Earthquake

Spoiler

This is a short piece that goes towards my homework on Earthquakes

A tear,
A cry,
A scream
of mine

A bang,
A screech,
A clang
to teach

The maimed
The dead,
The injured
we dread

This is good, and I'm sure your teacher will think this is awesome
But... to me, I can't REALLY feel anything... I just see a jumble of adjectives.
It's still good. These adjectives still associate with earthquakes really well
But perhaps you could just work on the poetry aspect of this a bit more.

As part of a big homework on earthquakes, however...
Good job! Xx

This poem showed emotion through the varity of techniques ehich you used such as onomatopoeia, rhyme, and a regular beat and pattern.

Although it could be a bit longer as I thought it was so short that it didn't really set much of an atmosphere. Try buliding on the 5 different senses rather than just sticking the easiest ones such as hearing and sight.

Well done!!

As per critique sandwich rules, I enjoy that it is short. I don't like poems that go on and on and on and say nothing.

However, I also don't like poems that are short and still say nothing.

I read the poem without reading the spoiler, and I'm not feeling emotionally connected to it. It is simply too short. It also ends very abruptly, so I'm not sure what to feel at the end of it.

Then I read the spoiler. Earthquakes, got it. I re-read it thinking of earthquakes. Still nothing. I'm not sure what is supposed to be related to the earthquakes and what isn't.

Catri wrote:A tear,
A cry,
A scream
of mine

This is confusing because what belongs to who? I can infer that the scream is "mine," but who's tear? Who's cry? And why should I care?

A bang,
A screech,
A clang
to teach

If this is the earthquake, it's very short. I don't know if you've ever been in an earthquake, but they don't just come and go; they come and last a while. Things fall, things break, things are chaotic. Also, "to teach" what? What lesson can be inferred from an earthquake.

The maimed
The dead,
The injured
we dread

Why are we dreading the dead, injured, and maimed? Are we dreading seeing the destruction? Are we dreading that we'll see loved ones in the dead? Are we afraid they'll rise up and attack us? I don't understand.

And that's the end. But why end it there? There's no closure, there's no reflection, there's no feeling. It's pretty empty.

If this hasn't been turned in yet, I would flesh it out. Like, a lot. Don't make it all flowery or anything, but add something that would make me feel sympathetic to victims of an earthquake. It's a good start: it's just very empty.

Hope that helped,
kf

Wow, I really like this piece of poetry.
Its simple yet powerful. I do however think you could of added more verses cause, though I know its meant to be short, I would of liked to have read more. It's beautiful.
And its like, it didnt need a great deal of detail either. A good structured piece.
Well done!

Hey Guys Thanks for all of your reviews as they really helped.

The piece is part of a letter that a child sends to her penpal after the mass destruction. We have one month to complete it, so this definitely isn't the only part. My plan was also a piece of artwork that the penpal sends in response, as well as a load of letters, so a lot more detail will be placed in those.

However, I take all your points on board - I will try and add the other senses to it, as well as flesh it out a little more. It was written in five minutes at the end of the lesson when we meant to make a start. I just thought I'd get some critique for it. Thank you for all your responses; it will very much help me when I come to start fleshing everything out on paper.

Thanks!
- Catri

Hi Catri.

First, punctuation at the end of the first stanza - it's not enjambement - it's just a mistake having nothing.
I like that this is a faceless poem, in that an earthquake causes such vast damage, people become statistics and a face among the crowd. That's the only thing that interested me.

A very basic rhyming scheme, and it seems chosen because it was the only one you could regulate. It has no effect on the text, nor the techniques used throughout. Perhaps try bulking it out, and adjusting the rhythm to match.
All in all, the text does feel bland, because of how vague everything is. Some see this as a good thing, but I'm viewing this as a raw poem, and disregarding the fact it's for your project, because I'm just cool and neutral about stuff like that, and it would be defeatest to give you a pre-favourable bias.

My advice is to expand, and alter your rhythm, then maybe this poem could be a good one for all to read.
~Elder

A little short but a good poem, i likt that you took something like homework which normally would be boring for people and turned it into a fun poem, that was a good idea:) simple short and sweet which is good though when dealing with earthquakes you could have put in some personal event maybe some obsticle that you have come across as being the earthquake itself when i saw the tittle thats what i thought the poem would be about, its a good idea but your poem is still good:)

I liked it. I'm sure you'll get a really good mark for it on your homework. Well done. Keep writing!