Love Burns

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dc1022
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Sat Dec 25, 2010 2:45 am
dc1022 says... · Sat Dec 25, 2010 2:45 am
    He stands there looking in to my eyes I can see the fire in his eyes and feel hin in side me I loved him I wanted him But he used me for one thing and one thing only but now because of him my love turns to hate in my eyes you can only see fire like in his eyes he leaves me on the bed alone and crying like baby with out a mother and daughter without a father but
    I ended this in one thing and one thing only my love for him may never go but he will never have a place in my soul
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    paperbackheart
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    Sat Dec 25, 2010 3:33 am
    paperbackheart says... · Sat Dec 25, 2010 3:33 am
    I like the flow of this. A thing I caught was that "feel hin in side me" should be "feel him inside me". You should either keep it all in caps or all in lowercase, otherwise it is confusing. I do reccommend punctuation, but it's not a big deal if you don't. I do reccommend putting a period at the end of the last line though, just so the reader knows you are finished.

    Also for the line "and one thing only but now because...", it sounds better if you put it as "one thing only and now because". I also reccommend for "see fire like in his eyes" that you clarify that more, because that utterly confuses me.

    I do like the poem. You captured a heart broken person who was used. I wonder how he/she was used (though I have an idea). It really catches someone's attention. I also liked the part where you said "crying like a baby without a mother and daughter without a father" because it is an unusual simile but very useful.

    I also like your repititions. They kept the readers attention.

    Sorry about the long review but I tried to keep it breif. Anyway thanks for the good read!
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    Eniarrol
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    Sat Dec 25, 2010 5:03 am
    Eniarrol says... · Sat Dec 25, 2010 5:03 am
    I think this would be better if you worked on the flow and put it into stanzas.
    Changes are in bold Comments are in bold and fragments from a sentence are in Red Things I like are in Blue
    He stands there looking into my eyes,
    I can see the fire in his eyes and feel him inside me.
    I loved him I wanted him,
    But he used me, for one thing and one thing only,
    but now because of him,
    my love turns to hate in my eyes. I think it would sound better without in my eyes

    You can only see fire andlike in his eyes he leaves me on the bed alone. I think it would be better without like in his eyes and replaced with and
    and Crying like baby without a mother, anddaughter without and a father, but I ended this in one thing and one thing only.
    My love for him may never go,
    but he will never have a place in my soul.

    Overall:
    I think it would be a very nice poem if it flowed better, I hope I didn't change too much of it to your liking but those are just preferences, other people may think another course of action would make it better.
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    cupcake
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    Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:33 am
    cupcake says... · Mon Dec 27, 2010 2:33 am
    SweetMoments wrote:I think this would be better if you worked on the flow and put it into stanzas.
    Changes are in bold Comments are in bold and fragments from a sentence are in Red Things I like are in Blue
    He stands there looking into my eyes,
    I can see the fire in his eyes and feel him inside me.
    I loved him I wanted him,
    But he used me, for one thing and one thing only,
    but now because of him,
    my love turns to hate in my eyes. I think it would sound better without in my eyes

    You can only see fire andlike in his eyes he leaves me on the bed alone. I think it would be better without like in his eyes and replaced with and
    and Crying like baby without a mother, anddaughter without and a father, but I ended this in one thing and one thing only.
    My love for him may never go,
    but he will never have a place in my soul.

    Overall:
    I think it would be a very nice poem if it flowed better, I hope I didn't change too much of it to your liking but those are just preferences, other people may think another course of action would make it better.

    I agree with SweetMoments. It would flow a bit better if it was put into stanzas. Keep writing! :D
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    Wolf
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    Mon Dec 27, 2010 3:15 am
    Wolf says... · Mon Dec 27, 2010 3:15 am
    I don't know if the messy formatting was on purpose or not, but if it wasn't, I agree with the previous two reviewers - it would flow a lot better if it were arranged into stanzas.

    He stands there looking in to my eyes I can see the fire in his eyes


    The repetition in the rest of the poem works, but I think here it doesn't. It just feels redundant and doesn't make for a very smooth introduction.

    but now because of him my love turns to hate


    I think this would sound better without the 'but'.

    OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:
    1. Next time I'd suggest running your work through spell check before submitting. There's more than a couple errors in this, but I'm fairly sure the previous reviewers have already corrected them.
    2. I like that there's a lot of emotion in the poem. You captured a lot of feeling in not a lot of lines. :)
    3. Already mentioned this, but: formatting. I think it would work a lot better if it were arranged into stanzas instead of just a clump of sentences.
    everything i loved
    became everything i lost.

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    Googlyelmo
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    Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:48 pm
    Googlyelmo says... · Mon Dec 27, 2010 5:48 pm
    I found that your poem was very difficult to follow due to the lack of punctuation. I am not sure whether or not this was made for a purpose but it did not provide me with a clear perspective on how you wanted your poem to be read. I enjoyed your word use but like many of the other members I feel it would of helped you greatly if you had spell checked your work before submitting. Keep up the good work.
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