Embarrassed

Please feel free to pick it apart just don't take it too far :p

Flushing red cheeks
heart beat racing
clammy warm hands
bitten lip
eyes looking down
feet are tapping
hair in face
goosebumps rising
fiddling with a pen
pretending it wasn't you
looking busy
running away

I saw this, and for some reason, I felt very compelled to review it! So, I will do just that. xD

Right off the bat, I want to say one thing:

This poem quite honestly has potential, it just seems rather... skeleton-like to me. It needs a bit more there. There really wasn't enough imaginative imagery in it. Red cheeks, running, racing heart beats... they all tell us exactly what's going on-- exactly how you feel. Which, in this case isn't quite enough.

I want you to take what you have right here and expand on it. This is a rather short poem, so you do have a lot of room to expand and add to it.

For example... where you said:

tinkembell wrote:bitten lip
eyes looking down

There is so much that could be added to that, ways it could be revised to sound much better than it does now. (Don't take that the wrong way, by the way. It's all meant to help.)

Obviously, you're feeling nervous and embarrassed... but there's not quite enough emotion depicted here.

So, if you want to look at this in a positive light, think of what you have now as a draft-- the rough sketch. Add the details as you go, and make sure that they're different. You really, really don't want to get into clichés. (Since it won't really improve anything if you do.)

So, if you do plan on re-writing this (you most certainly don't have to. xD) here are some questions to think about:

Why are you embarrassed? (However, don't tell us right away. Hint to it as we go along.)

How do you feel? (Be creative here. I don't want just a bunch of actions, though sprinklings of those are fine, too. I want emotion depicted in a creative way... like when that one author said that 'fear grasped their heart' *don't use that, since it's sort of a cliché now*. Creativity is key.)

How can these emotions and actions be depicted in a creative, fresh way that will really hook the people reading the poem?

I will say, though, that the last few lines were my favorites. I would keep them there. (Adding to them is okay, though, if you feel the need to.)

Like I said, this poem has potential!

Sorry if this was a bit repetitive, and I really hope it helps a little. xD

I really like the atmosphere you created. It's like a all hell broke loose when you saw her. It really make me feel good. It really has a lot of potental. This could turn out an amazing poem. Please develop the idea. I am really looking forward to seeing something more from you. I feel you can really do more!
*bows*

I think that these are all sincere and powerful images- but they're just that: images.

This feels like more of a framework to me than a poem, but a really strong and well grounded framework. You might consider lengthening the lines and images themselves. While keeping things only as long as they need to be is a very good thing, and it's always better to be concise, figurative language is a beautiful thing, and it's a wonderful thing when you utilize the creativity that you obviously have.

Try expanding on each of these images, and how it affects you, why it's happening, and what it's like. Allow the reader to experience it too, instead of simply presenting an image.


This review sounds harsh, because I really did like this piece- I just think it has potential to be more. Nice job!

-Coral-

I liked this, because it feels quite relatable, but I have to agree that this needs to be developed more. The poem is very bare-bones, which can be alright in some cases, but here, it just feels like it's missing something. I would suggest hinting at the situation more. Not coming right out and saying it necessarily, but subtly giving more information.

Where are you? What happened? Who are you avoiding?

I agree with Isha; the last lines were my favorite as well. I think they just need a more solid beginning to really set the tone for them.

fiddling with a pen
pretending it wasn't you
looking busy
running away

This has some real potential! Good job!