Remember

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Do you remember
Those long nights
We spent underneath the stars
Listening, talking, wishing, waiting?

Do you remember
The day so long ago
That you held me in your arms
And told me you loved me so?

Do you remember
That harsh, cold, blizzard
When you spoke the words
That were as cold and icy as the storm outside?

I remember
The night I wished for you to be mine
The day you filled my heart
The day you broke it

I remember
Last edited by Forestqueen808 on Fri Jan 07, 2011 3:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf




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I'll cut straight to the chase.

The first stanza is good. I have one suggestion for the second:

That you held me in your arms
And told me you loved me so? I would cut out the "so," it is cliched and detracts from the feeling of the poem.


When you spoke the words
That were as mean and icy as the storm outside? Change "mean" to "cold." Even if it is a bit superfluous, I feel it more than I do "mean."


I remember
The night I wished for you to be mine
The day you told me you felt the same way "The day you filled my heart"
And the day you broke my heart "And the day you broke it." ...or something like that.


And you finish with an amazing "I remember." Love that.

I applaud your ability to affect readers' emotions with this poem. Your placement and line breaking is flawless. I also simply adore the fact that the first three stanzas are questions, and then you, in a way, answer the questions in the last one. Very nice.

Hopefully you found my review helpful in one way or another. Keep writing!
#TNT

WRFF




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A good poem mate... It surely invokes emotions and that is really good...
It somehow or the other will always relate to the reader...
Really a very good one...
It surely did remind me of my ex
Keep writing mate... :)
PM me for anything... :D
Are you living for the things you are praying for?



I'll show my defiance through ironic obedience!
— AstralHunter