How to be Awkward

ireylcadence · 2010-12-23T02:15:34Z

Last-minute homework assignment. I'm scared to read what I wrote. How many times have you found yourself at a party where the only people you even slightly know are the host and some far-removed fifth cousin, and with neither to be found, you edge yourself to the group fidgeting on the couch, open your mouth, and come off as absolutely, undeniably smooth? And how many times have you been pointed out and laughed at by your so-called friends for your absolutely incorrigible eloquence and sociability, no matter how you try to shirk the title? Here, then, is a guide for those unfortunate souls branded as artful, adroit, and elegant (there’s no need to be embarrassed) to the fine art and necessary skill of, well, in short, awkwardness. For the sake of time and space, let’s abridge our instructions to the three most important points. Remember as you are reading that there is no use in only understanding the theories if you don’t put the knowledge to practice—in other words, don’t talk the talk without walking the walk. One: First things first—take everything to the extreme. Exaggerate. As a dabbler in brusqueness, this should be your mantra. Forget about the easygoing, well-oiled mannerisms that mark you out as “graceful” or “refined”. When a kindly looking socialite at the aforementioned party offers you a try at his or her homemade potato salad (“home-grown, kosher spuds!”), exaggerate —take two generous, squelchy heapings (or as much as the plate can bear), then thrust your face into that of your amiable benefactor, and proclaim from the depths of your diaphragm, “WHY, THANK YOU MOST GRACIOUSLY, MY JOLLY FRIEND. YOU MUST HAVE HEARD THE RUMBLINGS OF MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM FROM LIGHTYEARS AWAY.” Then proceed to make small-talk of whatever subject that can come to mind—the architecture, the date, the pastiness of the salad—because, of course, you must show off your gratefulness in the most extreme manner possible. A few jokes (yes, you should try too hard) wouldn’t hurt either—“Why do potatoes make good detectives? They must keep their eyes peeled!” If, suppose, you would prefer not to strain your vocal cords so much, there is no need to worry. It is also possible to exaggerate in the other extreme—the uncouth are rather versatile. The same socialite now comes to you asking if you would mind helping him take a picture with his fellow potato-munching friends. You are feeling apathetic and would rather not take up the request—but instead of just easily differing— dramatize your indifference. Ignore the camera that the good fellow is offering to you and instead take a good stare into the depth of his eyes. Don’t allow your mouth to utter a single sound. Put on a wry smile if you find it necessary. Roll your eyes as far as they may go. If you can succeed in making the man leave, then you have learned exaggeration well—the sign of a successful oaf is the ability to make others feel as ill-at-ease as you do. Two: Know the norm—and divert. Key to making others feel uncomfortable is throwing them in situations that they would be ill-suited to deal with. Language choice is one way. Diction (as you might know it from your AP Language classes) can be utilized fairly easily to play to your needs. Start small: Go to your history teacher, and start asking him questions relating to factorials and derivatives, using terms that only a math textbook would contain. Once mastered, make this a habit—adopt a manner of speech, with its particular sentence structures and jargon, whether it be Shakespearian, Quaker-like, Jedi-like, or utterly Instruction Manual-esque, and make it a habit to speak thus, especially if it is entirely out of context with your surroundings. Once the tactics in terms of speaking are learned, diverting from the norm in other manners will be (to use a hackneyed phrase that absolutely does not belong in an AP assignment) “a piece of cake”. Three: Be conscious-- --of everything. Including the piece of Romanian lettuce wedged between your partner’s two front teeth, the acne making little constellations across his or her face, the way his or her munching on the referenced salad sounds particularly loud in the awkward (congratulations!) silence. And make sure your partner is conscious of these things too—by kindly giving them the hint by gazing absorbedly at whatever trouble spot there may be. For advanced gauche-masters, the subtle art of pretending to not notice might be an even more effective way of causing fidgeting in your very amicable partner. With all this said, once again, it is important to “put your knowledge to the test”. The author wishes the trainee all expediency—may the world claim another exemplar of awkwardness to its ranks!

MadameLuxestrange

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Sat Jan 01, 2011 7:18 pm

MadameLuxestrange says... · Sat Jan 01, 2011 7:18 pm

Hiya! This piece, as many others before me have said, was BRILLIANT. I don't know why but the whole part about the potato salad-making socialite made me twitch with laughter. I'm really eager to try this out on my friends. Most of them are so different from the other that this will be interesting to see who cracks first.
This was great!
Luxy

...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
Fear makes the wolf seem bigger.
I got attacked by a swan.

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Sierra

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Sat Jan 01, 2011 7:28 pm

Sierra says... · Sat Jan 01, 2011 7:28 pm

Oh my god. Oh my god.
I think this is one of of the best (if not the best) things I have ever read on here. Oh my god. You should write a text book on the Art of Awkwardness.

What a shame,
We used to be such fragile broken things.

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MissMadHatter

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Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:56 am

MissMadHatter says... · Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:56 am

I just loved it. Such a great idea. One of those things that make you jealous that you didn't come up with it! And I love it because its the opposite of, "How to be popular".

Anyways, keep on writing!
MissMadHatter

~Trovare un amico e` trovare un tesoro~

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budding writer

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Sun Jan 02, 2011 9:47 am

budding writer says... · Sun Jan 02, 2011 9:47 am

The only thing i got to say is , get ready for this:

HILLARIOUS!!!!
I swear i laughed from the beggining till the end!! This i gurantee you is simply genius. The title itself made me curious as to what i'd find inside, and yep i found a treasure. I am sure your teacher will be impressed with this.Its hard not to, unless of course she is hard heaeted.Well anyway i wish you the best of luck for whatever you get on the homework assignment. Don't worry this is sure to earn you atleast an A !! Please keep on writing more of this type. Comedy is so your thing.

-good luck!
buddy

## My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations ##

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Renn

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Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:46 pm

Renn says... · Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:46 pm

This is quite possibly one of the greatest things written of all time! I love this so much! I couldn't think of anything you could do to make this any better. Yeah I understand that I am basically repeating everything said above this, but this is hilarious and true and just made my day.

You should so continue on this, make more 'how to's' that are just as epic. This is epic, keep writing, for all our sakes, please please PLEASE keep writing.

'Evil exists in all of us Torak. Some fight it. Some feed it. That is how it has always been.'

"There is always a choice," said Torak, and he backed off the cliff.

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danipower0204

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Mon Jan 03, 2011 3:14 pm

danipower0204 says... · Mon Jan 03, 2011 3:14 pm

Haha! This got me to chuckle inside and out. I was actually expecting something quite different when I started reading, and then I got into it and it flipped 180 degrees! I like it a lot, especially because it's sort of comedy/psychology/easy reading stuff and also quite deep at that.

More of it!

Check out: http://www.planetsplash.com/
Providing News, Great Ideas, and More

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Button

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Wed Jan 05, 2011 2:59 am

Button says... · Wed Jan 05, 2011 2:59 am

This is pretty amazing. The content is simply spectacular (though the length dwindled with each one), but the actual technicalities of the writing were superb as well. I really like the tone you wrote this with. I really don't have much to say about this, because, well, I loved it, and don't have anything bad to point out. Excellent little write.

-Coral-

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tinkembell

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Wed Jan 05, 2011 6:44 pm

tinkembell says... · Wed Jan 05, 2011 6:44 pm

lol

"The rabbit always squeals in the jaws of the fox, but when has another rabbit ever rushed up to save it?" Damon Salvatore
;'( please, my lump, he just needs HUGS <3
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Just keep writing, just keep writing, do-do-do-do-do

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