The Passing Time

The Passing Day(WORKING TITLE!)

And now the night has fallen clear,
So clear in fact dawn’s nearly here.
And after dawn the day will come,
Then afternoon will soon be done.
And then the evening unfolds,
And up in space the moon beholds...
On empty blackened cloudless skies
And quiet streets and fireflies.
And yet again I can’t decide
To view with peace or view with spite?
The loneliness the night will bring?
Or beauty of the gentle gleam
of warming stars that shine a promise...
That somewhere magic’s waiting for us?
An eerie ghostly ‘reverie’...
Or ghosts of long passed memory?
It’s when the dark comes setting in
That pulsing longing does begin.
For something once within your being,
Tangible? Or just a feeling?
The blissful ignorance of youth?
The blistering agony of truth...
Who said that truth would set you free?
Perhaps whoever said time heals...
Nostalgia... must now suffice,
Placebo for reliving life.
Until one day we reach our “goal”
And then we find that we are old.
Now elderly, yet baby once,
And on to toddler we advance,
Ascertain the power of speech,
Calibrate our arms and feet.
Education’s echelons,
Birds and bees, cats and toms.
Look for love, work for living,
Save for life, save for wedding.
And then the evening unfolds,
And in the sky the moon beholds.
And darkness falls...another day.
And lilies lie were voices pray.
And yet again I can’t decide...
To view with peace or view with spite?


(Ok I know this needs a bit of work doing to it lol, I wrote this up pretty quickly...the rounded idea that you see coming together at the end actually only came to me towards the end of the poem so I had to go have a look back over things. Also, out of everything that needs work I am particularly annoyed with the line "To view with tranquility or spite" would it sound better with"happiness" or does "tranquility" or "serenity" make better sense?)

THanks.

This is one great piece...
It quite well describes the whole day which a normal human being passes everyday....
The poem has a good rhythm and a perfect flow....
How about naming it "Time Passing By"??
Keep up the good work and do let me know what you have decided of the title...
PM me for anything...

Hey, Pervy here. I have to admit that poems aren't really my expertise, but I can tell apart the "good" and "bad" ones. This one falls into the category of "excellent" (at least in my opinion). You made it rhyme without using too many lame, everyday words and the content was like a story. I've had a idea to write something similar to this but I never bothered in the end to write it on ink (thank God, it wouldv'e propably turned out alot worse then this ). I found ONE error, and well here it is:

"of warming stars that shine a promise..." ...Capitalise the O in "of". That's all!

Good job writing this, nothing else to say. Keep up the good work!

Sincerely, The Perverted Iguana~

Hey thanks loads for those comments !

heyy (:

the meter's mostly consistent, however, i have an issue with this:
"And yet again I can’t decide
To view with tranquility or spite?
The loneliness the night will bring?"

"to view with tranquility or spite" does not fit the meter and tranquility is a STATE as opposed to a way of seeing things, well...you could view the world with tranquility but i think it's the wrong lexical choice. "tenderness" or "serenity" would both be better and fit the meter (: furthermore, why does "the loneliness the night will bring" end in a question mark? it appears to be a statement as opposed to a question.

"ascertain" seems to be an awkward word and doesn't seem to convey what you were trying to convey. maybe establish could work. discover would be ideal but it wouldn't fit the meter :/

"and lilies lie were voices pray." presuming that should be 'where' ?

aside from that, this is a pretty sucessful poem and i love the chronological feel to it (:

all the best.

I actually rewrote that line but I must have forgot to edit. Serenity was one of the words I had put in instead. I hadn't decided however, there were a couple of others, originally i had something like "cheerfulness" but I found it too strong. I think I will re-edit to serenity for now. There's still a word out there I'm looking for lol!

The question mark is intentional, I'm not sure you've got the tone of the poem there. The point is that the person isn't sure how they feel about the night, is it a pleasant experience or will it bring them that lonely,empty feeling they dread.

"lilies lie where voices pray" - I thought was a fairly obvious reference. The poem comes back around on itself to compare how quickly a day passes to show how quickly a life passes. Lilies are the most popular funeral flower. And voices pray...well it's at a funeral, the end of the day equated to the end of the person's life.

"Ascertain" can mean "discover, determine, learn" so I believe it does fit. Also I like the sound of it very much within this poem.

Thanks, glad you enjoyed it all the same.

Hello I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for today. I shall point out I've not much problem with this poem overall. But still feel like I should point them out as the main one just annoys me. But I shall explain further about this in the review, so let's begin.

My main problem here is it's essentially a wall of text, and this can make a piece like this look daunting which is sad as it's not a terrible piece and given the chance could me reach for the magnificent. So my suggestion break this up into stanzas I suggest two or three. You might not understand why I find this such a big issue, but mainly it's because it's annoying and makes the piece harder to read -- or if people lose track of it or are distracted harder to resume from place you were at. All these reasons show why you should bring down the wall and take up the stanzas.

My second problem is what could really destroy this. It's the rhyme scheme which seemed forced and stited. it doesn't flow naturally. To be blunt it flows like a car crash, jagged metal and mess of plastic, glass and other materials. it doesn't flow. That is to begin with. Later on you can ignore it and that was a superb transition -- my only hope is you can see that and try emulate it.

Overall: Work on the first bit and make this into stanzas and believe you could have a really terrific poem. Other than that, I say drop the rhyme scheme it kills the poem in my opinion and forces you to do contrived rhymes. It's a valiant try and see the beauty, but right now it's not quite visible.

Hope this helps.

I like how this rhymes. It's great but for a couple lines that don't fit the rhyme scheme.

"And then the evening unfolds" (add another syllable)
"To view with serenity or spite?" (easy...add "with" before spite as well)

There may be more but I couldn't get them all down...

Great work, great poet.