This last October sky

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Needs major feedback!! Help please? I need suggestions, but here it is:

Lay with me under this October sky
Let’s listen to the trees lullaby,
Every leaf falls tenderly, a feather in the sky:
I watch one that collides with the ground;
The inexistent sound drums in the wave of imagination
A pond below longs for its touch,
And the parched wrinkled leaf settles upon its façade:
There on the surface it blows in the wind,
Like a boat on a stormy sea.

Take my hand and lay here with me, under this October sky
Fall in love with the wandering clouds
And the vast green hills of our valley
A ballad, a tune, an explosion joy
Swims within my heart,
My heart that is pounding violently:
A lion in my rib cage roars with intensity.
Watch the seagull fly with its parcel of hope:
A brown paper package I see, a brown paper package I need.

So lay here with me under this October sky
And remember each touch
As the butterflies fly high up in this vast orbiting world
We have ridden this ride and now it is time
To step off and seek a new journey
This autumn has passed
And I reach for your hand, a satisfying touch.
Let’s take a walk down history road…
For we now face a storming blizzard.

Lay with me under this October sky
As my mind is engulfed in fear
For I have lived each season…
I embrace the world, painted in color
I see through a kaleidoscope:
But now time comes spinning down
The tick of a clock: a cacophony of death
Sends me away in an unending sleep, so,
Lay with me under this last October sky and forget me not…




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Hello there!
I loved this work! Now, I'm not much into poems, I rarely read them and I've never written them so my help will be limited... :/

Ok so the beginning, you made it seem as though you would make it rhyme but then you faded out of that. I would suggest changing the ends of the second and third lines, they were a bit choppy anyways so this will help smooth it out. The rest of it from there was very well done.

Now, again, I don't know poems very well so this could be just me but some of the things you put in here didn't seem to have much to do with the story. Such as the leaf. Now, was this just for effect or did it have a particular meaning? You also mentioned a parcel which I couldn't quite understand why you needed it.

Aside from that, I love the romantic aspect of it!

Anyways, that's all I can offer. Hopefully I helped a little... I tried. Anyways, PM me if you have any questions! Great work!

Tyler




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"Let’s listen to the trees lullaby," - does it belong to the tree? tree's

"The inexistent sound drums in the wave of imagination" I'm not sure if it's just me but this one part reads very difficult. It seems like your trying to make it more impresive, but it is now to the point that it doesn't flow with the poem. you have to stop examine it, take it apart, then it makes sense.

"For we now face a storming blizzard." for some reason this line bothered me. probably just the transition from fall to winter... then back to fall. the transition is leading us into nothing.. since we go back into fall.

Now. I enjoyed the repitition in the first line of each paragraph (been a long time since i wrote about peoms.. is it stanza or is that shaekspear? lol)
the feeling of fall and warmth (i love fall) came across clear.

I do agree with the comment from Tyler "Ok so the beginning, you made it seem as though you would make it rhyme but then you faded out of that. I would suggest changing the ends of the second and third lines, they were a bit choppy anyways so this will help smooth it out. " He is correct.

So in the end, this was good and just needs some fixing on minor things. But I, liek the person above, am not a connoisuer (sp?) of poetry. I look forward to a poet's review.

Keep on writing, It's quite obvious the talent is there.




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Well, as far as being a poet, I may be the closest the reviews this piece. I'm no Emily Dickinson or nothin, but hey, let's give it a whirl.

My first impression about this poem was that it was trying to hard. Poetry, in my opinion, is supposed to be emotional and must reach a sort of mutual understanding with the reader. The reader has got to figure out whether the poem is meant to be figurative, literal, or just completely vague. In yours, all I gathered was that, sure, it was a love poem, but it was also the work of someone trying to out-step their limits. Some of the imagery in this was very pretty, very nice, but that's not all that you want. You want it to tie back to the poem, so then if there's anything that the reader forgot while reading, they'll read that and go "Ohh, I see."

After reading all of your poem, I did come across one thing that made me kind of giggle: if you put this to music, this would be a sweet song! Maybe that should be something that you should try sometimes, maybe getting a piano or guitar and adding some musical works to this.

All in all, good job, just remember: don't try so hard. Poetry is all about feeling and emotion and flow. If you have to rack your brains too much for something to write, then they poem itself may be a little racked up.
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