Lie To Me~4

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Spoiler
Since I am the mistress of paraphrasing, this spoiler shall contain a one to two-sentence summary of each chapter

Chapter 1-We are introduced to the main characters, Melody, Josh, Marty and Tyler, Tyler is the love interest. We also learn that Melody's old boyfriend Nathan committed suicide.
Chapter 2-We meet Melody's best friend (Kara) and Melody's mother. Melody fights with her mother a lot
Chapter 3-Another chapter with Melody at home. She and her mother have a fight.


Good news! (Or maybe not) I just conformed and made a club for this novel! Follow? Please?
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4




It stood right before me. A quaint, two level house with turrets and a balcony off one of the upper rooms. The mailbox read ‘Shaw’, and I was sure. This was the house of Tyler Shaw.

I ran up the stone steps, heavy laptop case banging on my leg. I had left the house under the premise of returning ‘Kara’s’ laptop. Instead, I have looked up Tyler’s address in the phonebook, and had taken the next bus.

I knocked on the door, then reached down to adjust my jean shorts, which were, a little on the short side for me to be comfortable. They were actually Kara’s; I stole them and never gave them back.

The door opened and Tyler stepped up. His dark hair, almost black, was dripping wet. His worn, red band t-shirt had wet spots, and he wore jean shorts.

“Melody.” He said, shock and surprise covering his tones, “awesome. Come in.” He held the door open for me, and I shot him a sheepish smile.

“I had to get out of my house.” I explained, “my mother is very over controlling, and annoys me.”

“I get that.” Tyler said, “and I’m glad you decided to waste your time with me.” I giggled.

“Actually, I have some band business. Now, I know I haven’t been lead singer for over twenty-four hours, but I do know the lead singer is supposed to come up with songs and stuff.” I pulled my laptop from my bag as we sat at the kitchen table. I opened my song file, and turned it to him.

“I’ve had these written for a couple of years now.” I explained. I looked at the wooden table, somewhat embarrassed.

“These are good.” Tyler said, “we could really use these. Especially this one. ‘Sorry’.” I stared at him.

“Really?” I asked, “are you sure.” Tyler looked up at me, grinning.

“We really could use these. Awesome.” He said. I frowned slightly, thinking of something else.

“Wild.” I said suddenly. Tyler scrunched up his nose.

“What?” he asked.

“Wild. Why did you name your band ‘Wild’?” I asked, “was it some sort of thing?” Tyler traced little circles on the table top with his forefinger. A dark look passed over his handsome face, and I never wanted to see that look again.

“It was somewhat a thing. It was going to be called ‘Young Hearts Stay Wild.’” Tyler explained, “though that was too long and girly.” I locked eyes with him for another intense moment. I could feel heat rising to my cheeks.

“Come on.” Tyler said suddenly, “I want to show you something.” He grabbed my arm, pulling me up. Warm electricity shot though my arm and I shivered.

He pulled me up a set to spindle stairs, down a hallway, and to a door painted black. It read his name in neon green letters.

“Your bedroom?” I asked, “is this your bedroom?” Tyler turned to me and grinned.

“So you like music, right?” he asked. I shook my head. I usually only listened to the Top Forty Hits on the radio on the weekend mornings.

“Well, this will be wasted on you, then.” Tyler said, and he pushed open the door to his room.
Last edited by wonderland on Sat Jan 08, 2011 1:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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Grammar will be in green. My comments are in bold.

wickedwonder wrote:
Spoiler
Since I am the mistress of paraphrasing, this spoiler shall contain a one to two-sentence summary of each chapter

Chapter 1-We are introduced to the main characters, Melody, Josh, Marty and Tyler, Tyler is the love interest. We also learn that Melody's old boyfriend Nathan committed suicide.
Chapter 2-We meet Melody's best friend (Kara) and Melody's mother. Melody fights with her mother a lot
Chapter 3-Another chapter with Melody at home. She and her mother have a fight.



4




It stood right before me. A quaint, two level house with turrets and a balcony off one of the upper rooms. The mailbox read ‘Shaw’, and I was sure. This was the house of Tyler Shaw. Good hook into the story.

I ran up the stone steps, a heavy laptop case banging on my leg. I had left the house under the premise of returning ‘Kara’s’ laptop. Instead, I have You don't need have looked up Tyler’s address in the phonebook, and had taken the next bus.

I knocked on the door, then reached down to adjust my jean shorts, which were, a little on the short side for me to be comfortable. They were actually Kara’s; I borrowed them and never gave them back.

The door opened and Tyler stepped up. His dark hair, almost black, was dripping wet. HisSaying his again makes it sound a little repetitive. worn, red band t-shirt had wet spots, and he wore jean shorts.

“Melody.” He said, shock and surprise covering his tone, “awesome. Come in.” He held the door open for me, and I shot him a sheepish smile.

“I had to get out of my house.” I explained, “my mother is very over controlling, and annoys me.”

“I get that.” Tyler said, “and I’m glad you decided to waste your time with me.” I giggled.

“Actually, I have some band business. Now, I know I haven’t been a lead singer for over twenty-four hours, but I do know the lead singer is supposed to come up with songs and stuff.” I pulled my laptop from my bag as we sat at the kitchen table. Maybe to elaborate more try saying With a few clicks I opened my song file... I opened my song file, and turned it to him.

“I’ve had these written for a couple of years now.” I explained, looking at the wooden table, somewhat embarrassed. Before Tyler says these are good in the next sentence add something to show that time has passed. If you do that it'll make it sound like he didn't say These are good in the next moment, but he read it and then said These are good. Do you get it???

“These are good.” Tyler said, “we could really use these. Especially this one. ‘Sorry’.” I stared at him.

“Really?” I asked, “are you sure?” Tyler looked up at me, grinning.

“We really could use these. Awesome.Tyler already said awesome before. Try using a different word” He said. I frowned slightly, thinking of something else to say.

“Wild.” I said suddenly. Tyler scrunched up his nose.

“What?” he asked.

“Wild. Why did you name your band ‘Wild’?” I asked, “was it some sort of thing?” Tyler traced little circles on the table top with his forefinger. A dark look passed over his handsome face, a look that I never wanted to see again.

“It was somewhat a thing. It was going to be called ‘Young Hearts Stay Wild.’” Tyler explained, “though that was too long and girly.” I locked eyes with him for another intense moment. I could feel heat rising to my cheeks. The last couple paragraphs were good. I have an idea why he name the band Young Hears Stay Wild (:

“Come on.” Tyler said suddenly, “I want to show you something.” He grabbed my arm, pulling me up. Warm electricity shot though my arm saying my arm again makes it sound repetitiveand I shivered.

He pulled me up a set of spindle stairs, down a hallway, and to a door painted black. It read his name written, painted, drawn??? in neon green letters.

“Your bedroom?” I asked, “is this your bedroom?” Tyler turned to me and grinned.

“So you like music, right?” he asked. I noddedWhen you said shook it made me think of shaking her head nomy head. I usually only listened to the Top Forty Hits on the radio on the weekend mornings. Wait so was she shaking her head no or yes. Try re-wording it so it's more clear to the reader.

“Well, this will be wasted on you, then.” Tyler said, and he pushed open the door to his room. I really liked the ending.




This was good. Other than the few nitpicks I mentioned above this was very well written. I can't wait to read the next one (: Hope I could help!



-lilgreendots <3
Incarceron is a prison like no other
It gives life
It deals death

It Watches All

Incarceron
By: Catherine Fisher


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