Camellia

"Camellia"

The vivid sex organ blossoms;
seductive pedals stretch to
praise the center of the
zodiacal dance and flitter
from the whisper of a butterfly.

She flashes a radiant smile -
She loves me, she loves me not.

I enjoy the second stanza, but nothing in the first. 'sex organ blossoms' is odd, not elegant, though it should be. Petals can stretch and keep with your seductive theme, but the way you've described it, it communicates stretching before a race, stretching to reach something, straining, not elegantly.

Perhaps you'd consider starting the poem with the last stanza. It doesn't seem to matter whether it finishes the poem or begins it, as it stands very well on its own. It would complement a reworked poem very nicely, but work more subtly. Zodiac is, here, jarring, where it should be celestial. And I don't get the description of petals flittering from the whisper of a butterfly. I believe it's the verb. Do you mean that the petals are moving back and forth under that gentle force? If so, perhaps shifting, or something like that.

I like the word vivid, but I think it would be better applied to a word with some inherent color. 'sex organs' just doesn't evoke the orange, pink, or red that I'm looking for.

I don't know. Let me know if you have comments on my review or any questions.
Also let me know if you'd like something else reviewed.
Thank you!

-Hannah-

Like the reviewer before me I definitely think the second stanza is the stronger of the two. However instead of starting with the second stanza I think you should just revamp the first to match with the second. Because to me by leaving it at the end of the poem it leaves the reader with a delicately seductive feel which I am assuming you are going for.

To me the mood first two lines in stanza one contrast with those final two. Where the first two are blatantly sexual the final lines are subtle, flirty with a hint of seduction. I think part of what makes the second stanza so great is the simplicity of it where the first one boggles you with loaded images.

I think this poem definitely has promise and I really do like it so I hope this helped and just ask if you have any questions.

Unlike the reviews above, I like the first and second stanza equally. Perhaps the second stanza enhances the first and that is why they like it best (?). However, I think you could do without saying "vivid sex organ blossoms" and just say "vivid organ blossoms" because it makes the poem more read-able and soft. I do like the next line about the "seductive petals", it adds fire to the poem without sounding to risqué.

Well done! I admire the structure and wording of this poem. Happy writing!