night

i stir
wrangled in the bed sheets
sweat caked like sweet teacakes
heart pounding
i turn
but you're not there.
i breathe
a racing breath
looking for you
but you're not there
i ask myself
if sanity will ever return
you sleep
in a wistful world
cradled in
mahogany and satin
underneath a barren
and raw earth
why can not i ever grasp
if it is i or you
living in a wicked hell

Signature=Lovely song. Ok, I'm not here to reminence about that song (which I love) I'm here to be your reviewer! *Takes out paper and pencil.* My corrections are in green.

I stir,
wrangled in the bed sheets,
sweat caked like sweet teacakes.
Heart pounding,
i turn,
but you're not there.
I breathe (,Depends on the style here. If it's short and choppy comma, if not keep it the way you had it.
a racing breath,
looking for you,
but you're not there
I ask myself
if sanity will ever return.
You sleep
in a wistful world,
cradled in
mahogany and satin
underneath a barren
and raw earth.
Why can not I ever grasp
If it is I or youYou or I sounds better.
living in a wicked hell

Those are just some of my corections. You have a good idea and good ryhmes, but the puncuation throws you off. I know it can be annoying, but it helps the reader comprehend and understand your writing more. Hope I helped!

Hey there, Iridescent! I'm Heather, and I'll be your reviewer. Feel free to contact me for any further help or if parts of my review didn't make sense - I'd be glad to help you in any way more.

First Impressions:

The concept of this poem is pretty good. From what I gathered, someone close to the main person has died, and this person is suffering incredibly, and is wondering /who/ really suffered from the death - the dead, or themselves. Interesting concept, though it isn't exactly unique. It still works very well in poetry though.

What needs to improve:

The main thing detracting from this poem is proper grammar. Capitalize the I's. You could also use more punctuation in this poem. Punctuation is actually something that is typically ignored (and there really isn't a rule that punctuation must be there) in poetry, though it really improves the poem and will set a certain flow to it. You also should reword a few things.

Specifics:

sweat caked like sweet teacakes

I suggest finding a better metaphor here. Sweat caked like sweet teacakes? I don't understand what sweat would have to do with teacakes. It seems completely random. Try looking for a better description of it?

why can not i ever grasp

Who actually talks like that? Try rewording this also. It's confusing and breaks the flow.

Overall:

The idea is good, but the structure and flow of this poem could be improved. One suggestion is to try reading it out loud to yourself, or have a friend read it out loud. This really makes it easier to find where it doesn't flow. Also try using a basic spelling/grammar check. Most programs like Microsoft Word or Open Office have them built in.

Good luck and keep writing.

~Heather

I like this a lot -- the choppy sort of rhythm that it has, the way that the words roll off the tongue from line to line. I love poetry that is at its best when read out loud, like this.

As far as capitalization, I don't think that it's necessary. You obviously had a reason for not capitalizing; I do it myself in some prose/poetry, because I believe it changes the impact of the piece. What I would suggest, like a few of the other reviewers, is to try inserting some punctuation. I actually think that punctuation is even more important in poetry than it is in prose. Just play with it a little, put in some semicolons, some periods. Things like that can have huge impacts, the same way that line breaks or formatting can. In short poetry especially, small things are extremely important; you can change the entire verse be putting a single comma or period in.

Like I said, play with it a bit. Read it out loud, see how it sounds with small changes made. Other than really minor suggestions like that, I have nothing bad to say about this. It was a really nice read, quick, but not without leaving an impression. Nice work