Sugar

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a poem which was intended to be part of my anthology (:
i've already redrafted five times since it was just a note on my phone, but a sixth time can't harm xP

----

The thought of your fairytale tomorrows
(still fresh on your face)
entices you- a teeth-smile for the postman,
sugared milk for the cat; you’re on your way. The world needs a little sugar,
you say.
The flowers didn’t look so sweet, you
explain, as you empty the fourth spoonful into the vase.

They droop a sorry agreement, moribund.
You panic, explain, I was only trying to help.
the rose fades, staining the water crimson,
watercolour.
You get the hint.
You are most certainly not forgiven.

the school rush; each car reduced to just a blur,
roaring in unison, guzzling the remains of some
dead creature from billions of years ago.
they're made to kill. you don't see that, just see gazelles,
fleeing from a hungry cheetah somewhere.

and in the playground, a child claims independence,
whilst you explain that we are all dependant,
at the very least, upon gravity.
Her icy blue rebellion scalds your ears.
She is just a speck on a sunset panorama now.

Return home to the silence of wilted flowers,
the cacophony of main roads
and realise
the world was never quite as sweet
as you had wished.
i never met a more impossible girl.




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Very emotional! it is always good to write about emotions we've all experienced. This seems to me, to be a journey from innocent dreamer to a grown person just trying to make it, which is what happens to each of us. Thank you! very extraordinary and original piece. You are gifted! thank you




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Heya,
This was an interesting piece of poetry. Well written, no doubt, and had a lot of emotion in it. For the most part, it seemed bitter with a flavour of irony. My favorite part would be this one:
the school rush; each car reduced to just a blur,
roaring in unison, guzzling the remains of some
dead creature from billions of years ago.
they're made to kill. you don't see that, just see gazelles,
fleeing from a hungry cheetah somewhere.

Really well worded, fresh, original and true.

The whole piece had a good pick of words, the "mood" of the words were right aaaand... I liked it. ^^
Good job!

|Life|
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
-------
The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
-------
◥▶◀◤




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thank you very much (:

ah, that stanza was literally just written in as i was about to submit xD i felt like there was something missing between time periods ^^; i'm glad it was okay (:
i never met a more impossible girl.




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Cacophony. I adore that word like no other. In general, the vocabulary in this is just lovely.

This was charming :] The third stanza especially. You are brilliant and this is pretty and I like it and I like you.




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NIKKI<3

you are biased though. you biased person.

POST STUFF. and yes, cacophony is wonderful, but my love is with "orchestral" right now.
i never met a more impossible girl.




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Points 1040
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I love the style that you have, it has the ability to draw a reader in through intruige and interest.
this piece is very emotional and I appreciate the vivid imagery you have portayed.
I can't wait to see what other pieces you can produce to be honest.



Every time I’ve gotten feedback that was hard to take it was usually hard to take because there was truth in it and I didn’t like that (or didn’t want to receive it). That’s not to say all harsh feedback is good or that we should be harsh for harshness’ sake, but learning to absorb truth without letting it break your inner core/break you is a lifelong skill that keeps your mind elastic and open to learning.
— soundofmind