The Cost of Love

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Liz choked on the scream that she had been about to release, not wanting to give him the satisfaction that he craved.

“I want you to call my name and scream when I’m inside you,” he hissed into her ear.

Liz just bit her tongue and tried to stop the tears from spilling over, knowing he would only take her harder if he saw them. Her grip on the sheets tightened as he increased his speed, thrusting harder into her. He was almost finished, she knew, because he always gave all his strength when he was nearing the end.

With one final thrust he catapulted himself over the edge, and collapsed on top of her, crushing her into the mattress. She took his weight gratefully, turning her head so as not to smell the stench of his breath.

Liz waited out the few minutes that it took him to regain his strength enough to pull out and roll off of her. She rolled onto her side away from him and curled her legs up, once again ashamed of what she had become, she had had promise, a great future, and it had all been torn away in a single night.

She shifted so she could pull her nightgown down around her feet and slowly started to get off the bed. Her feet hit the cold floor, and she tiptoed to the door, opening and closing it silently. She hurriedly walked down the hall to her door at the end of the hall.

She closed the door and sat on the edge of her bed, and let the unshed tears flow freely. She turned her head, and, through her tears, looked down on the sleeping form on the other side of the bed.

Her husband had sprawled himself out, covering the bed with his limbs. She wiped the tears from her cheeks and slipped herself under his arm and snuggled close to him. She hoped he hadn’t woken during her absence. Then all she had done would have been in vain.

She was the Duchess of Lendorshire, and she would not allow herself to be found out.
Last edited by Theodorable on Wed Sep 08, 2010 3:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole. -Dean, Supernatural




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Hey Teddybear,
I liked it and want to hear more. I only saw one thing that I could really complain about.
Teddybear22 wrote:
“I want you to call my name and scream when I’m inside you,” he bit into her ear.

Liz just bit her tongue and tried to stop the tears from spilling over, knowing he would only take her harder if he saw them.


As you can see by the purple font, you use bit twice almost consecutively.
He bit into her ear.
sound weird to me anyway so maybe you could change that to he hissed or something.


Okay, I also thought that her changing rooms, beds, and men was confusing. I had to read it a couple times to know what happened.

I really did like it though.
Test




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Hi there,
Liz bit back the scream that she had been about to release, not wanting to give him the satisfaction that he craved.

“I want you to call my name and scream when I’m inside you,” he bit into her ear.

Liz just bit her tongue and tried to stop the tears from spilling over, knowing he would only take her harder if he saw them.

Okay, so you use bit three times in three sentences... I would recommend you to use some synonyms

“I want you to call my name and scream when I’m inside you,” he ]bit he nibbled her ear or he moaned into her ear.

Depending on what you want to say. I know someone already told you that and sorry for repeating... But congratulations, I didn't noticed more mistakes or things that sounded wrong :)

The story is a little bit confusing, considering that there's really not much... I didn't understand why she was sleeping with that other guy when her husband was in the room next door. especially when she didn't want to do it. I hope you explain that to us in another chapter? Apart from that, it's good so far, for what you have. I'd love to read more.

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Okay, thanks for that. I had not realized that I used "bit" in those three sentences that close, big no no, for me. lol I changed it and yes I will be explaining everything in the next chapter.
Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole. -Dean, Supernatural




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Liz is such a bad, bad girl. Lol. I like that all she could feel was guilt about what just happened. The story was really good, there's nothing to ask, but that you explain a little more in the next chapter. Keep writing!

Sierra :mrgreen:
If you look deep enough you will see music; the heart of nature being everywhere music.
Thomas Carlyle

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu




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Hey Teddy!

I haven't read any of your work in ages, so I thought I'd have a little read through this.

Although it was short, you managed to give us enough of a plot to make us want to read on. I want to know why she's sleeping with this - what already seems like a vulgar man, when she has a husband just across the hall. Is he blackmailing her? Knows something he shouldn't? Collecting on a promise? Ahh! My creative brain needs to know :P

I couldn't find anything wrong that others haven't already pointed out, so this is a bit of a pointless review. But I had to comment and tell you how much I appreciate your writing :)

Thanks for the great read!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.



Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.
— Captain Raymond Holt