The Unfortunate Event of a Disillusioned Knight

I have never been able to understand my fellow knight’s silly obsession with fair maidens. Until I saw her. She was standing in the boxes, which were reserved for the nobles, and trying to look amused as a bumbling knight attempted to charm her. I gathered up my wits and, well, clanked over to her. I pushed the knight of-o-so-little-intelligence aside, raised my visor, and smiled up at her. She was smitten. I could see it in her face immediately.
“My fair lady!” I exclaimed. “Never before have I seen such beauty in all the land! You, are a sun’s kiss!” She smiled.
“And what, I pray thee, brazen knight, is thy name?” My smile faded. I quickly turned away and pretended to spit a watermelon seed. I accidentally choked. Once I had regained my composure, I turned back to her and replied as sweetly as possible.
“Sir Pork, of eh, Loins.” I watched her smile fade.
“What a poor man.” She mumbled. Suddenly, our wonderful start to a beautiful thing was interrupted by the sound of trumpets. I looked around.
“AAAAAAND NOW!” A herald cried, “THE HURL OF VOMIT IS CHALLENGING ANY stupid KNIGHT WHO WISHES TO FACE HIM!” The crowd in the tournament stands went wild. I turned back to my romance…and shoved a not-so-intelligent-knight away.
“But now, oh one of fairness! What, I prithee, is thy name?” I called to her in a deep voice. She looked away.
“I shall only tell thee, if thou can grant-eth me victory on the battle of tournament.” She said.
“Name my adversary, I pray thee!”
“The Hurl of Vomit.” She said. My face blanched. The Hurl of Vomit stood uncontested! Yet, I would do anything for her.
“Your wish shalleth be-ith my command!”
The fair lady leaned over and handed me a silken kerchief.
“Please, wear this, as a token of my…best wishes.” I took the kerchief and stared at it. It was pink and had lace on it.
“Uh…Your wish shall be me command!” I was careful not to overdo it this time. The crowd screamed suddenly, and the Harold cried out another announcement.
“ANY CHALLENGERS WILLING to be maimed TO FACE THE HURL OF VOMIT?” he cried. I stepped up to the lists and all too soon was on my horse. I rode into the arena and gulped nervously as I sized up my opponent. This man obviously had a grudge against the world.
I noticed a group of Russian peasants to my left. They were screaming something in their rough tongue. I smiled and waved. (It is always good form to impress the foreigners.) One of them ran up to me and handed me a silver penny.
“Gut luck, yah?” He said. I nodded, but was far to concerned to pay attention.
“SIR PORK OF LOINS IS NOW TO FACE THE HURL OF VOMIT!!! THE WINNER SHALL RECEIVE A KISS FROM THE FAIR LADY!!!” I was impressed. This was obviously for the show. A brief chorus of un-tuned horns sounded, and we faced each other. Then, all at once, we galloped toward each other with lowered lances. The last thing I remember thinking was, “This is all for love.” Then, I was hit. Hard. Right in the…Oof!!! stomach. I reached the end of the arena and felt like falling off of my horse. Just then the Russian peasant ran up to me.
“Hard hit yah?”
“That guy hits like a freight train!”
“What is “freight train?”
“Look, never mind, okay Van-weirdo?”
“My name is Hans.”
The trumpets blasted again.
“Two time more? Yah!” The…Hans slapped my horse and we went forward again. I quickly sat up and held my busted lance. Unfortunately, Hans knew very little about men running at each other with sticks and…OOf!!! my stomach crashed into the end of a seven-foot pole. I nearly fell off my horse before reaching the other side.
“Very gut! I bring you new stick, yah?”
“There called lances and…”
The trumpets sounded again.
“Hey hey hey hey HEEY!” I shouted as my horse ran forward again. Somehow, I actually managed to aim and…OOF!!! felt the familiar impact in that good ol’ stomach. This time, however, the Hurl of Vomit was lying on the ground and screaming. I felt a glow of victory…then I threw up. Only my visor was closed.
So that was why he was called the “Hurl of Vomit.” Huh.
“THE WINNER SHALL NOW KISS THE FAIR MAIDEN!” I felt even sicker.
“Hey Hans?” I called.
“Yah?”
“Do me a favor and go kiss the fair maiden for me. I…don’t feel like it.”
“Yah yah!” He walked over to the fair lady. She leaned over and kissed him, right smack on the lips. She was smitten. I could see it in their eyes. “Oh brother!” I thought. I watched as she gave him a pink silken kerchief identical to mine. I burned with envy. But then, the herald cried out for a new challenger, and I smiled as the love-sick Hans wandered off to face, “Sir Stab of Death.”

This is really funny, and my guess is you're trying to make fun of the Middle Ages (duh...)

Here are all the corrections and comments (in red text)

I have never been able to understand my fellow knight’s (Not sure if this is correct, check on this) silly obsession with fair maidens. Until I saw her. She was standing in the boxes, which were reserved for the nobles, and trying to look amused perhaps charmed? Add more detail please.as a bumbling knight attempted to charm her. I gathered up my wits and, well, clanked over to her. I pushed the knight of-oh-so-little-intelligence aside, raised my visor, and smiled up at her. She was smitten. I could see it in her face immediately.Change this to "I saw it in her face immediately."
“My fair lady!” I exclaimed. “Never before have I seen such beauty in all the land! You, delete the commaare a sun’s kiss!” She smiled.
“And what, I pray thee, brazen knight, is thy name?” My smile faded. I quickly turned away and pretended to spit a watermelon seed. I accidentally choked.Add more detail. Make it more comic! Once I had regained my composure, I turned back to her and replied as sweetly as possible.
“Sir Pork, of eh, Loins.” I watched her smile fade. Ahahaha!
“What a poor man.” She mumbled. Suddenly, our wonderful start to a beautiful thing was interrupted by the sound of trumpets. I looked around.
“AAAAAAND NOW!” A herald cried, “THE HURL OF VOMIT IS CHALLENGING ANY stupid "stupid" should still be in capsKNIGHT WHO WISHES TO FACE HIM!” The crowd in the tournament stands went wild. I turned back to my romancethis is wrong! Fix it! How can you turn back to a romance?…and shoved a not-so-intelligent-knight please think of some other insults away.
“But now, oh one of fairness! What, I prithee, is thy name?” I called to her in a deep voice. It would be funny if his voice squeaked somewhere around here... She looked away.
“I shall only tell thee, if thou can grant-eth me victory on the battle of tournament.” She said.
“Name my adversary, I pray thee!”
“The Hurl of Vomit.” She said. My face blanched. The Hurl of Vomit stood uncontested! Yet, I would do anything for her. "Yet" in this sentence is incorrect. Use "but"
“Your wish shalleth be-ith my command!”
The fair lady leaned over and handed me a silken kerchief. I'm pretty sure it's a handkerchief
“Please, wear this, as a token of my…best wishes.” I took the kerchief and stared at it. It was pink and had lace on it.
“Uh…Your wish shall be me my, not me command!” I was careful not to overdo it this time. Overdo what? The crowd screamed suddenly, and the Harold Harold is a male name. You mean herald. cried out another announcement.
“ANY CHALLENGERS WILLING to be maimed Be consistent with your caps, please. TO FACE THE HURL OF VOMIT?” he cried. I stepped up to the lists and all too soon I was on my horse. I rode into the arena and gulped nervously as I sized up my opponent. This man obviously had a grudge against the world.I don't like the previous sentence.
I noticed a group of Russian peasants to my left. They were screaming something in their rough tongue. I smiled and waved. (It is always good form to impress the foreigners.) One of them ran up to me and handed me a silver penny.
“Gut luck, yah?” He said. I nodded, but was far to concerned to pay attention.
“SIR PORK OF LOINS IS NOW TO FACE THE HURL OF VOMIT!!! THE WINNER SHALL RECEIVE A KISS FROM THE FAIR LADY!!!” I was impressed. This was obviously for the show. What show? I don't like this sentence, it's unnecessary, unmeaningful, and I personally think you should cut it. A brief chorus of un-tuned No hyphen! It's "untuned" horns sounded, and we faced each other. Then, all at once, we galloped toward each other with lowered lances. The last thing I remember thinking was, “This is all for love.” Have him think something more substantial! This makes him sound like he's regretting his love. Then, I was hit. Hard. Right in the…Oof!!! italicize the oof stomach. I reached the end of the arena and felt like falling off of my horse. Just then one of the Russian peasant ran up to me.
“Hard hit yah?”
“That guy hits like a freight train!”
“What is “freight train?” He could misprounounce "freight train".
“Look, never mind, okay Van-weirdo?” Van weirdo? Huh?
“My name is Hans.” Alert! Alert! Not a Russian name!
The trumpets blasted again.
“Two time more? Yah!” Then…Hans slapped my horse and we went forward again. I quickly sat up and held my busted lance. Unfortunately, Hans knew very little about men running at each other with sticks and…OOf!!! italicize my stomach crashed into the end of a seven-foot pole. I nearly fell off my horse before reaching the other side.
“Very gut! I bring you new stick, yah?”
“There they're called lances and…” Why is he explaining this to Hans in the first place?
The trumpets sounded again.
“Hey hey hey hey HEY! (avoid mispelling words with more vowels than needed)HEEY!” I shouted as my horse ran forward again. Somehow, I actually managed to aim and…OOF!!! I'm kind of getting tired of all these oofs... felt the familiar impact in that good ol’ stomach. This time, however, the Hurl of Vomit was lying on the ground and screaming. I felt a glow of victory…and then I threw up. Only my visor was closed. Maybe add something like "Great..."
So that was why he was called the “Hurl of Vomit.” Huh.
“THE WINNER SHALL NOW KISS THE FAIR MAIDEN!” I now felt even sicker.
“Hey Hans?” I called.
“Yah?”
“Do me a favor and go kiss the fair maiden for me. I…don’t feel like it.” I love this part!
“Yah yah!” He walked over to the fair lady. She leaned over and kissed him, right smack on the lips. She was smitten. I could see it in their No! Change it to "in her eyes". How can you tell someone's smitten by the look in someone else's eyes? eyes. “Oh brother bother is better here!” I thought. I watched as she gave him a pink silken kerchief identical to mine. I burned with envy. But then, the herald cried out for a new challenger, and I smiled as the love-sick Hans wandered off to face, “Sir Stab of Death.” Awesome ending!

You have a really comic story, and I think you should work on it. See the errors I found. Also, Hans is not a Russian name. It's a very common name in Holland. I would know, as I am a Russian myself. You could either change the name to a stereotypical "Ivan" or perhaps have a tiny scene where Hans has a very complicated and long name that the knight mispronounces. Some options are "Valeriiyi", "Vladislav", "Borislav", "Dorofei", "Evpraksiya", "Feofilakt", and "Varfolomei".


Good job, and keep writing!

Hahah! Must say, good show! I really like this story and think it's a very good one shot. Of course, there are problems here and there, but it would seem that Delmarria has already gone over the majority of them. My only worries were that you never really described any of the characters. Now, this does give the reader imaginatory freedom to think about what the character may look like for themselves, but also, especially if you want this to be very comical, you could describe say, the Hurl of Vomit, as a really weird looking guy with a greenish, bloated face and clothes that had many green and red spots splattered here and there. It's an idea, and either way, this still works. And I also agree with Delmarria about the main character mispronouncing the Russian peasant's name. I think that would be pretty funny.

Hey! You chose the same three elements I did. Unless...this is a submission to Trident's contest, right? You never said it was a submission, but you did put watermelon seeds, a Russian peasant and a silver penny in. Whatever, I'm probably confusing you.
So it was good, but you had a few mistakes. The most glaring (to me) was that the Russian guy said 'gut' and 'yah'. I understood that those were German words, but Delmarria didn't pick it up, so maybe it isn't so bad.
Also, your dialogue is confusing, try to put a few more, "I said" or "Hans said" bits in it.
Good work!

The most glaring (to me) was that the Russian guy said 'gut' and 'yah'. I understood that those were German words, but Delmarria didn't pick it up, so maybe it isn't so bad

Actually, that's right, I forgot to say...
It's not that obvious, but "Gud" would be better than gut. But then, for all you know, he has German blood...
I'm pretty sure that yah (yeah) wasn't used back then. Usually Russians pronounce it kind of slurred, like rapidly "ys". I don't know how you would put that in. Though you could use the Russian word for yes ("da").

Thank Jenthura for noticing!

Thanks guys!
Yes, this is an entry to the Trident Three-Pronged contest, so even though I wanted to expand on this, there is a 1,000 word limit. However, I can still add about two hundred words, so I will take some of your guy's suggestions.
Sorry about the inadvertant copy, Jenthura.

Thanks for the review, Delmarria, can I PM you the re-written copy?

Sure, send it on over.

I liked it!!!

Of course, as others have pointed out, there were a few mistakes in grammar, but nonetheless, great little funny story! I found it original. Of course it's a little slapstick, but that's awesome.

I wouldn't mind reading more of this world. More silly names and more silly people!

Alright! Time for a rewrite!
Get back soon with the revised copy.

I thought as much. Don't worry about it, though, I remember looking at the other suggestions and thinking, "Who the heck would chose a lawn gnome?"

Heh heh. *like*

This was a fun read. You just need to polish it. You have misused/substituted some words like "there" for "they're." I was amused, yes, by the narration. I felt the effect especially at the part where the narrator said "Ooofff!!" It had a weird effect on my stomach while reading. The story's good; just polish.

An excellent text indeed. The namings of the characters and the way you described the events really cracked me up. There were some minor spelling errors (I'm quite sure the fellows above have done a splendid job on that section) but I didn't notice anything terrible that standed out. Humor is the spice of life and this was very entertaining to read.

Keep at it!

Sincerely,
The Perverted Iguana~