Fake Date

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I keep typing new books because I get better ideas-so I write a new story to interact with the idea. Please tell me what you think of it, i'm very proud of it.


Chapter 1

I slide off my bed with a pounding headache.

The sun is shining brightly in this summer morning. Summer has started a couple weeks ago which, lets "us kids” have some fun for once. My red and white striped room shines brighter from the sun and my white furniture just gets whiter. All the throw pillows are on the hardwood floor over my moon rug.

My phone starts ringing and I answer it.

“Hello…?”

“Good you’re there Lily,” my best friend July says. She has been my best friend since the first day of middle school. July always was the person that you could trust and loves all the gossip. She has short brown reddish hair and green eyes-she’s Irish. All her jokes make you laugh until your stomach hurts!

I stretch and open the door to go out on the balcony. All I can feel are the suns rays against my skin and smell the flowers blooming in their pots.

“What time is it?” I ask out of curiosity, I can’t tell the time by looking at the sun like people in the old times.

“That’s not important right now, listen come to my house, like, ASAP,”

“I just woke up July,” I say sleeply. Even though she has an unusual name-it matches her personality completely. She's always awake early just when the sun goes up and loves to cheer people up!

I start looking over the city and see people walking through the tight streets eating ice cream, talking on their cell phones, running to get to work and much more. My family is pretty lucky to get an apartment with a balcony in the middle of the big city, Chicago. Our flat has about 3 bed rooms. So you can see what I mean by “lucky”.

“Just get your butt over here!” She hangs up.

I get inside my room and open my closet. Since it’s burnin’ hot today I should probably go with spaghetti strings and shorts. I grab my favorite sky blue top with prints of glasses on it and my dark jean shorts. I walk into the bathroom and wash up.

My dirty blond hair is sticking out at every end so I brush it down letting it go straight again. I can see that my blue eyes look tired and I wash my face. I brush my teeth and cream my face leaving make-up and deodorant last. Crap-I notice I’ve got a zit and try to cover it up, but it’s not working, oh well.

***

Here I am in July’s house.

Nothing bad has happened at all-so why did she need me?

I’m in her light green room that is covered in black furniture and colorful decorations. I sit on her Victorian desk chair staring out the large window. On her bed there are tons of blue, green and pink pillows.

“So, what am I doing here?” I ask.

July walks up to me in her light pink dress.

“Listen-there is this thing I need you to help me with,”

“What is it?”

She sits down on her Victorian black day bed.

“I have to go on a date with David-but the thing is, my mom hates his guts so I can’t go,”

I stand up and sit right next to her. “And what am I supposed to do about it? Maybe you should rebel and go on that date,”

“No, you must go on that date for me,

My jaw drops in shock as I try to say something-but nothing is coming out.

“Well, it’s not that bad Lil,”

“Why do I have to do it?”

She holds my hand so I wouldn’t smack her for that stupid idea.

“Because I don’t wanna blow it with him,”

“Then as I said before “rebel,”

I can smell here Coco Chanel perfume-it smells like fresh lavender.

“No way, you know my mom,”

“He wouldn’t wanna know me Jul, He wants to know you. Do you understand that? Why would I go on a date with a guy I don’t even know?” I ask getting more pissed off at the second.

“Please, talk to him about me, that’s all you have to do-please?” She begs and brings out her puppy dog face.

“Fine, I’ll do it,” I calm down and she lets go off my hand.

“Thanks so much-I owe you!” She hugs me tightly.

“Yes you do,” We both laugh.

We get off of her bed and walk into her kitchen. She has an apartment too but it’s smaller than our by one room. Her apartment is very Victorian and is mixed with modern too. The kitchen is small with Peach colored walls and white cabinetry. There is one huge window at the end of the kitchen which is open pulling in the white curtains.

What is up with July? She doesn't like bad boys that much and obviously David is one. She always goes for the gentlemen not the rebels. Maybe he's different? Or maybe he's just on some kind of bet with his friends. I don't know but it's kind of freaking me out. July has maybe changed this summer...

“Can you at least show me a picture of him?”

“Why?” She asks pulling out two cokes from her fridge.

“So I can know who he is,” I sit on the dining chair.

“Fine, you’ll have to meet him at our school today at 5,”

She gets out her iPhone and looks through her pictures until she finds him. Now I know why she likes him so much. He has short brown hair with bangs to the side. He also has chocolate brown eyes and is muscular.

“That’s him?” I ask in shock.

“Yes, now you see why I like him?” She hides her phone into her pocket.

“Yup,”

“But don’t take him from me,”

Never,” I take a sip of my coke.

***

It’s 5 o’clock pm. No one is at the school at all-I mean who would when it’s summer? Well, except for the secretary of course.

The school is covered in brown and red bricks with a light up sign saying Taft high school. The sign is blue and white with an eagle on it. I’m standing on the green lawn in the school courtyard which has about 10 benches and 2 marbled fountains. The sky is still bright and the temperature has gotten colder so I changed my outfit completely to: An Abercrombie green t-shirt and knee-length jeans. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten any accessories! I’ve got on my favorite brown flip-flops.

I can smell the cleanser that has been used to clean the school every day.

“Where is he?” I ask myself as I look around.

He walks into the courtyard from the school. I can see his brown khaki pants and a white T-shirt. He also has brown flip-flops and he looks much better in person than on a picture. My stomach flips out of control.

“Hey-I’m sorry I’m late, I was busy,” His voice is deep but with a sexy touch in it.

“Its fine,” He walks up to me as I say this.

“Ready?”

“Uhuh,” I’m speechless. How can July get someone like this? He has manners and doesn’t seem like a rebel at all-he is so not July’s type at all. Why did she even do this? Again, I am bragging to myself about July's type of boys- why do I even bother thinking about it?! I'm not July!

“July told you that she can’t go on the date, right?” I ask before we go.

“Yeah-it sucks though. Are her parents really that strict?” he shoots back a question.

“Yup,” We walk away from the school.

***

We are at Olive Garden. The feeling is romantic and the Italian food just compliments it, alot of people think that Italian food is romantic and I agree with them on that point. All the walls are Italian designed with some of them covered in olives and grapes-others are just plain beige with wrinkles in the wall to make them look old. The table is a romantic setting with a candle, flowers, and pretty much everything romantic. There is a talking chaos everywhere you turn making this place feel inviting to come to. The chairs are very comfortable and wooden. Most of the tables are full so we’re lucky that we came early to get an available table!

“So-David, what do you think about July?” I ask starting up the conversation as I stuff myself with garlic bread.
“She’s-um, different,” He slurps his spaghetti.
Different?" I repeat.

The waitress hands me my lasagna. You can still see smoke coming from it showing that it’s fresh.
“Well, she’s great-but I never had a girlfriend like her.”
“Oh,” I start eating my lasagna calming down my hunger.

We are quiet for a moment as we eat. The smell from the lasagna is amazing-you can smell the rich chesse, oregano, meat, and tomato sauce all at once. It smells like this restaurant actually. A lot of people around us are eating the same thing. One baby starts crying at the table behind us making my ears ring from pain.

“Crap-that baby is loud,” I cover my ears.
“Duh, it’s a baby.” David says.

“I know,” I continue eating this amazing meal. The taste of it just melts in your mouth making you feel like a Queen.
David finishes his spaghetti after a couple of minutes. He starts to talk about his hobbies and pops some jokes in between making it hard for me to eat because I just have to laugh. He talks about his family and friends too-his life pretty much. I would never guess that July would date him. David is so not her type. July likes these kinds of guys that are complete gentleman-what I mean by that is, they don’t like extreme sports and are not adventurous. She likes these kinds of guys that would do everything and anything for her. The guy she imagines wears elegant clothes and not what David wears. What got into her head?
I finish my lasagna and we wait for the check.

“I didn’t hear much about you-I’ve spilled my life in front of you, now it’s your turn.” David says as I set my plate to the side.
“Uh, well-maybe I should tell you about July, not me.” I get startled not knowing what else to say.
“I heard a lot about her, Lily now I wanna hear about you,”

I swallow hard and start to spill about myself. I mean-why not? He could just be my friend and he wants to know about me. July can enjoy that I like her boyfriend for once and that we could be friends. I like him-yes I know that but I think I can handle being friends with him.

My heart thumps harder as he concentrates on me. He seems to be really listening to me.

He cuts my story right in the middle of it. “You and July are barely alike, how are you this close to each other?”
“Well, we just are. Life made us friends and we like it I guess. I don’t know-it just happened and we’re best friends ever since.”
He lets me continue and I do. The check doesn’t come until after 10 minutes.
“Here you go,” The waitress hands us the check.
I’ve finished telling my story, so I just shut up.
***
I ring July’s doorbell standing in the light brown hallway.
The door opens and July stands there. “Hey, come in.”
I walk in taking off my shoes. We run into her room.

“So-how was the date?” She puts air quotes around date.
“Fine,” I sit on her bed.
“Just fine?”
“Yes,”

She starts to pace her room in worry.

“What’s wrong?” I pull out my cell phone out of my army printed purse and check the time. Its 7pm, I gotta go home soon.
“Fine! It can’t be just fine Lily. I need him to love me-you understand, love me.” She starts to yell this.

“Shut up! Your parents may hear you.”
“So-it was just fine,” her voice gets lower this time as she sits next to me.
I hug her-trying to make her feel better. “Listen, it went great.”
“Really? Are you telling the truth now?”
“Yes,”

She hugs me back. My phone starts to ring and I see David’s name pop up. We gave each other our phone numbers before we left the restaurant.

“Hello,” I answer it.
“Lily-hi,” I can hear that amazing voice again which makes me melt.
“What did you want?” My stomach starts to flip again like before.
Lily’s perfume starts to smell in the whole entire room and I wave my hand in front of my face to blow it away. She’s putting it on again.
“Are you at July’s?” he sounds curious.
“Uhuh-why?”
July walks to her window and lets the wind blow on her face. I can see she’s so happy that the date worked out.

“I’m coming over and I don’t know if she doesn’t think that we had kissed or something.”
Kissed?” I yell out loud which makes July look at me with a mad face.
“I didn’t mean that we did or anything it’s just, my other girlfriends thought when I went out with one of my friends, which happened to be girls, they were afraid that I left them.” He explains in a hurry.
“Oh, ok-she doesn’t think that, no way she doesn’t.”

Lily starts to get confused and I just leave that alone.

“So, I’m coming-bye.”
“Bye,” We hang up.
“Kissed?” Lily yells this time.
I put my phone in my purse and zip it up.
“Nothing, it was a joke July,” I lie.
“Oh ok,”
I get up and pick up my purse. “Gotta go home, its 7,”
“Okay, bye.” We hug each other and I leave-still thinking about David.
Last edited by Nike on Wed Jul 07, 2010 9:06 am, edited 5 times in total.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Hello there! I'll be your reviewer for today. :D

You don't seem to have any grammatical mistakes at all so I'll leave the nitpicking to someone else. ;D

Well, I like how you describe everything --- you don't beat around the bush and you don't use too many adjectives.

I'm confused, though --- did July tell David that she wasn't coming? Or was David under the impression that Lily IS July? Maybe you'll explain in the next chapter (you will have another chapter, right?), but this confuses me a lot. If this is clearer, the story will be a lot better.

-Rosie =]
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.






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Before I fully critique anything, I must tell you that there is nothing actually wrong with your story. It is your classic 'two girls, one guy' scenario, that many books in this genre attempt. I think your writing style and plot are perfect for the pre-teen girl crowd. I would've bought this and loved it when I was in the seventh grade. :) With that said, I'm going to begin tearing and nitpicking Fake Date apart.

Some days I just wanna cry-the next I just wanna scream in happiness. What can I say? That’s the life of an average teenager. But sometimes it’s affected by the area you live in and school life.

It’s hard but we wanna live it…

I'm not actually sure what this is here for. The tone doesn't seem to match the rest of the chapter, and it really doesn't add much to it.
Though 'wanna' is a contraction for 'want to', and is a part of everyday language, it's not actually considered a word. I don't know if that matters to you or not, if it doesn't, than don't change it, it's not that big of a deal.
The way you say 'scream in happiness' sounds a bit odd. I know I've never let out a blood-curdling shriek because I'm in a good mood.. I have been known to 'squeal with glee' and other things like that. Maybe you should choose an alternative way to express joy while making a loud noise..
The hyphen in between 'cry'and 'the next' is either not placed in properly, or just looks strange. I'm not really an expert on such things, but if I were you I'd change it to 'cry- the next'.
'But sometimes it's affected by the area you live in and school life.' is not a sentence, because you started it with the word 'but.' This can easily be made into an actual sentence by removing that word.

I slide off my bed with a pounding head ache.

'Head ache' should be 'headache'.

The sun is shining brightly in this July summer morning. Finally summer has started a couple weeks ago which lets us “kids” have some fun for once. My red and white striped room shines brighter from the sun and my white furniture just gets whiter. All the throw pillows are on the hardwood floor over my moon rug.

'The sun is shining brightly in this July summer morning.' sounds a bit excessive. I suggest taking out either 'July' or 'summer'.
I would change 'Finally summer has started a couple weeks ago which lets us "kids" have some fun for once.' to Summer finally started a couple of weeks ago, letting "us kids" have some fun for once.
The description of Lily's room is, to me, way too abrupt and straight-forward. Instead of showing me what her room looks like, you just had her tell me about every single inch of her room. I notice that you do this description overload with your characters and settings all throughout this piece, so I won't be elaborating on them much after this. Try being a bit mor imaginative with these, it makes it much more interesting.

My phone starts ringing and I answer it.

“Hello…?”

“Good you’re there Lily-,” my best friend July says. She has been my best friend since the first day of middle school. July always was the person that you could trust and loves all the gossip. She has short brown reddish hair and green eyes-she’s Irish. All her jokes make you laugh until your stomach hurts!

Strangely placed hyphen after 'Lily'.
I'm not sure how many people trust gossips, I don't.

I can’t tell the time by looking at the sun like people in the old times.

Cute, but random.

“I just woke up July,” even though she has an awkward name-it matches her personality completely.

Unless Lily is telling someone that she just woke up her best friend, "I just woke up July,” should be "I just woke up, July!" or even "July, I just woke up!"
I don't know why July is considered 'an awkward name'. I would say it's certainly 'unusual'.
Why does July's name match her personality? What does that have to do with the fact that Lily 'just woke up'?

I start looking over the city and see people walking through the tight streets eating ice cream, talking on their cell phones, running to get to work and much more. My family is pretty lucky to get an apartment with a balcony in the middle of the big city, Chicago. Our flat has about 3 bed rooms. So you can see what I mean by “lucky”.

Random.

I get inside my room and open my closet. Since it’s burnin’ hot today I should probably go with spaghetti strings and shorts. I grab my favorite sky blue top with prints of glasses on it and my dark jean shorts. I walk into the bathroom and wash up.

I would consider rewriting this part, or leaving it out. It sounds like Lily, who was originally telling her story to me, the reader, is now talking to herself.
Also, I think the fact that you describe every aspect of the outfit (which you do later, as well) cheapens the story a bit.

“Please, talk to him about me, that’s all you have to do-pleassssse?”

The way you wrote please is, a tad tacky. Also, it doesn't sound right. When I read that, I hear July saying it, hissing like a snake. It is as though you've put too much emphasis on the 's' sound. To bring the sound that I'm assuming you were trying to describe, you should have wrote 'pleeeease', though I highly suggest you use a more attractive alternative like 'please'.

We are at Olive Garden. The feeling is romantic and the Italian food just compliments it.

Okay, please don't hate me, but I wouldn't refer to Olive Garden as 'romantic' and I have no idea why the food would compliment it.

We are quiet for a moment as we eat. The smell from the lasagna is amazing-you can smell the rich chesse, oregano, meat, and tomato sauce all at once. It smells like this restaurant actually. A lot of people around us are eating the same thing. One baby starts crying at the table behind us making my ears ring from pain.

“Crap-that baby is loud,” I cover my ears.
“Duh, it’s a baby.” David says.

You could leave the description of the food, but I have no idea where the baby comes in.. it's an odd choice for an ice breaker, doesn''t make David sound like a very nice kid, and just doesn't start a worthwhile conversation.. Try again?

July likes these kinds of guys that are complete gentleman-what I mean by that is, they don’t like extreme sports and are not adventurous. She likes these kinds of guys that would do everything and anything for her. The guy she imagines wears elegant clothes and not what David wears. What got into her head?

Wait a second, I could have sworn you described David as polite when Lily first met him. You also said July had a thing for bad boys. You've switched these!

I’ve finished telling my story so I just shut up.

This should be 'I've finished telling my story, so I just shut up.'

“I’m coming over and I don’t know if she doesn’t think that we had kissed or something.”
“Kissed?” I yell out loud which makes July look at me with a mad face.
“I didn’t mean that we did or anything it’s just, my other girlfriends thought when I went out with one of my friends, which happened to be girls, they were afraid that I left them.” He explains in a hurry.
“Oh, ok-she doesn’t think that, no way she doesn’t.”

Lily starts to get confused and I just leave that alone.

“So, I’m coming-bye.”
“Bye,” We hang up.
“Kissed?” Lily yells this time.
I put my phone in my purse and zip it up.
“Nothing, it was a joke July,”
“Oh ok,”
I get up and pick up my purse. “Gotta go home, its 7,”
“Okay, bye.” We hug each other and I leave-still thinking about David.


I'm not really sure what the kissing joke was all about.. I don't get it, I guess you could say.


WELL, that's that. I really hope you take some of my suggestions into consideration! This was my first post here, and I put more time and effort into it than my last English essay. (I'm serious.. this is longer too!)

All in all, it's a very cute idea for a middle-school audience.

-Eme




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I lov ethis "Fake Date" is one of my favorite novels of yours!

Michelle
Hope you like my 'Books'!
Kocham Cie(:
-Michelle



It's unsettling to know how little separates each of us from another life altogether.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore