Chapt 2:Not after everything we'd shared

Not after everything we'd shared.
Chapt 2: Nobody said it was easy but no one told me it was this hard.

I woke up feeling confident and ready to face whatever challenge the world threw at me. As I dressed I rehearsed what I’d say to Luke.
I get it. Love hurts but I’m here to help you through whatever it is you’re going through.

The morning slid by and soon I was enjoying the bus ride, listening to the sound of screeching T.B.S students. Mia sat beside me blabbering away about some science test she was sure she’d fail which I was sure she wouldn't as she practically lived and breathed science. Frustrated by her constant chatter I clamped my hand down sharply on her mouth, “YOU.WILL.NOT.FAIL.THE.ONLY.THING.YOU.FAIL.TO.DO.IS.STOP. TALKING!” I said before peeling my hands from her mouth shaking them vigorously in an attempt to rid myself of her saliva. She giggled. “That is not trueee and plus if I did stop talking you would miss it you know?” I gave her my famous are you doing your best to torture me look dismissing the fact that she might be right. We were soon walking in the iron school gates telling each other we’d meet up after class. I bolted down the corridor to my locker, grabbed my books and arrived in science class five minutes late just in time for a lecture of why it’s important to be organized. I nodded my apologies then rolled my eyes at the class and winked before taking my seat at the back of the lab. The first three periods drifted by quickly. I groaned as I looked at the amount of homework I had already, tossing my auburn hair in irritation. I jumped at the sound of the bell and smiled as I made my way to Luke’s locker. I froze. His locker was empty and the two grounds men were busy scrubbing earnestly at the marks and stains on the door. I walked up to them and asked,
“Why are you cleaning Luke’s locker?”
“He’s left the school s’far I know I’m just doing my job,” The tall one grunted then turned back to his passionate scrubbing.
Left the school? And he didn’t tell me?
I slumped against the wall in despair and anguish. He’d left without even saying goodbye. Then I remembered our conversation on the phone the previous night.
Alicia.. don't do this, let it go okay?
I know and I'm sorry but.. it's complicated. It's for your own good. I have to do something and well, I have to leave the country for a year and it's better that we're apart. It's not easy to explain or for you to understand but.. please just know that I'm not being.. I don't know but I still care enough not to bring you through this.
He had mentioned it, maybe it just hadn’t dawned on me. This was really happening to me-Luke had left to an unknown country for a year. I’d woken up feeling confident but now there was none of it left. I felt alone, insecure and had the impulsive feeling of screaming,
‘Why is this happening to me? Why is love so hard to understand?
And suddenly I understood what coldplay meant when they wrote the 'The scientist',
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Mia sat beside me blabbering away about some science test she was sure she’d fail, which I was sure she wouldn't as she practically lived and breathed science.

I like this sentence

“You.will.not.fail.the.only.thing.you.fail.to.do.is. to.stop.talking!!”

Love this sentence!!

“That is not trueee and anyways if I did stop talking you would miss it, you know?”

Although this shouldn't be spelt like this I'm taking your side in this argument in my brain and will only say that it should be spelt truuue not "trueee".

I gave her my famous are-you-doing-your-best-to-torture-me-? look, dismissing the fact that she might be right.

This was really happening to me - Luke had left to an unknown country for a year.

‘Why is this happening to me? Why is love so hard to understand?

I don't think you need the apostrophe at the beginning...

And suddenly I understood what Coldplay meant when they wrote the 'The Scientist',

This another gripping chapter!! Although there's still not much plot in the story... It needs a good backbone and right now I only see a bit of jelly...

Keep writing!
Alzora

I'm really getting in to this, truely amazing. You have just a couple of mistakes.
Try and make this longer, did she do the test? Was it hard, or was she to busy thinking about what she would say to Luke?
“YOU.WILL.NOT.FAIL.THE.ONLY.THING.YOU.FAIL.TO.DO.IS.STOP. TALKING!” lOVE THIS.
I think you need to slow down and consentrate on what you are writing. Remember it's suppose to be fun, and you should know everything about your book including the plot.

Tanka everyone!!!!
I know I'm really slow about getting in the plot still trying to work out what happens with Luke, like why he left? Anyhow will write more a.s.a.p.

Thanks for reviews..
Kaka x

Hiya again! It's Luxy here, as promised. Red is grammar/spelling, purple is word choice, and blue is my commentary.

kakagirl wrote:Not after everything we'd shared.
Chapt 2: Nobody said it was easy but no one told me it was this hard.

I woke up feeling confident and ready to face whatever challenge the world threw at me. As I dressed, I rehearsed what I’d say to Luke.
I get it. Love hurts but I’m here to help you through whatever it is you’re going through. Ok, this is the part where she is about to pour her heart and soul out to the love of her life. The sentences you have are great starters, but I think that there should be a little more density to her paragraph. Make it like a monologue almost.

The morning slid by and soon I was enjoying the bus ride, listening to the sound of screeching T.B.S students. Mia sat beside me blabbering away about some science test she was sure she’d fail which I was sure she wouldn't as she practically lived and breathed science. I don't remember being introduced to Mia in the first chapter. Maybe give a little intro on who she is and the role she plays in Alicia's life. Frustrated by her constant chatter I clamped my hand down sharply on her mouth, “YOU.WILL.NOT.FAIL.THE.ONLY.THING.YOU.FAIL.TO.DO.IS.STOP. TALKING!” I said something more 'pizzazy' before peeling my hands from her mouth, shaking them vigorously in an attempt to rid myself of her saliva I love that!.
New paragraphShe giggled. “That is not trueee I italicized this. It doesn't have to be, but I think it would be more of a way to show how stereotypically girly Mia is. ,and plus, if I did stop talking you would miss it you know?” I gave her my famous are you doing your best to torture me look, dismissing the fact that she might be right. We were soon walking in the iron school gates telling each other we’d meet up after class. I think you should say that they left the bus. That's just me being nitpicky though.
New paragraph. I bolted down the corridor to my locker, grabbed my books and arrived in science class five minutes late. Just in time for a lecture of why it’s important to be organized. I nodded my apologies, then rolled my eyes at the class and winked before taking my seat at the back of the lab the wink seems a little random..
New paragraph.The first three periods drifted by quickly. I groaned as I looked at the amount of homework I had already and tossed my auburn hair in irritation. I jumped at the sound of the bell and smiled as I made my way to Luke’s locker. Talk more about her walk to Luke's locker because it seems like she leavers her class and then is, boom, right at Luke's locker getting the biggest shock. Build some anticipation. I froze. His locker was empty and the two grounds men were busy scrubbing earnestly at the marks and stains on the door. I walked up to them and asked more pizzazy word here like 'demanded', “Why are you cleaning Luke’s locker?”
“He’s left the school. S’far as I know, I’m just doing my job,” the tall one grunted then turned back to his passionate I don't know if 'passionate' is the word I would use, but its up to you scrubbing.
Left the school? And 'And' or 'why' would work here. he didn’t tell me?
I slumped against the wall in despair and anguish. He’d left without even saying goodbye. Then I remembered our conversation on the phone the previous night.
Alicia.. don't do this. Let it go okay?
I know and I'm sorry but.. it's complicated. It's for your own good. I have to do something, and well, I have to leave the country for a year and it's better that we're apart. It's not easy to explain or for you to understand, but... please just know that I'm not being... I don't know, but I still care enough not to bring you through this.
He had mentioned it, maybe it just hadn’t dawned on me This last part of the sentence doesn't really need to be here, but its okay if you want to keep it. This was really happening to me: Luke had left to an unknown country for a year. I’d woken up feeling confident, but now there was none of it left. I felt alone, insecure and had the impulsive feeling of screaming, ‘Why is this happening to me? Why is love so hard to understand?
And suddenly I understood what Coldplay meant when they wrote 'The Scientist',
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Grammar:
Alright, all my real grammatical nitpicks are in the quote. Mostly it was the commas again. A thing that I just noticed a couple of times was when you were starting a quote, you would put a comma, then you would indent and have the actual quote under the comma. I know that I probably am not making sense when I say that, but I think that I fixed it up above so you can refer to that. Just put a single space between the comma and the quotation mark and you're good.

Word Choice:
The word choice in here was pretty much flawless... the only places I thought you could change a word are marked above. I don't know why, but the janitor 'passionately' scrubbing at the locker makes me laugh. That was great! I know I colored it in, but I think you could leave it.

Overall:
I still am loving your story line! I think there is sooooo much emotion behind your MC's actions and I think that this has great potential. There are two things that I would like to see though. One, I think it would be great for a little background on Alicia and Luke. Their relationship, their background, them as a whole. I'm not going into much detail on that, so if you have questions on that PM and I'll go into more. The other thing that I think would be great is a little bit more development on Alicia. I think trying to dive into her character and letting us as readers get to know her better would be very good and will help us get more out of the story. I think that she is well developed already, but a little bit more on how she thinks would help out. The last thing I want to talk about is the ending to this. I think that your ending with the Coldplay lyrics was very good. I also think that you should add more onto it afterward because ending it with that seems to cut it off a little short.

I love this story soooooo much! Keep me posted on when you come out with more!
Luxy

Thanks luxy!
You wrote;

I don't know why, but the janitor 'passionately' scrubbing at the locker makes me laugh. That was great! I know I colored it in, but I think you could leave it.

I was kind of in a pot hole on what word to put there so I looked up a couple of words that I thought might fit. Passionatly was a weird word to use but I thought it added a little humor to such a heart breaking situation for her. I can kind of see a guy hugging his locker and sreamin, "Myyy locker!!"
Haha,
Thanks everyone for your reveiws. More chapters will be coming.
Kaka
Merry christmas x

It's me again! x3

You know the drill now. I'll give you a review on this chapter, and when it comes to the next one, I'll see if I can give you a review on what you have of the novel overall.

After reading the chapter, I'm not sure if I have anything to add to my last review, to be honest. I'm still not feeling that connected to Alicia due to not knowing much about her, but that can be fixed in the first chapter. One thing though... You said this:

I know I'm really slow about getting in the plot

Not true! x3 If anything, you need to slow things down a bit. Don't feel as though you have to jump into all of the action straight away because, if I'm honest, the most important thing at the beginning of a novel is makign sure that your readers feel connected to the MC. It's great if you can get some plot details in too, but I don't personally think that it's the most important thing. In the end, why would people want to read about characters that they don't really care for?

Right now, I like the little mystery you have here. There's obviously something a bit odd going on with Luke. I hope ther is, at least. I so hope he's a spy or something. It's good because little mysterious things like that in a story keep people reading and keep people interested. Taking that into account, don't worry too much about speeding things up and revealing why Luke is going away. If you keep that fact a bit of a mystery for a while, you'll keep people even more interested than they already are.

I think that's it for this chapter... Hopefully, I'll have more ot add in my next review! As for this chapter, I don't have anything new to add to my review of last time really. Your grammar is still a bit off, but like I said, it's nothing that you can't fix. With a bit of revision and editing, this could be a really nice piece of writing, kaka.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Again thank you so much;

I hope he's a spy or something.

I hadn't really thought about that one. Haha
I think you'll find its a bit of a different something!!
Anyhow I'm glad you like it, I was abit scared about this chapter.
Merry christmas
Kaka xx

Ok, Flow here as requested!

To be honest I don't think you have moved things along very much. I think this could have been added to the last chapter because pretty much the same things happened. We already knew he was leaving, but I want to know why. I know you will get into this later, but your plot is moving really slow.

I really liked reading about the bus ride. I think you flowed from that to school very easily and efficently. Most people don't really know how to make that jump, but you did this nicely.

I didn't really see any gramatical errors that havn't been pointed out already. I still think you could use some deeper description. You could have given a locker schedule that he followed that she always knew. Give some details about how he looks, or even her looks. I know she has auburn hair and blue eyes, but is she skinny? Does she have any weird habits we need to know about. Wer can't really connect to her at all right now. All we know is that she is in love with this boy, and that's really it.

Other than that I really like it. I think you should indent your paragraphs, as I said before, but except for that I really love this story.

I will review the rest of the chapters soon.

-Flow-

Back again!
Where is Luke????
I want to know where he is soo badly and why he won't tell her anything? Is he sick with a terminal illness? Hiding from something?
Again pretty much everything has been said.
Here's what I have for you, from the last chapter not much has happened, and I almost feel like this could have been included in the last chapter and I would not even have noticed. It would have fit right in. Also as a few others have said, I don't really know anything about the girl. I need something to set this story apart from every other romance where guy breaks up with girl. I need details! What makes her life different from any average girl's life? Does she have any flaws? Favorite foods? What kind of clothing does she like to wear?

That aside everything else was good as usual, I love the sentence about the janitor passionately scrubbing the locker, that made gave me a good laugh as I pictured that in my mind I also love the bus scene you described and all the saliva!
Other than that the suspense is killing me, I hope I get some answers soon!
~day