Lamppost

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Points 827
Reviews 45
Sombre streets of flooded yellow,
dim crusted lime, scarlet red as blood,
pavement melted , molded black,
dripping with the crimson splash.

Lamppost,
where the tree once stood.
Light source,
replaced the sun.
Sleek but old,
dead but young.
Whispered voices,
softly sung.

Cracks left of silent footsteps,
Come now, quick now,
blue shall become gray.
Steel and flaked, the metal world,
sing to me today.

Lamppost,
where the birds once flew.
Light source,
those burning eyes.
Dead is the sound,
a memory now,
haunting, shattering
forever.

Murdered forest of cracks and edges,
sharply turned, smashed in, shatters
of solid, clear water left so careless.
Billowed clouds of foul ashes,
twisting among the lost spirits.

Lamppost,
where the air was clear.
Light source,
all we held dear
now only teardrops
come falling down,
now only dead-sung,
voices so sacred.

Footsteps dropping the mourning music,
breaths so deep of ghosts so sullen.
The days have lost,
the nights have won.
But no wolves are singing,
no owls bringing
the lost mystery of ever
to share in the dim.

Lamppost,
where the life once lived,
Light source,
where the sun once hid.
Waterfalls of broken minds,
bleeding hearts
of what divine?

Gaping wound of scarlet, crimson,
wash the lime, dull the lemon.
Tatters soaring on the wind,
tilted wings of ragged feathers
once of brilliance,
once of wonder.

Lamppost,
oh, lamppost,
chosen too quick our fate,
too long our suffer,
for where you are now,
so tall, so sleek,
was where the last tree,
-the last tree-
once stood.
I dream by day.




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Points 827
Reviews 45
I'm sorry to bump this but I would really like some feedback on it. I spent a long time on this poem.
I dream by day.




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Gender Female
Points 12611
Reviews 321
Ok, since you have generously commented on two of my poems, I believe I owe you a review. Forgive me if my review is choppy, but I am going to have to copy and paste line for line. (seeing as there is no quote button now)

Sombre streets of flooded yellow, When you say sombre here the colors I think of are dark. Since it seems the same thing as somber you would think of something dark. Yellow is a very happy color.

dim crusted lime, scarlet red as blood, I feel like you are painting a sunset here, I'm not quite sure but the thing with the lime doesn't really make sense to me. If you are indeed painting the picture of a sunset the color green has nothing to do with that.

pavement melted , molded black, I'm not sure about this but the comma threw me off here. I suppose it doesn't matter which way you have it but adding a conjunction here might help it being so awkward.

dripping with the crimson splash. I think the word crimson is overused here. I think finding another word for dark red would sound better. It just seems repetitive to use the same word twice. Also I'm not really sure what you mean. I may just be being dumb, but why would the road be covered in a crimson splash unless someone died there.

where the tree once stood. I like this and I feel that it has a whole different meaning. It does to me anyway.

replaced the sun. I think replacing would sound better. Wouldn't it be replacing the moon as well instead of the sun?

Whispered voices, This and the line following it made no sense to me. The voices have nothing to do with what you were just talking about. It seems somewhat jumpy.

Cracks left of silent footsteps, Instead of saying of in this shouldn't it be from? Even then cracks wouldn't be left from silent footsteps. It would take something big and loud to make cracks in the ground.

blue shall become gray. At first you gave the illusion of a sunset and now the sky is blue. I don't like the change.

where the birds once flew. I don't like this line, just for the reason that the lightpost doesn't hinder the birds flights. It's not that big and birds fly pretty high. If anything it would give them a place to rest.

Throughout the rest of the poem I was proven right, I did get the point of it. I do really like this to. I like how your meaning is somewhat a secret at first and how the length is used to the advantage. I don't like the things I commented on above. In a poem you need the reader to understand almost everything. Going back later and telling them what ou mean does no good. You have to know just what to say and how to say it while getting your point across.

I can tell you spent a good deal of time on this, and I do love it. I think that making a few corrections would clear some things up though.

Also bumping things up is against site rules I do believe. In order to get reviews on your works all you have to do it go to Will Review For Food. LINK: forum188.html
Here you can post a link to your poem under someone's thread and ask them if they will review it for you. You can't however post a thread saying that you want it reviewed. It has to be under another persons thread. For example I have one on there somewhere and you could go on my and post a link to what you want reviewed.

Ok well I think I'm done here. I do appologize for not giving a line by line review. I don't really think it's needed though.

Hope I helped!

-Flow-
My reality comes to a close as I once again realize that you don't love me, and even if I love you with my everything you will never care.





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Gender None specified
Points 827
Reviews 45
I'm describing an old street, full of cracks, dim, sombre yellow lights over a dark road. The traffic lights are green, red and yellow, the lamppost replaced the dying sun and stars due to light pollution, the birds no longer fly because the sky has turned grey from all the pollution.

It's a poem about when humans are gone. You're not supposed to understand, that was my goal. I hate it when people always tell you what they're describing. Why describe it then?

I like to guess. You did get it all wrong, there is no sunset or anything, but it was a good guess. Yellow is not always happy, dim yellow over a dark street seems pretty sombre to me. The red comes from the traffic lights.

Also, the cracks come from long gone footsteps which are now silent. It is safe to say I was simply using a metaphor for ghosts that now walk those cracks, they are of the cracks.
I dream by day.



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