A Tainted Window

Why do you look out
from a tainted window?

Why do you wear shoes
Crushing the dewy green grass
Beneath your mud encrusted heals?

Why do you clog up your ears,
Listening to mortals whining about lost love
When the birds are in chorus and chirping blithely,
About the beauty of the moment?

Why do you wear sunglasses
When everything glitters and glimmers
In the brilliant splendor of the sun?

Why do you spray chemical scents
Around you in the air,
Just when the aroma of roses and rain
Is wafting through.

Why do you look out
From a tainted window?

Release your senses,
draw in everything that surrounds you,
And I shall ask,
What reason do you have to be so gloomy?

I liked this piece. THere are a couple things I would change though:

1) Take out some of the questions. Don't delete them, just make it so they're sentances and not questions.

2) The last verse should be switched with the one before it. It sounds weird because the poem comes full circle with the second tainted window verse, but then there is something tacked on to the end.

3)In the last line, the word "gloomy" sounds very out of place. You've got this really nice, lyrical feel going on and then the last word hits like an ugly brick.

4) THe fifth verse seems really out of place. Again, it's that you have this great language running through the poem and then "chemical scents" comes, and its a really clunky phrase.

All in all, this is good. You should really countinue to work on it.

This is a very true poem is very true.

Too many people look out of a 'tainted window'. My only advice is, if possible to find a stronger end word. Gloomy sends the message, but maybe a harsher tone will send the message across.

Whatever you do, know that this poem is really terrific. I look forward to see posts like this in the future!

True about the things people do today...but we are not hippies. but your poem is really good.


1st if i was you i would change the why statments around and us other words.

2nd i would put more emotion into and show us what we are missing out on

3rd make us want to do all these things that we dont.

make the reader want to keep reading because when you repeat words it gets a bit boring


this piece is very good though i liked it

Why do you look out
from a tainted window?

Great, strong starting sentence. It makes me immeditaely wonder.

Why do you wear shoes
Crushing the dewy green grass (Dewy sounds a bit weirdly placed, but technically it works.)
Beneath your mud encrusted heals?

Why do you clog [s]up[/s] your ears,
Listening to mortals whining about lost love
When the birds are in chorus and chirping blithely,
About the beauty of the moment?

Love, love this stanza. It's beautiful.

Why do you wear sunglasses
When everything glitters and glimmers
In the brilliant splendor of the sun?

The 'sunglasses' and then 'sun' seems a bit repetitive to the eye and when I read it in my head. But, I'm not sure how else you'd word this, so I suppose it isn't really a big deal.

Why do you spray chemical scents
Around you in the air,
Just when the aroma of roses and rain
Is wafting through.

Ooh, I like this stanza too. I agree with another reviewer that 'chemical scents' seems a bit off, but, like my last note, there's nothing else I can think of to substitute it with. So, don't worry about it. This is a wonderful poem.

Why do you look out
From a tainted window?

Release your senses,
draw in everything that surrounds you,
And I shall ask,
What reason do you have to be so gloomy?

I also agree with some other reviewers that you should switch the second-to-last stanza with the last, since it's a much better, full-circle closing. 'Gloomy' shouldn't be a problem if you switch the stanzas since you won't be ending on it anymore.

I thought this was a wonderful poem. The words flow beautifully, and the meaning is very clear even though you keep us transfixed with imagery and pretty phrases. It's so easy to lose meaning while trying to make your poem sound eloquent and impressive, but you balance it out perfectly.

Gold star, definately!

~Evi

mizz-iceberg wrote:Why do you look out
from a tainted window?

Why do you wear shoes,
Crushing the dewy green grass
Beneath your mud-encrusted heals?

Why do you clog up your ears,
Listening to mortals whining about lost love
When the birds are in chorus and chirping blithely, no comma
About the beauty of the moment?

Why do you wear sunglasses
When everything glitters and glimmers
In the brilliant splendor of the sun?

Why do you spray chemical scents
Around you in the air, no comma.
Just when the aroma of roses and rain
Is wafting through?

Why do you look out
From a tainted window?

Release your senses,
draw in everything that surrounds you,
And I shall ask:
What reason do you have to be so gloomy?

Alrighty. Sorry for not introducing myself before the edit - I'm Ear, and I'll be your reviewer for today/tonight (not sure what time it is where you are). Overall, I really like this I like the question you repeated: "why do you look out from a tainted window?" It adds to the overall atmosphere of the poem and feeling of settling for less than what's actually in your grasp. Nice touch.

Bold: I bolded words that had what seemed to be a weaker area of word choice/phrasing. Some of the words you chose to incorporate in your piece technically work, but they don't sound very poetic and don't sound as if they match the tone you're trying to set in the poem. I would suggest looking up some adjectives for some of your words/coming up with an alternate phrasing, but really it's up to you as you are the writer.

Red: In red, I just took the time to make a couple of punctuation changes. There were a couple of places where you had commas that caused the reader to pause, but the sentence could still carry on. Taking them out just made the read a bit smoother, in my opinion. Other than that, the rest was just minor punctuation changes. No biggie.

Green: Green isn't necessarily something you have to change, as I know of many writers who capitalize the beginning of every line. While, technically, doing so is allowed in poetry, in my opinion it makes poems sound a tad choppy sometimes and takes away from the fluidity of the piece that every writer is trying to accomplish. Usually it just sounds and appears more natural to treat your lines like normal sentences; if you're still in the middle of a sentence, don't capitalize your words when continuing on to the next line. But, again, you're the writer, so it's ultimately your choice

Again, overall, I really enjoyed reading this. Regardless of the polishing that needs to be done (but we all need to improve here, right?), you convey your thoughts pretty well Great work, and keep it up!

Spoiler

Sorry, not very helpfull review.

mizz-iceberg wrote:Why do you look out
from a tainted window?

Why do you wear shoes
Crushing the dewy green grass
Beneath your mud encrusted heals?

Why do you clog up your ears,
Listening to mortals whining about lost love I agree, but not all songs are about love. Most are, but not all.
When the birds are in chorus and chirping blithely,
About the beauty of the moment?

Why do you wear sunglasses
When everything glitters and glimmers
In the brilliant splendor of the sun?

Why do you spray chemical scents
Around you in the air,
Just when the aroma of roses and rain
Is wafting through. I prefer natural smells too, but some body spays etc. smell nice.

Why do you look out
From a tainted window?

Release your senses,
draw in everything that surrounds you,
And I shall ask,
What reason do you have to be so gloomy?We're not all gloomy.

Overall I liked it. It is a good poem. Keep writing!