Until 'The End'

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1360
Reviews 50
Hi everyone! So here's a new story. If you could, I would really appreciate it if I could get a little help with the beginning. It sounds like something is wrong, but I can't quite put my finger on what. So any advice there woule be greatly appreciated. Read and Enjoy!


Until 'The End'

By Angela


Sam smiled down at Lily. She lay across his lap, her head lying on the armrest with her legs sprawling down the length of the couch. Sam held her hand, his thumb rubbing against hers. He laughed,

“Lily, what do you mean Stephen King is only ‘passable’? He’s a master of the craft! All authors defer to him when in search of an idol, a hero. He’s the go-to man of horror.”

Lily shook her head and said,

“I don’t know Sam. What about Poe?”

“Lil, honey, Poe is dead. He’s been dead for a while. I’m sorry to have to break to the news to you like this. King, however, is still alive. So why don’t we say last man standing wins?” Lily sighed and smacked Sam lightly on the arm,

“Fine. But is Poe were alive, he would give King a run for his money.” A silence descended around the couple. Rain pattered on the roof and window. The silence endured. Lily’s eyes slowly transferred from a laughing look to a more serious serene cerulean. She said quietly,

“Sam, how do you feel about children?” Sam leaned down, kissed Lily, and pondered for a moment. Uh oh, thought Lily, kiss and a pause. Not good. After much consideration, he replied,

“I’m not totally opposed to the idea of children. It would be nice to have one or more someday, but I want to really experience and enjoy life before I settle down with a kid.” Lily nodded thoughtfully. Sam said,

“Why do you ask?” Lily brought her free hand up and began examining her nails as she said,

“Oh, no real reason. Just out of curiosity, I suppose.” She winced. But Sam was no fool,

“Lily, are you pregnant?” Her gaze flicked up to him. Lily said reluctantly,

“Maybe…”

“Lil, is that an ‘I-might-be’ maybe or an ‘I-am-but-I-don’t-want-to-tell-you’ maybe?” said Sam. Lily took a deep breath and said,

“The second.” Sam nodded, his gaze travelling up to the wall opposite him. Lily stared up at him, desperately searching for any clues to his thoughts. Sam’s thumb continued to stroke her hand. When the silence became too much for Lily, she pulled her hand from Sam’s and said,

“Say something.” Sam looked down at her. He smiled warmly and his eyes twinkled with happiness. He said,

“It’s wonderful Lily.” He picked her up bridal style and spun her around shouting, “We’re going to have a baby!” Lily laughed, and he joined in.
Suddenly, his eyes filled with worry and he set Lily down, placing his hands gently on her shoulders as he said, “Are you alright? Did I hurt you?”
Lily laughed and said,
“No, not at all. I’m only a month and a half in. I’m just fine, honestly. I’m happy you’re happy for us.” Sam smiled and said,
“Good. Now, Miss Wikowski, there is one tiny issue.” Lily’s face fell as she said,
“What is it? Money? I can take a second job and--,” Sam put a finger to her lips as his other hand fell to hold hers. He whispered,
“No. There is the one issue of… marriage.” The finger over Lily’s lips fell away to Sam’s pocket, pulling out a beautiful dark-blue velvet box. Lily gasped.
Sam fell to his knee beside Lily’s couch and said,
“Lily, I love you. This baby will be a new chapter of our relationship, and I want to be with you throughout the whole chapter, through the whole book until the author of our lives writes ‘The End’. Miss Lily Christina Wikowski, will you marry me?” Sam opened the box. Lily gazed down at the simple ring inside. She tore her eyes from it to meet Sam’s and said,
“Are you sure? Because I don’t want it to feel like I’m pressuring you into this by just springing the baby on you. We can wait a while so you know you really want this--,” For the second time that day, Sam silenced her this time with a kiss. It was a simple kiss, but Lily got the message loud and clear: “I love you. Now please answer my question.”
Sam’s lips lingered on Lily’s, a touch softer than a rose. Lily smiled onto his lips and whispered in a voice like a sigh,
“Yes.” Sam grinned to match Lily and said,
“Good.” And he kissed her again.
Colossal Compendium of Complications and Confusion = MY LIFE




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7377
Reviews 99
Well... uh... hehe... not what I was expecting...

Okay, so, the begining actually seemed fine to me. There were just a couple quick nitpicks...

She lay across his lap, her head lying on the armrest with her legs sprawling down the length of the couch.


"lay" and "lying" seem awfully close here, and they're kind of like cousins, you know?... maybe just drop lying, I think that would sound better.

I’m sorry to have to break to the news to you like this.


This is a bit jumbled... I think you need to just drop that "to"

Fine. But is Poe were alive, he would give King a run for his money.


"is" should be if

“Are you sure? Because I don’t want it to feel like I’m pressuring you into this by just springing the baby on you. We can wait a while so you know you really want this--,” For the second time that day, Sam silenced her this time with a kiss. It was a simple kiss, but Lily got the message loud and clear: “I love you. Now please answer my question.”

Sam’s lips lingered on Lily’s, a touch softer than a rose. Lily smiled onto his lips and whispered in a voice like a sigh,

“Yes.” Sam grinned to match Lily and said,

“Good.” And he kissed her again.


A few things... first just a little thing: Not a big deal, but that green line? I think you should reword it... it sounds like she litteraly through a baby at him or something... maybe change the word "baby" to "news"

Second thing: Okay, so, Lilly asks Sam a question, then she answers herself? Because that's what I read, but maybe you meant for Sam to answer the question? Or not... I don't know.

One more thing: how come you end so many of your paragraphs with commas then start the next paragraph with dialogue? Is that how your language teacher taught you? It's fine, just seems a bit unusual to me.


Now, my main issue with this peice is that it seems... well... er, sort of... um, maybe, cliche... maybe. Sigh... I don't know. Maybe if there were more to it... Yeah, I would like that. I would like it if I knew more about these two, or... I dunno, something.

Umm... if you want to really improve this I would add information about Sam and Lilly... and, maybe make it so that they're a little more stressed, a little less happy... just my opinion.

This could definitely be really powerful, and I enjoyed reading it and all... but it does need some work...

Good luck writing!

--
Tabby




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 22451
Reviews 498
Hello there. :)
“Why are you asking?” Lily brought her free hand up and began examining her nails as she said

I think it sounds better that way, but it might just be me?
“The second one.”

Again, I think it sounds better.

The beginning is a little random I think. Poe and King? I think you should show us how they got to that point in their conversation. Maybe because they are reading a book of King? Or just watched a scary movie and got talking about that kind of thing? I hope you see what I mean. Also, I have to agree with Tabby and ask for more information on the couple. I would like to know what are their background, their age, how their relationship is going...

There's also a little thing that bothered me. In the end, Lilly says that she didn't want his proposal to be random. But in fact, Sam wouldn't have the ring with him at the moment if he hadn't thought about proposing to her. I think it would be more realistic if Lilly would be thinking about that, and sound way more excited. You can always add her worrying about the randomness of the proposal, and then think about the fact that he had the ring... Just an idea. :)

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1360
Reviews 50
Thanks everyone for the wonderful reviews!
Colossal Compendium of Complications and Confusion = MY LIFE



Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice