Unknown Incidence (1)

Walking home takes forever. At least it's almost summer. The winter weather still wants to rest here and the spring just lets it. The cold wind blows my hair as I shake from the cold. All the trees around me cover the sides of the houses as I walk by.
My phone starts to ring.

"Hello?" I answer ending One Republic's rhythm.

"Alex, are you close?" Mom rings into my ear.

"Yeah, just next to the store." I say as I stare at the food store.

"Okay, see you at home."

"Bye."

My feet speed up as I see my house getting closer and closer.

*

My feet stretch out as I get off my desk chair. I just did my homework (which was easier than I thought.). The white curtains blow against my desk. My room feels like a huge ice box from the cold so I close the window letting my Yellow comforter shine the room.
I hear someone walking by my door.

"Come in!" I say and see my mom coming in.

she’s holding something behind her back. I wonder what it is!

"What'd you got there?" I ask.

"I got you something," She pulls the item to the front and I see it.

"I love it!"

It's a Peace shirt! A Yellow Peace sign with a navy background short sleeved top. I've been waiting for it to go on clearance in weeks; I can't believe my mom got it for me.

"Thanks mama." I grab the top.

"I saw it and thought of you," She walks out the door.

"Where're you going?" I lay the top on my bed.

The suns goes lower and makes the house get darker. I can hear the wind blow the trees as the sun continues its way down.

"Downstairs, I'm cooking soup." She turns her head at me.

"Okay,"
I grab my cell phone and run down the stairs taking in the green loft as I pass it. The mirror on the wall shows my outfit.

"Hey Al," My brothers peaks behind me.
"What?" My head turns.
"Did you know that Colin is here?" He shocks me.
The Red walls make the room in this situation look like a blood filled room of shock.
"Very funny," My mind travels off.
"Seriously,"
"Yeah right, just because he was my best friend it doesn't mean you get to laugh it off," I get serious. My mind goes crazy in thoughts of how? When? What?!
"He was cool, gosh."
"He moved, forever. To Florida." Sweat runs down my neck.
"Okay, we'll see if you're right,"
I walk toward the "Blue Room". We call it the "Blue Room" because it's blue, but it's still a living/family room. I can see the light on the side table brightening up the room as I spot my puppy sleeping. The TV starts talking about the news and makes the sudden shock of Colin... go away.

Ok... there's not a lot of material here. Is this a whole chapter? because it's a little short and uneventful. first chapters should hook the reader, and this just didn't. The shirt seems irrelevent, but maybe you're setting the stage up for something with it.

Nike wrote:Walking home takes forever. At least it's almost summer. The winter weather still wants to rest here and the spring just lets it. The cold wind blows my hair as I shake from the cold. The forest-like surroundings scare me at the thought of living somewhere else but a city i don't really understand this sentence. so she's scared of living in a place that isn't the city, but if she currently lives in a city and it still has forest-like surroundings then wouldn't she be scared of living there too? i know what i just said didn't really make sense, but that's just how much the sentence confuses me. . The trees cover the sides of the houses as I walk by.

"Hello?" I answer ending One Republic's rhythm.

"Alex, are you close?" Mom rings into my ear.

"Yeah, just next to the store." I say as I stare at the food store.

"Okay, see you at home."

"Bye."

My feet speed up as I see my house getting closer and closer. ok... why was her mum calling her? the whole alex, are you close? thing made it seem creepy. is that really how a mother would talk to her offspring? this whole part seemed irrelevent and uninteresting, sorry if it sounds harsh, but that's my opinion

*

My feet stretch out as I get off my desk chair. I just did my homework, which was easier than i thought. The white curtains blow against my desk. My room feels like a huge ice box from the cold so I close the window letting my Yellow comforter shine the room.

"Come in!" I say and see my mom coming in. how did she know her mum was at the door?

She's holding something behind her back.

"What'd you got there?" I ask, my interest flooding my thoughts.

"I got you something," She pulls the item to the front and I see it.

"I love it!"

It's a Peace shirt! A Yellow Peace sign with a navy background short sleeved top.

"Thanks mama." I grab the top.

"I saw it and thought of you," She walked tense switch. change to walks out the door.

"Where're you going?"

"Downstairs, I'm cooking soup." She turns her head at me.

"Okay,"

Wow, that's really nice of her. I've always wanted a top like this!
*

well... er... i don't know what else to say. i can't really say i liked it... the descriptions were plain, the events were uninteresting and again, i'm sorry for being so harsh.

I don't think this is bad, and I do think it has potential...though you have to explain a lot more and add more, and I mean quite a lot more describing words.

This story could really shine is you just explained everything you say instead of jumping to different stages. I think you should go over it, and add more words to where you think is right and then post it again.

I'll review it. I do think this is a good story.

Keep writing...

~Apple.

Hey Nike!
Thanks for reviewing my story, Love, Demise and Last Goodbyes. I'm giving you a review as requested and to say thank you for my review.

I disagree with the first review. This was not plain, boring and uninteresting. Although this isn't my favourite first chapter in the world, I think that it was pretty good. What I will say though is that the first chapter of a novel or story is very important. You have to pull the reader in, make them want to read more. You don't really do this for me.

I may think this but I also think that this story definitely has potential! You just need to make it that slight bit more interesting. Describe the feelings of your MC a bit more, describe the actions more. Basically, use a lot more adjectives. Also, don't rush the story. Take your time to describe what's happening.

This story definitely has potential, you just need to polish it up a bit!

Good luck and thanks again for reviewing some of my stuff!

~ Lala

It's pretty good. A couple things:

Nike wrote:"Alex, are you close?" Mom rings into my ear.

How can someone ring in someone else's ear? You might try to extend the beginning a bit, just add a bit more before the phone gets answered.

"Hey Al," My brothers pecks behind me.
"What?" My head turns.
"Did you know that Colin is here?" He shocks me.
The Red walls make the room in this situation look like a blood filled room of shock.
"Very funny," My mind travels off.
"Seriously,"
"Yeah right, just because he was my best friend it doesn't mean you get to laugh it off," I get serious.
"He was cool, gosh."
"He moved, forever. To Florida." Sweat runs down my neck.
"Okay, we'll see if you're right,"
I walk toward the "Blue Room". We call it the "Blue Room" because it's blue, but it's still a living/family room. I can see the light on the side table brightening up the room as I spot my puppy sleeping.
Walking home takes forever. At least it's almost summer. The winter weather still wants to rest here and the spring just lets it. The cold wind blows my hair as I shake from the cold. The trees cover the sides of the houses as I walk by.

"Hello?" I answer ending One Republic's rhythm.

"Alex, are you close?" Mom rings into my ear.

"Yeah, just next to the store." I say as I stare at the food store.

"Okay, see you at home."

"Bye."

My feet speed up as I see my house getting closer and closer.

*

My feet stretch out as I get off my desk chair. I just did my homework (which was easier than I thought.). The white curtains blow against my desk. My room feels like a huge ice box from the cold so I close the window letting my Yellow comforter shine the room.

"Come in!" I say and see my mom coming in.

She's holding something behind her back.

"What'd you got there?" I ask, my interest flooding my thoughts.

"I got you something," She pulls the item to the front and I see it.

"I love it!"

It's a Peace shirt! A Yellow Peace sign with a navy background short sleeved top.

"Thanks mama." I grab the top.

"I saw it and thought of you," She walkes out the door.

"Where're you going?" The suns goes lower and makes the house get darker.

"Downstairs, I'm cooking soup." She turns her head at me.

"Okay,"

Wow, that's really nice of her. I've always wanted a top like this!
I grab my cell phone and run down the stairs taking in the green loft as I pass it. The mirror on the wall shows my outfit.

"Hey Al," My brothers pecks behind me.
"What?" My head turns.
"Did you know that Colin is here?" He shocks me.
The Red walls make the room in this situation look like a blood filled room of shock.
"Very funny," My mind travels off.
"Seriously,"
"Yeah right, just because he was my best friend it doesn't mean you get to laugh it off," I get serious.
"He was cool, gosh."
"He moved, forever. To Florida." Sweat runs down my neck.
"Okay, we'll see if you're right,"
I walk toward the "Blue Room". We call it the "Blue Room" because it's blue, but it's still a living/family room. I can see the light on the side table brightening up the room as I spot my puppy sleeping.

This scene kind of confuses me. You might try to make sure to tell us who is talking just once in a while. Also there is a typo in "my brother pecks behind me" unless pecks is a new verb you are trying to invent.

Sorry if this is a lot-it is a very good start!

Hey Nike! I'm here to review your novel

There's something quite refreshing about your style of writing. It's different to most drone-like styles. The only problem is that it's still a little raw.

By that I mean that there's a few things that need refining. The more you deviate from average writing, the less comprehensibility you get, so you've got to be careful on that. For example;

"I answer ending One Republic's rhythm."

I assume that's a ringtone? You don't mention a phone ringing, which makes the phrase confusing, especially if your reader isn't aware of the band name.

Another quick tip I find useful is that made-up bands and songs work better. You can be creative, and thing of a name that would be stereotypical to what your character likes. For example, trans fans would like 'power beat,' or 'rainbow revolution' for a hippie.

The point I made about telling us the phone is ringing, counts for the door knocking too. Unless she's a psychic, but that doesn't really seem to fit the apparent genre at this point.

On to part(2)

I would have to agree with everyone else, this has great potential, but if this is the first chapter its bland, I'm sorry but it is. Practically everyone has told you all about the mistakes and such. So I'm gonna harp on how little I know about your female character, what does she look like? What's her style? Etc. Etc. Tell me more, I want to know more about Colin.
Again great potential, can't wait to read more!!!

I actually like this, this is where you started to get better!
Michelle