Evolution Solution

minecraft wrote:problem? you need the Solution of Evolution,
once there was a little fish swimming in the sea,
but he saw the ocean as a cage and just wanted to be free,
so he grew a pair of legs and started to climb on land,
with his legs and arms he crawled from the water to the sand,
so he got pretty cold whenever there was a storm,
[color=#FF0040]so a grew a bit of fur to keep himself warm, shouldn't it be "so he grew"?
he thought to himself what am i going to eat?
until he saw his friend and thought about eating meat,
then he thought from the sky it's easier to fight,
so he grew a pair of wings and flew into the night,[/color]
Like Batman.

Great poem! It's hard to make the poem rhyme. You did a great job at getting the rhyme nice and good. But I don't get how the Solution of Evolution is related to the fish in the sea. You might want to somehow make it connect.

Other than that, this is wonderful and brilliant! Keep writing!

I like how you made use of the colors. It was a nice touch.

That said, your capitalization and punctuation were inconsistent, which is a shame because I think that having more consistent capitalization and punctuation would really benefit this poem. Right now, it just reads as one jumble of colored events, which isn't exactly easy to read.

For example, the first line could be punctuated like this:

Problem? You need the Solution of Evolution:

Having the colon at the end makes the list of events fit better since colons are usually found in front of lists, while having proper capitalization gives the line a more professional and infomercial-y feel.

Capitalization and punctuation aside, there was only one other issue I had with the poem, and that was the last line:

Like Batman.

This line felt like it came out of nowhere. I suggest removing it entirely, or else scattering hints to Batman throughout the rest of the poem. It will make this last line feel more like part of the poem rather than tacked on just to be funny.

just thought id tell you, this was a joke thing really, I wrote what came to me, honestly it took all of 10 minutes and the fish is related because everything evolved from fish like creatures. The Batman was supposed to hint at it not really being done seriously, but I appreciate your comments and next time I believe I will make a much more structured approach. thanks guys

I liked the actual poem, I found it funny actually! It's just the rhyme scheme that threw me off. It doesn't match in syllable numbers at all. I like the rhyming words on the end, but just simply reading the poem it sounded off with the syllables. Just a couple grammar mistakes here and there which should be checked over again, over all it was a cute poem and I liked it!

Keep writing!