The Inch

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The Inch

- - - - - - -

A Songfic

Song: 'White Horse' by Taylor Swift

Edited Lyrics (Boy Version)

- - - - - - -

It was high noon, but the daylight was grayed by the thick clouds. Haniel and Elina were sitting on a wooden swing in the garden of Elina’s home. They were shaded with vines crawling in the styled wooden arc where the swing was hung.

[Intro plays]

“I don’t see any hope for us, Haniel,” said Elina desolately, as she looked down on her simple white dress.

“What are you talking about?” replied Haniel, who was wearing a cheap, plain white polo.
“My father would never approve you…

And he has already betrothed me with some rich bachelor…” continued the lady.

“No! There could still be hope for us…” uttered Haniel.

“Elina?” called a man in a deep and angry voice, “Elina!”

“That’s my father. You must go,” the girl spoke.

“Will we meet again?” Haniel asked in a silent manner.

“No…We are leaving tomorrow,” the girl continued, teary-eyed.

“What!?” said the guy, surprised.

“No!” he continued, “This can’t be our last meeting.”

“Elina?” the angry voice called again.

“You should go…” murmured Elina.

[First Verse]
{Say you’re sorry
That face of an angel
Smiles up so happily at you
As I sang back and forth
All this time
‘Cause I thought that we can make it through}

[First Refrain]
{Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid boy, I should have known,
I should have known}

[Chorus]
{That I’m not a prince and}

Haniel walked away slowly, looking back at Elina, hands in his pockets. He exited the garden through the small, white wooden gate.

{This ain’t a fairytale}

Elina was also looking at Haniel as she remained sitting on the swing.

{I’m not the one to sweep you off your feet
And lead you up the stairwell}

Haniel got on his white horse and gave his last glance at Elina who was already on the stairs to their doorstep. She was also looking back, still teary-eyed.

{This ain’t Hollywood
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before all your hopes went down}

Elina opened and entered the door slowly.

{Now, it’s too late for me and my white horse}

Then, Haniel finally rode away.

{To come around}

- - - - - - -

{Baby, I was naïve}

Haniel was on his bed asleep, dreaming of himself and Elina, staring at each other’s eyes.

{Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance

My mistake, I didn’t know how to be in love}

Haniel woke up and pulled his blanket.

{You had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me}

He sat above their house’s roof, observing Elina’s manor.

{Happy endings, now I know}

[Chorus Repeats]
{That I’m not a prince and}

People started coming out of the manor as a white covered horse carriage arrives.

{This ain’t a fairytale}

Haniel slid down the roof, grabbed his coat and pulled it on.

{I’m not the one to sweep you off your feet}

Elina stepped out of the door, ready to leave.

{And lead you up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood}

Haniel rode his horse and departed for Elina.

{This is a small town
I was a dreamer before all your hopes went down}

Elina looked back at the road behind nostalgically before getting in the carriage.

{Now, it’s too late for me and my white horse}

The carriage left.

{To come around}

Haniel was racing on his horse to catch up with Elina.

[Interlude]

Elina, sitting on the seat facing backwards, saw Haniel behind.

She ordered the carriage to stop and hurried down from the carriage.

The carriage stopped in front of a short stone bridge above a narrow river.

Haniel dismounted from the horse.

The father, sitting at the opposite of Elina’s previous position, looked behind and also
saw Haniel.

He followed Elina with two armed men who got down from in front of the carriage.

He pulled Elina’s left arm immediately as he reached her and ordered one of the men to
shoot Haniel.

The latter was shot above his center chest.

“Haniel!” shouted Elina as the man tapped his gun.

[Bridge]
{And now I’m down on my knees}

Haniel dropped on his knees and fell on all fours.

{Losing my chances
Crying for thee}

Elina’s dad loosened his grip on her daughter and the latter ran toward Haniel.

{Don’t lose your hope, please
I am sorry}

The latter finally lied his left side down on the ground.

Elina crouched down to check on Haniel.

“Haniel…” she called worriedly.

Elina stood up crying, looked back at her father and told the man to shoot her too.

[Last Chorus]
{I can’t be your prince and}

“No!” cried Haniel despite of pain.

{It’s the end of our fairytale}

Elina stayed and remained sure. She looked at her father.

Her father nodded in compassion, let a tear flow, turned back, and closed his eyes.

“Are you sure, sir?” asked the man.

“Yes,” answered Elina’s father.

Then Elina was shot above the left breast and fell beside Haniel, facing him.

{There will never be a happy day
When I won’t have to bid you farewell}

Why?” asked Haniel, fighting his tears.

{It’s just a small world
Same as this small town
I’m having a blurred view; it’s all disappearing now}

“It will not be worth living without you,” answered Elina.

{And, it’s too late for me and my white horse
Now, it’s too late for me and my white horse
To catch you now}

“I love you,” Elina continued.

“I love you too,” answered Haniel.

And they tried to kiss each other, their first and last kiss.

{Who-who-ah, I can’t catch you now
Oh…It’s too late…}

And they died when there’s only an inch left between their lips.

{…To catch you now}

- The End -
Last edited by Caerulean on Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:17 pm, edited 33 times in total.
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




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Hey!
I really like this (: I think it's quite a refreshing idea to write something like this, because I've never read a piece like this one on YWS. I think it's good, but you have a few grammatical errors, and you should add more detail to the story. For example, when the two characters are conversing, you forget the full stop sometimes (:
Other than that, I think it has potential to be better.
x
Shishu95
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Shishu95 wrote:Hey!
I really like this (: I think it's quite a refreshing idea to write something like this, because I've never read a piece like this one on YWS. I think it's good, but you have a few grammatical errors, and you should add more detail to the story. For example, when the two characters are conversing, you forget the full stop sometimes (:
Other than that, I think it has potential to be better.
x
Shishu95


I am able to edit my story. Please read it again if you would like to. :D




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Hey Whisperer! Welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella and I will be your reviewer today...

Um, just a tip regarding security- if that's your real name at the top, you might want to delete it, just because... most of the members here are trustworthy but you can never be too careful...

So, onto the review! It's funny, I'm listening to Taylor Swift right now, so I'm going to put White Horse on while I read...

My reviews all work the same way, I'll give you a list of Nitpicks, little comments and things, then specific things I think you could improve, and then an overall impression of the piece. Okay? Here goes...

I. NITPICKS

on a cradle


On a cradle?


As I sang back and forth


Sang back and forth?

His hands were in his pockets.


I'll comment on this later...

gave his last glance


I'd change "his" to "a"...

People started getting out of the manor


Coming out, perhaps?

runs toward Haniel.


ran

Okay...

II. FORMATTING

This is just a small thing, what with the brackets and all... maybe it would be better with the song lyrics in italics? Just would make it easier to read...

III. SHOW AND TELL

Look at these two examples:

"I saw a dog. The dog was black and it had big floppy ears. I bent down and scratched them and it wagged its tail, which was hairy."

"I looked down and saw a little black dog. I bent and scracthed its floppy ears and it wagged its hairy tale."

Which looks better?

A lot of what you wrote was the first one, which is telling. The example I put there was "His hands were in his pockets." Why not say, "Haniel stuffed his hands in his pockets as he walked through the gates?" It seems more natural, and easier to read. That's called "showing", showing us what's happening rather than just telling us about it, and in a piece like this it can make all the difference.

IV. EMOTION AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

A friend was once told by an English teacher never to kill a character in a short story, because you don't have enough time to create a character which the reader will feel for when they die, and it fills the story way too much with melodrama.

Here, you kill both of your characters, with very little development of them... I'd like to know more about them before they die. Also, I want to see about her father. Would he really kill his own daughter so readily? I mean, really? Does he not love her at all? Then show us his cruelty and hatred in another part... no father I know would be prepared to kill his daughter if he loved her, for whatever reason.

I did find the ending very melodramatic and a bit "Whoa, take a step back..." It could use some reworking, or at least develop your characters first. Show us who they are, what they're like, tell us why they love each other so much that they would be willing to die for each other. This is an emotion driven piece, so fill that in. What compels Haniel to go after her? What's he thinking when he gets on the horse?

V. OVERALL

Quite atmospheric, I liked the use of song lyrics, it worked very well. I think a bit of editing and it can be really good!

I hope I helped, and feel free to drop me a note if you need anything,

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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The story was meant to be short and cut and have less details because it's just to accompany the song. For those who want more details, wait and I'll be making the full version. Just imagine this one to be like a music video. And, sorry about 'telling', it was supposed to be like a script. Remember, this is just like a music video. The only thing is it's written. So, I'm having a hard time XD

Don't worry, guys. I'll change it later!




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This is SO creative and amazing! I could never have thought of this idea. It's also one of my favorite songs! The way you add some of the lyrics in the story was good, but at first was a little confusing. I liked how it flowed with Romeo and Juliet, but was diffrent and put with lyrics of a song. This is a good piece. Please PM me when other stories of yours come out.

Sparkle




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Hey, Whisperer!

I'm sorry for forgetting about reviewing this. It just got lost in my inbox and that thing moves fast. >.>
Anyway, I'm here now.
“I don’t see any hope for us, Haniel,” said Elina in desolately, as she looked down on her simple white dress.

In desolately?

“What are you talking about?” replied the guy, who was wearing a cheap, plain white polo.
“My father would never approve you…

I don't like the use of 'they guy' here. You've already mentioned his name so why not just say 'replied Haniel'? It's more fluid and easier to say. I've noticed you do this in your writing a few times.
“No! There could still be hope for us…!” uttered Haniel.

Why the ellipsis when you're going to add an exclamation mark?
“Will we meet again?” Haniel asked calmly and silently.

I think I've told you this before, you over use adverbs. 'Calmly and silently' it's too much to picture and we can already infer 'how' your character is saying the line by the words and the setting so you don't need to push it out further by adding more descriptive dialogue tags and what not. If I were you, I cut out the calmly and silently here.
Elina, sitting on the seat facing backwards saw Haniel behind.

I think from this part and beyond, you could have added some more deeper description. I feel like this is the part before the climax and should be given some more attention.

“Why??” asked Haniel, fighting his tears.

The why doesn't need a double question mark. If you were aiming for that 'why' affect, try italics.

Overall


I did enjoy reading this. I've read the inch so this songfic makes the ending in your previous short story a bit more clear and understandable. Back when I was reading the short story, I found the ending to be a bit confusing because I wasn't sure why the father shot his daughter. In fact, that part still confuses me because the father did love his daughter, otherwise there wouldn't be a need for him to tear up like he did even if he detested their love. For a father to kill his daughter, I mean...that takes some serious business.

Talking about that little bit, I find that maybe you should make him more angry. Like he experiences a moment of anger and that makes him shot her or something. Anyway, as far as I know, I liked this and the connection it had with the story. It was good and like Stella had mentioned, I think the lyrics would seem better without the little bracket things and just in italics. Overall, I enjoyed reading this. I usually like your songfics even thought I don't know much about them or anything. PM me if you have any questions.

-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham



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