Chrysanthemum Eyes

Chrysanthemum Eyes,
you were always too much of a poker-player face
for me to ever understand you.
I never knew that one person could have so many layers,
could peel apart themselves
almost like an onion,
but there were never any tears, not with your objectivity.
Was it numbness, a tingling burn in your heart
that led you to your way?
Were you too weather exposed,
too beat down to care anymore?

You never did tell me about yourself-
I never knew you quite as much as I wanted to,
but then, no one ever did, did they?
I wished I’d asked a bit louder,
let you know that I cared,
even though I doubt you would-
it’d be nice to see the reaction though,
whether I got one of those rarely seen smiles,
that seemed to shine
like a light coming through your armored petals-
you probably would have muttered your way on through though,
forgetting my earnestness in your thoughts I always
thought were so interesting,
whenever you actually decided to voice them.

Chrysanthemum Eyes,
you’re glossing over,
getting all cloudy and cataracted.
You're hand is getting a bit colder
as I hold it,
and that smile peeking through your
hardened face is slowly folding in on itself.
I’m sorry that we’re in this mess,
and I never asked loudly enough,
never let you know-
and now I think it’s too late.


Okay, so this is pretty raw, I know. Any thoughts though? I'd like to clean it up a bit.
Thanks!

-Coral-

Hey, Coral!

Okay: This is a lovely poem. I like the ideas and imagery you have here, and the general theme of the poem works really well with the way you've written it. I think you perhaps overdo the use of metaphors a bit; if you cut down and use one or two throughout the poem, there might be a bit more feeling of continuity - but this would work best if you use some of the reality of the characters, too. The reader is seeing so many metaphors that there's no real emotion, just disconnected images.

Maybe you could use less punctuation, too. It's not something I usually say, as I am very probably obsessive-compulsive in terms of spelling and grammar, but the constant use of commas and hyphens kind of breaks up the narrative.

Beyond that, you have an excellent piece of work here.

I hope I helped! Please let me know if there's anything that needs clarification or anything more I can do.
~Grin

wow really loved this poem made me sad to thin kof some events that happend in my life to make me feel more for this poem and it just really says that life is too short to live it bitterly

Howdy! Noticed that you had edited your poem, so I thought I'd go over it some and see if there are any other problems.

First: I want to say that I really liked this poem, but, honestly, it's not a big favorite. But, of course, that may just be because I'm not the hugest fan of poems that don't rhyme. In my mind,if you're not going to write a poem that has at least some rhymes, then why not just write a story? But, that's just me. Poetry is a big creativity outlet. It may also be because I sort of feel a little disconnected from the point of this poem. That's partly from the metaphors used. There were some metaphors that I had to think about while I was reading, trying to figure out how they fit in with the emotion that was trying to be established.

Second: Although I hadn't read your poem before you edited, I still notice that there are places with commas that don't really need the pause. Now, grammatically speaking, the commas are needed, but poetically, they kind of take away some.

All in all, I really wish I could say that I really liked this, but I just didn't. However, I have read your other poetry as well and I did like some of those poems. I think this one is just one of those I just don't like.