The Moon

A sliver
of silver,
a river
of light.
Cascading
down my bed
and onto the floor.
I search for the source...
...there!
A brilliant orb
of diamond fire
piercing the night
with beams
of white.
Yet blurry
the outline unclear
so I reach
for my glasses
and slip them on
to see the moon.
But all that's there
is a streetlight.
Disappointment
wells up
a single tear falls
with a small splash
into the silver river.
But I take off my glasses
and climb into bed
and to me
it is still
the moon.

A sliver
of silver,
a river
of light.

I thought this was a great visual image. It makes a real catching beginning! I loved how you ended it, I could really relate. I wear glasses, so I know what it's like to see something, put on my glasses and have it be something else entirely. You used great describing words to make this come alive. I have no changes! I'd love to read more of your work.

Kook9600

This was really interesting, with nice structuring and a good beat. I can't find anything really bad with it, so this isn't much of a review. But anyway, I recommend you continue on the poem path, and keep writing!

I liked it. It reminds me of something I would have thought up about a year ago when I took a fancy on bright sights, such as slivers of silver light. Ha, well, don't ask, I had a strange imagination. I used to think of making stories about groups of people who get kidnapped by the Grim-Reaper and thrown into a strange world of shadows. O_O

But this was pretty good. My only advice, for I'm not to much of a critique, is for you to get better and keep going with it.

The moon
at noon
Is a commodity
and an oddity

That is my opinion on the moon at this present date.

As to
your poem,
I liked how it
was broken up
But i don't
know how
effective it is if it
isn't
evenly broken
up.

thanks flyers. like your poem

wow! that is very........wow!

sarebear wrote:A sliver
of silver,
a river
of light.
Cascading
down my bed
and onto the floor.
I search for the source...
...there!
A brilliant orb
of diamond fire
piercing the night
with beams
of white.
Yet blurry
the outline unclear
so I reach
for my glasses
and slip them on
to see the moon.
But all that's there
is a streetlight.
Disappointment
wells up
a single tear falls
with a small splash
into the silver river.
But I take off my glasses
and climb into bed
and to me
it is still
the moon.

It's too spaced out. Every skip of the line, I think that their is a pause.
"Cascading
down my bed
and onto the floor.
I search for the source..."
Too spaced out, instead of:
"Cascading down my bed and onto the floor.
I search for the source..."

Everything red, I think is too spaced out. When it has too many pauses, the poem begins to become no more than little tidbits, and it's like sentences that are torn up into pieces - it's difficult to read. And I think "a single tear falls" and "silver river", together, are a bit repetitive. They sound too much alike, and unless they were in the right place, working with and not against each other, would it be okay.

I'm not quite sure about the poem. The title seems to say it all, I guess. It's just... somewhat, about the moon, but not quite. I can't see any meaning to it O.o. Just someone thinking that a streelight was the moon for a moment. It seems a bit pointless to me, but I liked your choice of words and how you used them in some parts. "A brilliant orb", that verse was the best, for me. The "single tear" seemed a bit sketchy.

I really liked this poem. The only thing that I didn't get was when you said

Disappointment
wells up
a single tear falls
with a small splash
into the silver river

I got everything except for when you aid into the silver river. What do you mean by that. Anyways great poem and you are a talented writer. Hope I could help

-lilgreendots <3

"A brilliant orb of diamond fire."
That was my favorite description.
This whole poem is brilliantly descriptive and thought-through, and well-presented.
I really, really like this! yay! xxx

That was a brilliant peice! It was a slight hard to understand at first read, for myself. I really like how you build up to think that it might just be.....the moon. But then the utter disappointment the character had when she found out that it was just a streetlight. Though there wasn't much detail into the sadness they felt that the street-lamp wasn't moon, but it made my imagination run and I could make out the image perfectly in my head. I actually thought it could make a good scene for a film. It was amazing how well I could visualize it.

Thankyou for giving me the experience of reading that peice and congratulations!

I'm very excited to be your reviewer today!

A sliver
of silver,
a river
of light.I just loved those 2 opening statements. Very well done!
Cascading
down my bed
and onto the floor.Uh Oh! Here comes the first mistake. You shouldn't be going on to another line if the first line doesnt have a comma at the end. You would have had to reword it but if you did it correctly it should have been "Cascading, down my bed, and onto the floor." Hope you understand what I was trying to say to you.
I search for the source
......there!
A brilliant orbI like the way you used that word!
of diamond fire
piercing the night
with beams
of white.I think it would have sounded better if you had said "of white light".
Yet blurry
the outline unclear
so I reach
for my glasses
and slip them on
to see the moon.
But all that's there
is a streetlight.
Disappointment
wells upYou should have ended that sentence right there. It doesnt flow well when the two sentences are connected. And also you should have said "wells up inside of me" instead of just "wells up".
a single tear falls
with a small splash
into the silver river.
But I take off my glasses
and climb into bed
and to me
it is still the moon.Your closing statement is just as important as your opening statement, so try making it a little stronger and meaningful nex time.

Well, overall i think you did pretty well! Just those few little changes would really complete this poem. Good work, and good luck for your future works! Bye!