and then I scream.

Close your eyes and scream;
Scream for the lost,
the damned,
and the forgotten.

I remember that day
when I sat unaware
to the masses who would
yet to see another day.

Every channel
screamed the same dreaded news,
the same horrific picture.

Fingers were pointed
like revolvers,
ready to take fire.

Figures leapt and
fell onto the earth,
leaving behind a
terrified nation,
and a scream.

They fell like
tired travellers
into the streets below.

I saw them fall,
and all I could do
was scream.

Just scream.

Everyone will scream
eventually.
It's is a broken world,
of misfortune and
sin.

And when it's time again.
I will cry and turn away,
and then I'll scream.

Great imagery. however, it is damgaged by the grammatical errors. I say repost with some fixes in spelling and contractions. Then, it will be a great original work. Overall, i am very impressed. Great job with the imagery

First of all: powerful piece. I love the imagery, the straight forward and blunt presentation... it's all very effective. Great job on that

I DO think that maybe you could play with some of the punctuation and rhythm stuff though.

Close your eyes and scream. Perhaps a semicolon here instead of a period? I think that it would help out the rhythm. I read this and went "Okay, onto the next thought." But, then I was kind of jarred when it went straight back to that powerful word. Make us expect it.
Scream for the lost,
the damned (comma here)
and the forgotten.

I remember that day,
when and I sat unaware
to the events happening. Personally, I think that you might be able to find a more poetic/figurative way to say "the events happening". This is an excellent opportunity for some powerful stuff. Use it.

Every channel
screamed the same news,
the same picture. I think that if you put an adjective after "same" it might make this a little stronger.

Fingers were pointed
like revolvers,
ready to take fire. Excellent imagery right here!

They leapt and
fell into the earth,
leaving behind a
terrified nation,
and a scream. This felt a little weird though- fingers leaping? revolvers leaping? I wasn't sure which one you meant, and they both are difficult to imagine, at least for me.

They fell like
tired travellers
into the streets below. In the previous stanza you said that they fell into the earth, but now they're falling into the streets? Nice alliteration though.

I saw them fall,
and all I could do
was scream.

Just scream. Wonderful right here- love the emphasis.

Everyone will scream
eventually.
It's is a broken world,
of misfortune and
sin.

And when it's time again.
I will cry and be appauld, Did you mean "be applauded" or "applaud", or...?
and then I'll scream.

Overall, I think that this could use some work, but as I said, it's a very emotional and powerful piece. The rhythm feels a bit too off for me, but I'm addicted to long lines, and some of your stanzas would have qualified as one-liners for me. There were a couple of typos, but those are really easy to fix, and there weren't a ton. Nice job!

-Coral-

Overall, I like the piece, though there are definitely some rough spots that need fixing.
Your stanzas feel more like short and precise statements; while it's beneficial in that you get your point across and succeed in staying on topic, it's not very fluent, in my opinion. My thoughts constantly paused due to the period after every sentence. I'm not saying you need to change it - by all means, we all have our own opinions regarding our writing styles - but perhaps you may want to consider fixing the way your sentences and stanzas shift from one to the other.

The other thing that caught my eye was word choice. I realize the title of your poem is "and then I scream," but placing the word "scream" multiple times throughout the piece takes away the effect. Usually when a writer doesn't have a wide variety of vocabulary in the piece, the emotions aren't as strong and it makes your phrasing a bit more predictable (you don't want the reader thinking "they're probably going to say 'scream' again in the following sentence," for example).

Other than that, like I said, I liked the piece. You do well in getting your point across so that the reader understands. Now you just need to work on making that connection so that they feel it, too. Good write.

first of all...i'm kind of neutral to this one. it has moments where i think it's good and then...well, it lacks impact for me. this is not meant to be offensive.

onto the improvements:

the sentence "when I sat unaware to the masses who would yet to see another day" doesn't really make sense to me... furthermore, you say "it is it's a broken world" this needs sorting (: i also feel like the rest of that sentence is a little cliché. saying the world's all terrible is all very well but perhaps reword it, tell us WHY it's terrible or maybe just cut it down to fewer words and it'd feel better to me.

the good bits:

your use of simile is very good. i spotted two which i loved: the "fingers pointed like revolvers" and "they fell like tired travellers". the first has very strong imagery; i think it's damn near perfect as far as similes can go. and the last one is just...poetic. as poetry should be. the alliteration works well too. furthermore, the first verse, though not technically rhyming, has a wonderful rhythm to it. i like it.



good job

Retro, I thought this was a beautiful and powerful piece.

It made complete sense to me and touched something deep inside that really needed to be touched.

Thank you for this poem.

Tanya