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I know that a lot of people aren't fans of the stream-of-consciousness, free verse style, but I really like it, and this was very well done. I can always appreciate when a poem has a strong tone, because too many are flat and mundane -- this one had such a prominent mood, and one that was fitting to the subject matter. The images are good, and they keep well with the theme, but I think that the strongest aspect is the sound of the words as they come together, the flow that gives the verses their withdrawn, pained sort of feeling.

"because we burned bright-bright-bright and
i could never quite look at the lava pouring from your
mouth, and the suns that burn the hottest always die
the fastest, and when you collapsed
the only thing i could think to do was
collapse
into
you"

I thought that this verse was particularly beautiful. It encompasses a nice metaphor without being overbearing, and provides an image of the arc of the entire piece in a smaller version: the rapid descent of darkness when light had been so blatantly bright.

I might just take a look at the last three lines. I know that breaking phrases up into single words has a great effect, but the flow in this verse is broken by it -- I'd split it into two lines instead of three, just to make it a little less abrupt and more coherent. Try reading it out loud; poetry like this is perfect for reading out loud, because it's largely dependent on fluency and sound. You might find a few small things you'd like to change, or you might not, but I find it's always a good thing to do.

As a whole, though, this is beautiful. Everything ties in with the theme, including the construction of the poem itself; it is subtle but still memorable, and very nicely written.

This was a very descriptive piece, and quite effective at times. The only advice I would have is to minimise the number of times you use one or two word lines - they tend to be a little overdone here. For example,

and you told me how badly you wanted to
fuck
me, and i wanted to cry, because i knew you didn’t

and

glass mirror hall of your cold-spark mind, and while
blue
trickles down the canals of my arteries and

I think the word "fuck" on its own looks a little strange on its own. The same applies to "blue".

old light
of
dead stars

Similarly, this excerpt (whilst effective in its own way) seems quite stilted.

My favourite favourite FAVOURITE line:

because last thursday your hands singed
spiderweb fingerprints into the hollow hole
of my back, and the cliché of your blue-blue eyes melted
into my sticky wet blue-blue
blood,

I absolutely adore this part so much.

Great work, and keep writing!

Hey Kaitlin
I tend to agree with what you've written in your spoiler. You have some really nice stuff here, but it needs some cleaning up. I'll jump right in.

and trees made webs of their dead branches against the
cast iron sky,

What is the purpose of this bit? It's nice imagery, but it didn't have any meaning to the poem that I could recognize. Try giving it some emotional connection. Why did the narrator notice the tree branches? Did they remind her of something?
If it doesn't really have any meaningful connection to the story, I suggest replacing it with something that will have a stronger impact.
I also feel like the current wording is a little awkward. Try playing with the wording and see if you can find something better. I like "and the trees' dead branches made spiderwebs against the cast iron sky."

and you told me how badly you wanted to
fuck me, and i wanted to cry, because i knew you didn’t

I love this line, but it left me wanting so much more. Slow down and explain what's going on. Why does she know he doesn't want to fuck her? The ideas just need to be fleshed out.

in the
glass mirror hall of your cold-spark mind, and while
blue trickles down the canals of my arteries and
laps quietly at the undersides of my cold sweaty
flesh, your lifeblood is entirely composed of plasma that
sting at my hands when you pull me too close

Read this out loud. Do you see how dense and wordy it is? You have enough description here for a whole poem and it ends up being overwhelming. Content should be your main focus. Imagery and metaphor and all of that lovely stuff is just decoration. A common problem throughout this entire poem is that the content gets drowned out by all the description. No matter how beautiful your imagery is, if I can't figure out what you're trying to get across, your poem won't be effective. This is also a major issue in stanzas four and five.

because that winter we made ourselves to be suns as
the sky turned against us; our fiery tentacles reached across the
sky, tried to warm that cold empty space where
old light
of
dead stars
streaks down to earth—

This is absolutely gorgeous. I like how you've done the line breaks, and the metaphor is really beautifully done. My only criticism is that it isn't very well transitioned from the previous paragraph. I suggest either creating a better lead-in, or try a suggestion that I'll make later.

I like how you built on and worked through stanza three's metaphor in stanza four, but it again gets too wordy and dense. Give the reader something solid and clear to hold onto and it will make your description more effective.

the only thing i could think to do was
collapse
into
you

I'm not sure whether I like or dislike the line breaks here. Consider making "collapse into you" one line, and see if you like it. To me, it seems more forceful as three lines and more desperate as one. I'm not sure which I prefer, but something to think about.

Stanza five is again loaded with imagery and metaphor to the point of being tiring. I think I've explained that point enough though, so I won't go any deeper

spiderweb fingerprints

I'm really really picky in my own writing about this, and it might just be something that I'm overly obsessive about, but I don't like that you used spiderwebs as an image twice in the same poem. The same goes for the use of both "blue-blue" and "bright-bright-bright". I just think that having every piece of description be unique (unless of course it is a recurring theme) makes the description must more effective. I do quite like how you used "blue-blue", so if you decide to change things, I'd suggest changing the "bright-bright-bright".

loved
me, but i already knew the answer, so instead i bit your
lips and watched plasma leak onto the skin stretched
tootight over my collarbone but

Wonderful.

i used to wonder what would
happen, once all my light curled up into the
folds of your hot skin, and where i would
go once all of me was part of
you.

Also wonderful.

The final stanza is very nicely worded, but I ended up feeling like the poem lacked a tight conclusion. I'll propose some simple yet sweeping changes that I think would make the poem's intentions much clearer and give it a better concluding tone. I'm about to suggest a bunch of alterations without any explanations, but don't worry, I will explain afterwards. I suggest throwing the poem in a text document and making all of these changes and then seeing how you like the result.

Opening line:
Put parentheses around this line so it reads "(these are the things we shouldn't remember)"

First stanza:
Remove the "because"

Second stanza:
Remove the "because"

Third stanza:
Change "because that" into "Last"

Fourth stanza:
Remove the "because"

Fifth Stanza:
Remove the "because"

Explanation: The addition of parentheses in the beginning makes the line more of a hint; a little idea for the reader to keep in the back of their mind. By removing all of the "because"s you make each stanza seem less like one continuous message and more like a collection of ideas, and once those ideas are no longer so tightly tied to the other parts, they are freer to tie into the original hint. Sorry if that makes absolutely no sense. I'm not saying that you should necessarily make all of these changes, it's just a different approach worth considering. Play with it and see what feels right.

Finally, I suggest breaking up some of your massive sentences. You hardly had any pauses throughout the poem, so I think it was a stylistic choice you made, which is great, but I suggest you reign it in a little. You can put in the occasional breathing break for the reader and still maintain that words-tumbling-out-of-her-mouth feel.
I also think that introducing some capitalization at appropriate places like the beginning of sentences and "I"s would better suit the poem. Having it uncapitalized makes the poem very flat. This poem has the potential to be very sharp and clear, like winter air, and capitalized lines fit that better in my mind.


Just so you know, I loved this piece. It needs refining, but it really is stunning. Most of my suggestions are just ideas to consider. Really great work.