Despair

[Requires a lot of editing, but this is the “raw version”, enjoy! ] P.s this is semi-random..

[This tells about the childhood (9 year old) boy who's parents died after his birth. He lives at an orphanage, but he's an solitary individual, he is feared and neglected (due to him being the only survivor of a large massacre in a small village). A powerful ancient devil resides within him, granting him great great power (waiting to be unleashed).

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Despair.

I cried. I was all alone again. I didn’t see anything from blackness that embraced me in its cold arms. My sob echoed along the invisible walls. I bit my lip and held my buckled knees with my trembling hands, clutching them. I felt a sudden change in the atmosphere, as if something was staring at me across the pitch black darkness. I closed my eyes, tucking my face against my knees.

Suddenly something broke the silence. “What’s this?" A cynical voice echoed from a distance. "left all alone again?” I ignored it, tucking myself closer together. The source of the sound was approaching, stepping its way towards me. “Although you’ve experienced this countless of times before…” The chill voice chuckled as it stopped. It was standing right next to me. “You don’t need anyone; you’re a monster, a devil who slaughters everything without remorse!” “What are you?” I whispered, unable to take a glimpse of the shrouded figure before me. A silence followed, and I held my breath. "

“I am a reflection of your pain and despair. I am an angel, a devil, a savior, and the end of everything. I am you. Call me what you want, but none of it matters. You created me, and I shall erase everything that causes you pain!” the ground trembled and roared, bright red circles with unknown twisted symbols filled the room as bright flashes and explosions erupted. Amidst the fire and destruction a floating figure without wings was laughing, with his arms and legs stretched, his black hair swaying in the powerful currents of destruction. His eyes were glowing red and his maniacal, ridiculing laughter echoed within the room.

The earth cracked sending me spiraling down. Looking down at me the flame-engulfed creature's words echoed “Abandon all reason for love. Through your eyes I shall decree judgement down on those unworthy, through your eyes they will understand true despair!”.

I woke up tumbling off my bed, screaming and twitching my limbs. I scrambled against the cold wall of my small concrete orphanage room. My heart was racing, and my eyes were wide from shock and bewilderment. Bright daylight broke through the windows on me, it was only a dream.

To be (maybe) continued ^^

Hi there!
First off, I'd like to welcome you to YWS. I'm sure you'll have a tremendous time here.
Just a few nitpicks here,
This is just a suggestion, when the angel, devil guy talks again after the first time, maybe start a new line? And especailly you should when the MC speaks between his dialogue. Break up diolague.

Also, in the third paragraph maybe split that up into two? It's a short piece, so large chunks tend to overcrowd, I think. THat's my personal opinion, anyway.

I am intrigued by this piece, and I think you should continue it. Overall, I liked it. Good work.

~Chryssa

Hi there!
First off, I'd like to welcome you to YWS. I'm sure you'll have a tremendous time here.
Just a few nitpicks here,
This is just a suggestion, when the angel, devil guy talks again after the first time, maybe start a new line? And especailly you should when the MC speaks between his dialogue. Break up diolague.

Also, in the third paragraph maybe split that up into two? It's a short piece, so large chunks tend to overcrowd, I think. THat's my personal opinion, anyway.

I am intrigued by this piece, and I think you should continue it. Overall, I liked it. Good work.

~Chryssa

Perviguana wrote:
I cried. I was all alone again. I didn’t see anything from blackness that embraced me in its cold arms. My sob echoed along the invisible walls. I bit my lip and held my buckled knees with my trembling hands, clutching them. I felt a sudden change in the atmosphere, as if something was staring at me across the pitch black darkness. I closed my eyes, tucking my face against my knees.

Suddenly something broke the silence. “What’s this, left all alone again?” A cynical voice echoed from a distance. I ignored it, tucking myself closer together. The source of the sound was approaching, stepping its way towards me. “Although you’ve experienced this countless of times before…” The chill voice chuckled as it stopped. It was standing right next to me. “You don’t need anyone; you’re a monster, a devil who slaughters everything without remorse!” “What are you?” I whispered, unable to take a glimpse of the shrouded figure before me. A silence followed, and I held my breath.

“I am a reflection of your pain and despair. I am an angel, a devil, a savior, and the end of everything. Call me what you want, but none of it matters. You created me, and I shall erase everything that causes you pain!” the ground trembled and roared, bright red circles with unknown twisted symbols filled the room as bright flashes and explosions erupted. Amidst the fire and destruction a floating figure without wings was laughing, with his arms and legs stretched, his black hair swaying in the powerful currents of destruction. His eyes were glowing red and his maniacal, ridiculing laughter echoed within the room. The earth cracked and I was sent spiraling down. Looking down at me the flame-engulfed creature laughed with a terrifying voice “Farewell, human! When the time arrives, we shall return everything to dust!”

I woke up tumbling off my bed, screaming and twitching my limbs. I scrambled against the cold wall of my small concrete orphanage room. My heart was racing, and my eyes were wide from shock and bewilderment. Bright daylight broke through the windows on me, it was only a dream.

To be (maybe) continued ^^

Grammatically the piece seems to be sound. I can't really see any problems other than maybe you should work on your dialogue grammar because there are quite a few instances where you can break up the dialogue like so:

“What’s this?" A cynical voice echoed from a distance, "Left all alone again?”

It helps to make sure the dialogue doesn't get too boring and also helps build up suspense

From a plot standpoint, the piece is quite intriguing and I like the ambience of despair that you built with all the blackness imagery - but perhaps you should describe the angel and make him clash with the blackness imagery. Contrast is good, makes things more colourful. You did it well when the angel made red circles appear, but we want to know what the angel looks like. Don't leave it up to our own imagination - describe him for us!

Do keep writing

Yay! Thanks for reviewing! ^^ Ive never tried writing really, but this was just another random idea that popped into my mind while on my way to school (just to see how it would turn out in ink). Yeah, i've got a lot to learn and this requires quite a lot of work (maybe changing the whole story into third person parhaps?)

But yeah I hope you all liked it and im sure we'll get along!

Cool, kind of weird but cool. I think you should keep writing, but I'm not really sure where you could take this. Therefore keep writing it because I have no clue where it will go and you could really amaze people with this.
Keep Writing
XxX

Perviguana wrote:[Requires a lot of editing, but this is the “raw version”, enjoy! ] P.s this is semi-random..

I cried. I was all alone again. I didn’t see anything from blackness that embraced me in its cold arms. My sob echoed along the invisible walls. I bit my lip and held my buckled knees with my trembling hands, clutching them. I felt a sudden change in the atmosphere, as if something was staring at me across the pitch black darkness. I closed my eyes, tucking my face against my knees.

Suddenly something broke the silence. “What’s this?" A cynical voice echoed from a distance. "left all alone again?” I ignored it, tucking myself closer together. The source of the sound was approaching, stepping its way towards me. “Although you’ve experienced this countless of times before…” The chill voice chuckled as it stopped. It was standing right next to me. “You don’t need anyone; you’re a monster, a devil who slaughters everything without remorse!” “What are you?” I whispered, unable to take a glimpse of the shrouded figure before me. A silence followed, and I held my breath. "

“I am a reflection of your pain and despair. I am an angel, a devil, a savior, and the end of everything. I am you. Call me what you want, but none of it matters. You created me, and I shall erase everything that causes you pain!” the ground trembled and roared, bright red circles with unknown twisted symbols filled the room as bright flashes and explosions erupted. Amidst the fire and destruction a floating figure without wings was laughing, with his arms and legs stretched, his black hair swaying in the powerful currents of destruction. His eyes were glowing red and his maniacal, ridiculing laughter echoed within the room.

The earth cracked sending me spiraling down. Looking down at me the flame-engulfed creature's words echoed “Abandon all reason for love. Through your eyes I shall decree judgement down on those unworthy, through your eyes they will understand true despair!”.

I woke up tumbling off my bed, screaming and twitching my limbs. I scrambled against the cold wall of my small concrete orphanage room. My heart was racing, and my eyes were wide from shock and bewilderment. Bright daylight broke through the windows on me, it was only a dream.

To be (maybe) continued ^^

Hi there! Welcome to YWS!!! I'm Jalmoc and it's nice to meet you! I was scrolling through the stories and this one caught my eye. First off, I just want to say that your writing skilly have some serious potential. You just need to expand your work and views and you'll be a top notch writer! Lol. Well anyways, this story is really good. Even though this is a short story, expand on why this is "happening again." What does the girl look like? She's an orphan? What happened to her family? Just expand on stuff like that. Well, I hope I helped a little!

Hey there! Nice to meet ya too! This tells about the childhood (9 year old) boy who's parents died after his birth. He lives at an orphanage, but he's an solitary individual, he is feared and neglected (due to him being the only survivor of a large massacre in a small village). A powerful ancient devil resides within him, granting him great great power (waiting to be unleashed).

The story takes place in a kingdom where magic exists (especially in wars and military)
I'll explain details about him and the demon later on in the story, which continues when he's turned 21.
I haven't made up any names yet, so ideas would be awesome..

Hi there, Pink here!

I'm here to do a short review for you. First of all, you might want to check out the dialogue. Make sure you insert a new line every time a new character speaks because readers can easily get confused to what is being said by which character. I noticed a few instances in which you do this so you might want to go back and revise that.

As for your writing, it was actually pretty decent. I liked your description and you seemed to have an interesting idea of where you were heading with the plot. Some of your descriptions were a bit oddly worded and all but it's not much - nothing that I'd point out, really. Anyway, if you continue this it'd make a pretty cool novel, I think. It kind of reminds me of Naruto for some reason. Probably the nine tailed fox thing. (Don't worry if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

-Pink

PinkShearwater wrote:Hi there, Pink here!

I'm here to do a short review for you. First of all, you might want to check out the dialogue. Make sure you insert a new line every time a new character speaks because readers can easily get confused to what is being said by which character. I noticed a few instances in which you do this so you might want to go back and revise that.

As for your writing, it was actually pretty decent. I liked your description and you seemed to have an interesting idea of where you were heading with the plot. Some of your descriptions were a bit oddly worded and all but it's not much - nothing that I'd point out, really. Anyway, if you continue this it'd make a pretty cool novel, I think. It kind of reminds me of Naruto for some reason. Probably the nine tailed fox thing. (Don't worry if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

-Pink

I love Naruto watched propably over 1000h of anime in the past two years. (shame about the fillers though, but the manga is good enough ^^)