, the protagonist has little to no reaction. I just can’t buy that anyone would have a vision and then walk into the exact same scene and not wonder about that at all. Is she having a vision again, or is it (and he) real? Is she having hallucinations or delusions or is she an undiagnosed schizophrenic? Is she drunk? Did she get into a car crash and now she’s in a coma? Is this an elaborate prank for some kind of Candid Camera show? The protagonist just never seems to wonder about anything. Even when she’s teleported closer to him for no apparent reason she feels nothing. She’s not in the least bit surprised or shocked or disconcerted to be teleported around. And after a huge revelation about a bunch of bad guys who torture people, her sole reaction is “Oh”.

A protagonist who feels nothing and thinks nothing, who fails to react in convincing human ways, is not truly a protagonist. She’s just a puppet of the plot who gets moved around into the necessary places to move the plot forward.

Ultimately, I can’t follow such a story.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Karsten

PS: The original story is attached with line edits.

Chapter 2 finally! Just kidding. You were pretty quick with posting it. I'm a bit late. Now, on with the review.

Develop Cerinia more. I agree with the other reviewer who said Cerinia seems to do whatever is necessary for the plot. I don't know how Cerinia feels about everything that's happen to her. I need more emotion. Think of what you'd do if you were Cerinia and use that to help you chose realistic reactions. I also want to know more about her Cerinia's background. Where does she live? What's her family like? Try giving this info in little doses throughout the story. Another thing. I've never read Twilight series, but the plot of your story seems similar to it based on what I've heard about the series.

Address those things and keep writing. The story still has me hooked.

I haven't looked at this in ages, and honestly, I sort of forgot the whole plot I had going for this! So I just sort of dropped it all together. Sorry guys!