A Needle in the Haystack

A Needle in the Haystack

The hay of a million wordless experiences
Presents itself to your fingertips,
As you gradually unpick your way.

Its golden streaks obstruct your forfeited perspective,
Stealing the fragments of your attention,
As your memories caress the havens of your logic.

You know you're close now; it’s written in your gut
But the undeniable constant of humanity holds you back,
As you gradually unpick your way
Through the memories and havens of logic.


- Ben Franks, 2011

Hey, saw the title of your piece. I don't know why, it just really attracted me. I was drawn. Needle in a haystack always fascinated me. It seems so absurdly possible. Anyways, awesome job. Great descriptions on everything. Great metaphors too. I can't really think of a word to describe it; though it's good. It's just so...I don't know. It's really good nonetheless. Don't misinterpret that, I love it. I just can't seem to get the words out, sorry. But, great descriptions on it. So sorry I couldn't say more. Keep writing, doll.

BenFranks wrote:[size=130]The hay of a million wordless experiences Not sure I like "wordless."
Presents itself to your fingertips,
As you gradually unpick your way. Interesting.

Its golden streaks obstruct your forfeited perspective, Long line. Kind of a rhythm-breaker. I would split it into a least two.
Stealing the fragments of your attention,
As your memories caress the havens of your logic. Love this description...Abstract, no doubt, but good.

You know your close now; it’s written in your gut "Your" should be "you're." Also, I'm not particularly sure I like your use of "gut." It does not seem to fit the rest of the poem. How about "intuition," instead?
But the undeniable constant of humanity holds you back,
As you gradually unpick your way
Through the memories and havens of logic. Again, your description is marvellous

I'm sorry if this review was short. I hope it proved useful.

-Kafka

Well, hello there my friend. The name of your poem attracted me because I just wrote a poem and used the phrase (A needle in a haystack) in it. So this did indeed intrigue me. I really like the simplicity of the piece and yet how it is so complex at the same time.

I think the flow is beautiful here. To be honest I don't really see anything error wise that I can comment on. I feel so useless here, but I had to make a comment.

Well, you never dissapoint Ben! I can't wait to read more of your works.

-Flow-

Benji! And so begins my trawl of your poetry ...

The hay of a million wordless experiences
Presents itself to your fingertips,
As you gradually unpick your way.

For me, the first line seems a little bit off. You seem to be trying to say something, but it comes off as meaningless and I'm not sure I like it. What particular effect does 'wordless' have on this line? I don't really see what you were trying to say with it. Also, the way you immediately present your metaphor by stating what the hay is meant to be doesn't really sit well with me - if you're trying to present the metaphor then I always feel that it's better when it's integrated and subtle. However, I really like the last line - it's quite simple but works in a sweet way.

Its golden streaks obstruct your forfeited perspective,
Stealing the fragments of your attention,
As your memories caress the havens of your logic.

Very lovely, actually. It all flows nicely, and I'm a fan of the longer line at the start. I like how it moves into a more focused viewpoint here, homing in on memories. I'm not so sure how logic comes into it yet, it feels like you're adding in too much at once. However, the line is beautifully crafted.

You know you're close now; it’s written in your gut
But the undeniable constant of humanity holds you back,
As you gradually unpick your way
Through the memories and havens of logic.

The first line I don't think fits with the rest of your poem. I've felt like the rest floats along, focusing at some points but at others just flowing gracefully. But this line is very direct, and the word 'gut' is too blunt and doesn't go with the rest. I wouldn't recommend keeping it.
You second line is, I think, unnecessary. What is this undeniable constant, and why on earth would it hold someone back? If you want to develop it then it might work, but not as a line on it's own.
The other two lines are lovely.

Overall I really enjoyed this! It's quite abstract in a way, and it felt a little lost when you tried to be too focused and bring too many things into this poem, when it's lovely and graceful without the clever line about humanity. Really well done.

Hope this helps!