Sample of My Writing Skill please comment 'Who am I really?'

I wonder,
Who am I?
I wonder,
Where am I going?
What will become of me as I sit and ponder?

Listening to the chorus of an undying careless breeze,
I sit and question such things.

From across the stretches of a sunburnt land,
The wind echoes and chants as it sings my name.

With a wide smile and a generous warmth,
the sunshine lets out a chorus of hope.

A cold fear brushes my shoulder,
as I prepare for a dive into shallow water.

A storm of lightning errupts and awakes,
my brave wave crashes and seperates.




**Ok made the changes, see how it is now.

Thanks.

WOW...his is a bad represetation of my writing ability, but, think it demonstrates voice...somewhere in there...I wrote it on the spot. sue me. i just want sombody to talk to me...what do i have to do?

Hi there--
so I think this is good. You have nice imagery and emotion, and a nice word choice to portray what you want to.

However, I have a suggestion, a rather large one.

Structure.

This, as it is right now, seems more like a stream of thought (or, stream of images and emotions) than anything else. Giving this structure would really aid in keeping everything coherent and keeping the rhythm how you want it. Right now, these kind of feel like run-on sentences that are just streaming images to the reader, and I will say, I got a little bit confused at one point when it continued on and on.

Now, as I stated before, I think this is good. It's just the structure (or lack thereof) that draws away from your words. I see that you're new, and if you want, you can go up to the top right corner and click the "Edit" button to restructure this if you want. If you need any help with the mechanics of structuring poetry, feel free to PM me, and I'd be glad to help.

Overall, good job!
-Coral-

OH HELLO!!!

Please, please, please! reply back to me, nobody i have posted to has replied.This place is dead. i thank you so much for your kind criticism, and i completely understand exactly what you mean, however i wasn't really looking for it to make too much sense, I sort of was just treaming images...I just wanted to post something people here would respond to. My normal dialogue didn't seem to be working. Where is everyone? and why can't I see any new posts?

Thanks.

I really enjoyed this actually. Do not be too hard on yourself InsipiredWriter! You do have the talent! I would love to see you make this into the beginning paragraph of a story of some kind. I did enjoy this. Keep up the good work!

This is a really inventive little thing! When I read this, I could feel, what was going on, too... This whole descriptive little emotional piece of writing was truly inspirational, however, just one thing...
I wouldn't really call this a poem. It just doesn't sound like a poem. And it's not in any kind of poem format.
But that's the only critisism I had to make!
This is good! Goood job
Keep up the awesome descriptions!Xxx

Hey there, Inspired!

I liked this little piece with its fresh imagery. However, there are a number of problems in here, one being the black spot already pointed out by Persy: the structure. Now, while this has the wording and purple-esque tone of poetry, it doesn’t have any of the structure to make it as such. See, this seems to me like a very purple paragraph rather than a poem, so perhaps you should try giving breaks to the lines instead of having it all in one chunk. Experiment; find your form.

Second of all, some bits of the piece flow quite poorly, the first example being the very first sentence.

I sometimes wonder who I am, where I’m going and what will become of me as I sit and wonder listening to the chorus of an undying careless wind, blowing so freely, stronger and stronger across the stretches of sunburnt land that want to be far away.

…see what I mean? Now, this poor flow is very easily fixed, and I want you to take these tips and try to apply them to your work for now on; after all, it’s all about getting better.

Tip one: avoid run-on sentences by mastering your punctuation. Go through your piece and find out where you need to fix your grammar; I would tell you myself, but that won’t give you much chance to think!
Tip two: read your piece out loud and figure out where you just need to stop a sentence. There’s nothing wrong with breaking things up, and in this case, it’s highly recommended.

Tip three: keep your words fresh, and try to avoid repeating a word to describe something twice the same way. As in, you say, “stronger and stronger,” in the first sentence, but it doesn’t do anything special by repeating.

And that’ll do it for now for my review. Note that I avoid nit-picks (very rare for me), so if you want something more in-depth or another review on another work, just let me know! Welcome to YWS; I hope you have a great time here!

-Lumi

Thanks for the comments everyone. I will edit my piece and get it to a better quality by adding structure in a poem form. Also, Lumi I'll take aboard your 'stronger and stronger' tip about repeating. Thanks again.

Um, yeah, basically I agree with everyone else. Structure and format. It needs to look like a poem as well as sound like a poem. I think that's really the only thing wrong--the actual text is fantastic and I enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Yo, Spire! Here to review

Alright, I generally like the language that you used in this poem because it really made it match the topic that you were talking about. I also like the structure of it, and how you've used two line stanzas because it gives it that poetic energy

I wonder who I am... Alright, I don't particualary like the ellipse here, it maked the thing sound longer than it needs to be
I wonder where I am going... As above ^^
What will become of me as I sit and wonder?

I like this as a beginning to the poem, although when I first read it I thought it was a rather cliche idea, but reading all of the poem, you've kind of changed it into your own thing.

Listening to the chorus of an undying, careless wind,

From across the stretches of a sunburnt land,
The wind echoes and chants as it sings my name.

I don't konw if you've done this on purpose, but these two words don't rhyme. Have you made sure it doesn't rhyme because it's the middle stanza? Or what?

as I prepare for a dive into no water.

OVERALL:
I did enjoy this poem, it had a good feel to it and I could sense some emotions. Was it supposed to rhyme? Because I could hear some rhymes, or as it all just one big coincidence. See, now, if it wasn't supposed to rhyme then I think you need to change a few words to, well, non-rhyming words. One of my concerns is the flow of this poem because I couldn't sense much rhymth. And now, I'm sorry to cut this review short, but I have to go.

Keep Writing!
~Tamara
x

Hey Spire! Here is your review, as promised.

InspiredWriter wrote:I wonder who I am... I'm not sure I particularly like the ellipses here or on the following line. Only in very, VERY rare circumstances should ellipses be used in poetry.
I wonder where I am going...
What will become of me as I sit and wonder? You use the word "wonder" quite a bit in this stanza. Could you say "ponder" instead?
This stanza could be better. You don't have to do this, for, as my friend Earendil says, you're the one with the ideas in your head, but here is how I would write it:

I wonder,
Who am I?
I wonder,
Where am I going?
What will become of me as I sit and ponder?


Listening to the chorus of an undying careless wind, Perhaps "breeze" would be better here.
I sit and wonder such a thing. Hmm. I wonder...could you perhaps switch this with "speculate?" Same "wonder" problem.

From across the stretches of a sunburnt land,
The wind echoes and chants as it sings my name.

With a wide smile and a generous warmth,
the sunshine lets out a chorus of hope.

A cold fear brushes my shoulder,
as i prepare for a dive into no water. Couple things here. Firstly, the I should be capitalized (small typo, I do it a lot myself), and secondly, the term "no water" is a little confusing...could you say "the riverbed" instead?

A storm of lightning errupts and awakes,
my brave wave crashes and seperates.

Interesting poem. I definitely enjoyed reading it. You are truly a master of imagery and personification. Do not get the wrong idea with all the red marks. I really did love it. Keep it up, by all means.

-Kafka

This is spectacular! I honestly can't think of any criticism. Good work! I'm glad you took into account my review, but did not simply go with whatever I said. "Shallow water" is much better than anything I could've thought up, and your use of "question" is great as well.

-Kafka